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Original poster

Did anyone else feel like their relationship with their 4 year old was struggling?

10 replies

cheekycee · 23/05/2025 05:57

me and my DD are very alike. She gives me attitude and back chat which is normal but then I go about penalising her wrong. I’ll either not punish her out of guilt, or I’ll let it build up then I snap at her make her sad then apologise and then she will want her dad. She cries for her dad and she’s quite cold with me when I ask for cuddles or a kiss she isn’t interested. I truly feel she couldn’t be less fussed about me and it’s sad. Our relationship is in a tough place at the moment although she’s 4 I’m struggling how to navigate my parenting when it comes to punishment. I don’t like to “punish” my kids hard I very much do gentle parenting unless the odd time I do snap and shout because i am human.
I feel like she doesn’t want to be around me and it is so sad. Her dad says she talks about me when she’s at his but she talks about him when she’s here. I do honestly worry about this because I want to get it sorted and nipped in the bud now. She’s my little girl and I want a close relationship not a cold one. It sounds silly because she’s 4 but I worry about this a lot.

OP posts:
2in2022twoyearson · 23/05/2025 07:26

I empathize with some of the things you've said and have a 6 year old girl. I did feel our relationship went downhill from about 4 but is improving now. It's probably worth reading some parenting books/ finding a course, councils offer them...the thing that stands out is you seem to be wanting her to fulfill your emotional needs... but they could just be not well communicated typing on the internet... This age is more about conversations...and yes, setting boundaries, being gentle but not permissive. I've read a bit of evidence based parenting by Matilda gosling, which is for this age I'd recommend.

Dreichweather · 23/05/2025 07:33

What do you mean by gentle parenting? Lots of people use this phrase to mean different things. For me it means picking my battles, but having consistent boundaries so they feel safe and know where they stand with appropriate discipline. I don’t allow rudeness to go unchecked. For me that means telling DD (aged 5) when her behaviour is rude so she knows it isn’t something I want to see again. I think at her age if I don’t say anything she will believe whatever she has done is acceptable.

User37482 · 23/05/2025 07:43

I don’t punish for backchat, we just talk it out or I tell her she’s being mean or whatever. She’s generally well behaved.

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skkyelark · 23/05/2025 08:56

What do you do together that you both enjoy, that builds your bond? Little moments as well as big ones – being silly together as you go about the daily routine, bedtime stories, trips to the park, crafting, whatever. Focus on that, on being present with her, enjoying her. Make sure she's hearing plenty of praise as well as correction.

Original poster
cheekycee · 23/05/2025 09:00

2in2022twoyearson · 23/05/2025 07:26

I empathize with some of the things you've said and have a 6 year old girl. I did feel our relationship went downhill from about 4 but is improving now. It's probably worth reading some parenting books/ finding a course, councils offer them...the thing that stands out is you seem to be wanting her to fulfill your emotional needs... but they could just be not well communicated typing on the internet... This age is more about conversations...and yes, setting boundaries, being gentle but not permissive. I've read a bit of evidence based parenting by Matilda gosling, which is for this age I'd recommend.

Thank you I’ll look into the books. Thank you for pointing that out that’s really interesting to me can I ask what bit seems like I want her to fulfil my emotional needs? - you could be right and if you are then that’s something that I can work on to improve myself for my kids

OP posts:
Groundhedgehogday · 23/05/2025 09:14

I think you're taking it a bit personally, she's 4 not 14. DS is 5 and will make comments which are just met with a "oi, that's rude" or a "I don't think you'd like it if a friend said that to you". It's not something that needs punishing, just a being consistent that you don't tolerate being spoken to rudely. A consistent approach is always best

She's growing and changing, there's going to be ebbs and flows in your relationship.

Original poster
cheekycee · 23/05/2025 09:15

Groundhedgehogday · 23/05/2025 09:14

I think you're taking it a bit personally, she's 4 not 14. DS is 5 and will make comments which are just met with a "oi, that's rude" or a "I don't think you'd like it if a friend said that to you". It's not something that needs punishing, just a being consistent that you don't tolerate being spoken to rudely. A consistent approach is always best

She's growing and changing, there's going to be ebbs and flows in your relationship.

Yes you’re right totally. I probably am taking it too personal. Being a mum is so hard I just wanna do best but it’s hard to navigate best at times 🥺

OP posts:
Groundhedgehogday · 23/05/2025 09:35

Absolutely, it's hard and relentless and we're constantly battling our feelings as well as theirs.

2in2022twoyearson · 23/05/2025 09:36

The bit where your upset she doesn't want to give you a kiss and cuddle and that your relationship is cold. Perhaps she's not quite as alike to you as you imagine and she's growing up to be more of her own person. Other people have made great suggestions. And my worrying and asking advice, you're doing a great job.

Original poster
cheekycee · 23/05/2025 10:24

2in2022twoyearson · 23/05/2025 09:36

The bit where your upset she doesn't want to give you a kiss and cuddle and that your relationship is cold. Perhaps she's not quite as alike to you as you imagine and she's growing up to be more of her own person. Other people have made great suggestions. And my worrying and asking advice, you're doing a great job.

Yes you could be right… I just assume it’s something that I’m doing wrong why she doesn’t want to kiss or cuddle me. I don’t want to end up her feeling the way I did when I was raised that’s my issue and it’s coming out wrong in my parenting

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