Group of 3 girls friendship problems

[Mummabear04]

DD is 5 years old and coming to the end of her first year of school. She has been joined at the hip with a friend from nursery and they've had a lovely little friendship. Another girl joined their group but was for a period quite nasty to my DD. Saying mean things to her, spitting in her face and even choked her. When this happened I contacted the school and they dealt with it very well and the ill behaviour stopped. Fast forward to a couple of months later and both these little friends have been excluding my DD. She said that they left her by herself during lunch and then are picking on differences like she's not lost a tooth yet or doesn't have the same keyring etc. I feel so bad for my DD and have encouraged her to play with other friends but I'm not sure if her confidence is low or if she goes back to them because her 5 year old brain can't quite navigate the situation. She has been so sad all week and I feel awful for her (not letting her see that though). I've tried saying that it's important to have friends who are nice to you and to play with other friends but I'm not sure how to navigate this? I remember groups of 3 girls from school and it's always a bad mix.

School should be dealing with this.

We had a similar situation, with one girl in the middle and the others trying to be her BFF and not being friends with each other.

School stepped in and supported the girls to play with more girls and broke the 3 some up. My dd is still friends with the middle girl but has also made new friends - so less pressure.

@Nowthereistwo how did you broach it with the school? I'm a bit worried they'll say oh its just kids, girls in 3s etc...

The girls were 8yrs old when it kicked off but had been building since yr1. It happened last September so I can't remember all the details.

It was actually the mum of the middle girl who brought it up with school as unbeknown to us the girl was very stressed trying to manage everything- setting unofficial rota on who to play with each day etc.

The issue was the other girl was jealous of dd's friendship with middle girl and so didn't want them to all be friends.

So when school called us about the issue it was a relief to get it sorted.

The headteacher had been their teacher in reception and yr3 so knew them all well and sat the 3 down and had an open chat with them about friendships and importance of playing with more than one person etc. They then actively supported the girls to play and work with others in lessons and break.

Ironically throughout this dd and the other girl can play nicely together if the middle girl isn't around.

It all settled down and we're not aware of anymore issues.

Good luck with it

Can you arrange some playdates with some of the other kids in the class so she can develop some other friendships, and also talk to the teacher so they can encourage the same. You poor daughter, and you, it must be heartbreaking. I hope it all improves soon. Also if this other girl is being deliberately mean, that sounds like bullying so that's probably worth raising too.

In my experience, this is girls unfortunately

Just tell them that she's sad because she's left out. Don't make a big deal of it but do tell that it's hard for your DD so they have the opportunity to help her out. I would invite other girls over for playdates to help her forge New friendships.

My dd had this situation of a threesome in year 1 and 2. Yea this is girls - threes are tough- but your dd can come out of this well.

Coach her to calmly say “I don’t like it when you are unkind” and walk away from arguments to play elsewhere. Remind her that if she is always happy and doesn’t let it get her down, everyone else will want to be her friend! And she shouldn’t let their mean comments ruin her day.

Also have loads of play dates with new potential friends.

Oh and watch lots of My Little Pony - fabulous for learning about how to recognise a “true friend”. That’s as big a deal as being a good friend.

You must accept that as personality develops, friendships definitely switch up and often that’s painful and exasperating to watch your dd go through that.

Also be extremely aware that kids heavily edit what they tell mum. You will never get “the truth” and your dd will always paint herself in the best light possible! Human nature innit.

Primary school can be rocky - y5 and y6 dramas are very challenging to parent at times!

My dd ended up in a group of 6 inseparably close friends, with another “spare” group she was welcome to tack onto if things got heated on her six.

Now she’s 14 and she has, ironically, two bffs. A perfect trio. But she has about 8 other good friends and another “out of school” bff. She drifted into new friendships age 11- 13 although stays pals with three of her original group. I am proud of how her friendships have evolved - it is not easy to steer a happy path through the bitchy years but she hasn’t batted an eyelid.

Social media actually helps with some of the teen drama as it’s very easy to stay in touch with friends at other schools who you only see maybe once a week or less!

oh you have all this ahead of you still

Good luck op

I know this may sound a bit extreme but could you ask for your DD to move classes? I remember a girl in year 7 moved classes (same year) because of similar type of “petty” bullying. She made new friends and was much happier when she was out of that environment.

Your poor DD hope it resolves and she/ back to her happy self.

I was also going to suggest moving classes, she will meet new people and make new friends. When my DDs reception teacher noticed her and 2 friends were not a good mix, laughing and messing about, she moved their seats around so they sat with other children, they were still friends but made new friends and settled down

She is very young but I always think it’s good to have some hobby outside of school, just helps with friendships generally and gives other options. Also helps with confidence I find. Agree, school should be doing some intervention here.

This seems to be a problem that happens to girls in every generation, so sorry OP

This seems to be a problem with children. They have no social skills.
Leave them alone and let them learn.

Why is it always the suburban, shoe removing, social media driven that attribute negative behaviours that both sexes exhibit to girls. I wonder... it's almost as if they aren't very bright.

These aren't her friends they're her bullies. And her previous little friend is just as bad, this isn't casual teasing- 5 year olds should know about choking.

