Preschool behavior problems

[Binka91]

My daughter just turned 5 this past April, her preschool teacher called me at work to tell me that they believed I needed to get my daughter tested for ADHD. She had a tantrum that day because someone answered a rhyming word before she did. They said it scares the other kids and that a similar scenario happens a couple times a week. They also have trouble with getting her to follow directions, like sit down, stay still and quiet at nap time and to move to another task, she exhibits defiant behavior. My daughter rarely has tantrums at home and we use a visual timer at home. Example, at home we tell her in 5 mins we are going to turn off the TV and you'll get up to brush your teeth before bed. When I explained that's how we are able to get her to do things at home without it becoming a screaming match, I was told they don't have time, they need things done on time. We are consistent with punishments, taking away privileges or leaving whatever fun activity we are doing. We do what we say. I don't know what more I can do at home, there isn't anything I can do about how she behaved at school because I'm not there. Any advice?

I would consider their advice and look into what they are saying. These are people who work with children her age every single day and they don’t tend to suggest these things without cause.

Where are you based? If in the UK, I'd not be too impressed with the preschool because (1) providing warning of transitions is a pretty common technique with small children and (2) it's uncommon to actually get ADHD diagnosed at 5 in the UK because it's difficult to reliably separate it out from small child behaviour that will be outgrown. Other places may of course have different expectations.

The flip side of that is that yes, they see lots of small children of that age, and they are telling you that your child does not seem to fall in the typical range. An experienced nursery worker can have an excellent sense of these things. I'd definitely keep it in mind because if she does need a bit of extra support, better to know earlier.

Do you see her around other children much, to get a sense of if she's more volatile or needs more managing than typical? Does she do any clubs, swimming, dance, football, etc. who might have another view on how she manages in a group setting with adult-led activity?

Her certified teacher quit in the 1st month of school due to a better job opportunity. They hadn't been able to find a replacement so her teachers are now a volunteer mom and a women in her 2nd year of school to become a teacher. We took her to her pediatrician, they recommended some parenting books and I answered a questionnaire that she was too young for.

Sounds like they’re in over their heads

If you are in UK, how is a 5 year old still in pre-school? She should be in Reception year. Is she older than all the other children?

Do you just mean ‘if you are in England’? 5yos are often still in preschool/nursery in Scotland.

Sorry yes you are absolutely right. I had forgotten about different arrangements in Scotland.

We live in the US, you must be 5 by Nov. Of that school year to begin Kindergarten, she turned 5 a month ago and she's one of the youngest in her class. We've put her in T-ball, she didn't like it. Her and another girl just wanted to hold hands and pick flowers together instead of participating.

My advice would be to ask for next steps. They aren't asking you to fix your child or saying you're not teaching your child to behave properly, they are saying she might have a condition that makes it hard for her to do what's expected.
A diagnosis opens up a lot of support that your child will get it they have a diagnosis, also it gives a lot of concrete advice about specific areas of struggle.
I agree that normally 5 is a bit young, but waiting lists are so long that it's worth getting on them as early as you can.
Good luck.

Okay, so part of this could well be teacher inexperience – I'm sure they're doing their best, but it's a volunteer and a trainee, so it's quite different from an experienced practitioner who's seen hundreds of preschoolers saying, 'hmm, there might be something here'.

Could you suggest a discussion with you, her teacher(s), and a manager/head teacher/more experienced teacher from another class to see if they have any ideas? I'd ask about warning/support around transitions again if you have a meeting like that, see if you can get the more experienced/senior person to support it. Here it's a really standard thing to do – in many cases, the staff would be doing the basics of this just as good practice.

Did she want to try T-ball, but then didn't like the reality on the day, or was it something adults picked for her? What does she like doing at home? Maybe dancing or swimming or music would be more her thing?

Hi op,

run for the hill from this preschool?

they can’t just call you in and give you a diagnosis to go and check 👎🏼
if they have that idea about her and you don’t think it is true…I would take her away so she isn’t hurt in the process of them being judgmental.

A couple of times a week?

my son behaves like this multiple times a day, has 1:1 support and still doesn’t have a diagnosis.

Any referrals need two viewpoints and if she is ok at home then they won’t touch it with a barge pole!

Why is child not in school???? She’s 5 now? So legally has to be in school, not preschool.

I don't want to send you down a rabbit hole, but girls of that age are well known for masking behavioural issues vs boys. It could be a teacher issue, but by age 5 it very well might be something else. My DD is age 5 and in a US school attending TK (age 4-5 children, similar to UK reception). None of the girls in her classroom are exhibiting this behaviour to the extent that others are intimidated. The boys in her class are much more likely to, and the one who definitely does has a 1:1 carer in the classroom. We have a fiercely independent, feisty DD who loses it at home if she draws a letter right 5 times and wrong the 6th. Her teacher has seen this in the classroom but to a much lesser extent than what she shows at home. The teacher recommended the colour spot book series, it's a more expensive, and much more detailed version of the colour monster book about emotions. You might want to look into that.

Editing to add that I just saw you're in preschool rather than real school. Wait till real school (guessing later this summer), pass on the comment to the teacher. They'll monitor and provide suggestions and an assessment for ADHD through the school district if they think it could be a real thing.

𝕋𝕖𝕒𝕔𝕙𝕖𝕣𝕤 𝕟𝕖𝕖𝕕 𝕥𝕠 𝕕𝕠 𝕥𝕙𝕖𝕚𝕣 𝕛𝕠𝕓𝕤....𝕟 𝕤𝕥𝕠𝕡 𝕓𝕖𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕝𝕒𝕫𝕪...𝕖𝕧𝕖𝕣𝕪 𝕔𝕙𝕚𝕝𝕕 𝕚𝕤 𝕕𝕚𝕗𝕗𝕖𝕣𝕖𝕟𝕥 𝕟 𝕕𝕖𝕤𝕖𝕣𝕧𝕖𝕤 𝕥𝕠 𝕓𝕖 𝕣𝕖𝕡𝕖𝕒𝕥𝕖𝕕 𝕚𝕟 𝕥𝕙𝕖𝕚𝕣 𝕠𝕨𝕟 𝕣𝕚𝕘𝕙𝕥....𝕨𝕖 𝕒𝕝𝕝 𝕕𝕠𝕟𝕥 𝕝𝕖𝕒𝕣𝕟 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕤𝕒𝕞𝕖 𝕨𝕒𝕪.....

Completely my honest opinion, as a very long time teacher and parent of ND DC...

When schools pick up on things they are usually right, because typical ND behaviour isn't displayed.

This is a good thing as your DC is struggling and needs support, like mine did. We knew, the school knew, so we sought help and now DC is thriving in a specialist school.
Absolutely no shame in this, but it really does become clear within even a few months at primary.

Yes of course it could just be settling in issues, but do be more open to what is best. Xxx

The OP is in the US. Many countries start school after 5 - my country does as well.

Why do children have to be diagnosed & labeled with something or other these days ??
Isn't it possible that's she's just being naughty?

If you have a diagnosis, you can work out how to make her life easier 🤷🏽‍♀️

If you don’t know what’s causing the issues, you’ll presumably be trying ineffective solutions.

This. Definitely look into it. Often girls don’t act out at home when they’re younger. Girls quickly learn to mask and then when they get to Y8/9 or so they cannot cope any longer. Please listen to the advice of those who know what they’re talking about.