If you know her nursery friends mum maybe talk to her and get her take. I wouldn't encourage LO to play with a child who was not only mean but had been spitting and choking someone. It's not normal

I'd ask the school to make sure she sits with other kids, maybe try and set play dates with other children and talk to her about saying "No. I dont like that" "No. You hurt me" etc and how friends and people who love you use nice and gentle touch not touch that frightens you. Your daughter needs to be encouraged to make friends with nice people and build her self esteem so she doesn't want to play with people who are nasty to her

Is it? No one spat at me or choked me and i don't know a single girl who's friends did those things

Similar tricky 3 situation here. My daughter is the newcomer to a nursery BFF situation. Gets on well with both girls individually but as a 3 two of them compete for the friendship of the third one and they get upset. I’d like them split up but there’s 2 classes and 3 kids so someone will be left out on their own. I am strongly encouraging other friendships and she does have other friends but unfortunately this one particular (lovely) girl is just her favourite person in the world. It’s caused a lot of problems for us this year and I can’t see it getting any easier.

I meant the 3 girl dynamic with one of the girls muscling in and spoiling the original friendship 😕

Oh I understand and yes that happens often. I was worried for moment then

😀

My DD was in the same position (although she was older at the time). She did eventually accept that the friendship was over and make friends with other girls in the class. But it was surprising (to me) how long it took for that to happen - for ages she kept hoping her original best friend would change her mind.

I think you can help her @Mummabear04 by organising play dates with other children to encourage her to make new friends. Activities outside school can also be really good to widen her friendships and show her that her old best friend isn't the only option.

On a positive note, this was a good learning experience for my DD and I think it has helped her understand more about how friendships work.

Thanks for all your responses. Since DD became attached to her BF I have been making a real effort to have playdates with other kids. Her BF goes to after school club and lots of different activities so is always mixing with other kids and I have been worried that my DD isn't getting the same exposure to different friendships. She is in a gymnastics class which she really likes and I did sign her up for dancing but she has been so exhausted from school we had to cut it down to just the gymnastics. Anyway despite having lots of playdates, whenever DD sees her BF she just is blinded by the friendship and forgets everyone else. I'm not sure what else to do. When the other little girl was being violent towards her we sat her down and made it very clear that what she did was wrong and that it wasn't a good idea to play with her but as soon as the school sorted it out and the girl started being nice again well then DD forgot all about it and because her BF continued to play with her, she did too.

Re moving classes - her school is very open plan and both classes are free to mix and play together most of the time. She does have other friends and friends in both classes but it's just this being blinded by her BF. Or maybe its just a confidence thing? I keep encouraging her to pursue other friendships as well as her BF but she just doesn't seem to be able to do it.

I get on well with both girl's parents but I don't feel like I want to bring it up with them. I'd rather just let the school deal with it as tbh none of us mums can control what happens during school hours. If it was outside of that I'm sure that they would attend to anything that happened.

I spoke to DD teacher yesterday and asked her to help DD to play with other kids and when DD came home she named someone she had a playdate with a few days ago so that's good. Her teacher said she had noticed a change in the friendship dynamic and would keep an eye on it. I think the issue is that DD forgets to tell her teacher if something is bothering her. Like she'll come home and tell me and then I'll get her to tell her the next day or if it's something serious like the choking then I'll speak to her. It's so stressful, I just want my DD to be happy and I have no idea how to navigate this well. I just want to do it for her but I just can't!

Perhaps I’m a bit sensitive to this but ‘muscling in’ seems a bit unfair. My daughter went to nursery where I worked but school where we live so was the only one from her nursery to go to that school. Is that her doomed then, she isn’t allowed to have any friends for the whole time she’s at school? Or limited to only being friends with the 3 other kids who were onlies from their nursery? Or do we accept that friendships change as children meet new people and grow up, and it’s ok for people who were best friends at nursery to have new best friends a couple of years later?

Obviously, choking, spitting etc absolutely unacceptable. But the fact a new child has made friends with a pair of girls who were already friends is entirely normal and shouldn’t be viewed as ‘muscling in’ 🙄

The muscling in isn’t pleasant though if the new friend is horrible to one of the other girls, that’s what I meant, that divide and conquer approach

It’s my experience myself having been on the peripheral and another girl being ok with me when her other friend wasn’t around in primary school then seeing own dds experiencing the same

also working in education

you do get Queen bee type girls

Oh yes you absolutely do. I also work in education so have seen it for myself.

As I say, I suspect I’m a bit sensitive to it as my daughter is the one who joined a pair of friends to make a 3 and I suspect the other two parents (who are friends) would prefer she wasn’t on the scene at all. I know we all see the best in our own kids but I really really don’t think she is a queen bee type at all. She’s not perfect but there has definitely been some unkind behaviour in both directions (though thankfully no physical bullying). Quite honestly I wish she’d ditch these two and make some new friends but you can’t control who your kids are friends with! I have done endless play dates with another girl (I’m friends with the mum), sent them to holiday camp together etc…but she still just adores her best friend who is in the 3!

Yes I see what you are saying

it’s when one of the others more dominant girls plays the less confident ones off against each other itms