Is my son not ready for potty training?

[GreenLemonade]

DS is 2 years 8 months old and I would like to start potty training this bank holiday weekend.

Over the last few days we’ve been reading stories and talking about potty training. Whenever I tell him he’ll be doing wee wees on a potty soon or ask him if he wants to use a potty, he says no because "he’s still little and needs to grow bigger". I’m not sure where he heard this idea from, possibly nursery. He seems anxious about potty training.

He doesn’t like walking around bare bottom. If I suggest some nappy free time, for example before a bath, he gets upset and attempts to put on a nappy (we use pull ups).

He’s showing some signs of potty readiness: he tells me if he wants to do a poo and hides to do it, sometimes he asks to have his nappy changed. If we go together to the loo he sits on the potty and pretends to wee. However, he’s still not able to pull down his pants.

Does he sound ready? I’m worried he’s not ready and it will be a disaster. I don't want to put him off if he's already anxious about the process but we have to start sooner or later.

We tried the previous bank holiday and it was a disaster. DS was fine nappy free but positively sobbed at wearing underpants and screamed for his nappy and got one out of the drawer himself. Emotionally I don’t think he’s ready and he’s 3 in July. I’m going to try again once we’ve been on holiday in the summer. He knows when he needs a wee and can wee on a toddler toilet I just don’t think he wants to yet. I’m going to try and time it with when his best friend at nursery gets toilet trained (they’re only 3 weeks apart in age). I was a bit concerned I was being lazy by leaving him in nappies but now I’m just going to leave it until he’s definitely ready.

Readiness is a MYTH!

It was made up and encouraged by the nappy companies because children in nappies longer obviously benefits them enormously.

You need to choose a time when you have the capacity to do it and just do it - many many children never show signs of readiness and the NHS has recently changed it's advice on potty training.

Choose a time that works for you to be able to watch him like a hawk and just do it, the key is consistency.

Check out ERIC the infant incontinence charity for evidence based potty training advice.

I'm not sure I believe in readiness either. He sounds like a good candidate if he's articulate and knows when he's going to do a poo. I think you should avoid asking him if he wants to try using the potty - you don't want to present it as optional, because then he can always choose the safe, familiar option (nappies), and one day it won't be optional any more and that can be harder to process if it's always been up to him previously.

You say he can't pull down his pants - you don't have to put him in pants straight away, but can he pull a pair of loose joggers up and down? From everything in your OP, this sounds like the main stumbling block to me.

Another one who doesn't entirely believe the 'readiness' aspect as sold by nappy manufacturers.

Bare bottom is popular, but not required – if he doesn't like it, it's perfectly possible to potty train in loose shorts/joggers or even go straight to pants. Similarly pulling their own pants up/down – nice if they can do it, and definitely something to work towards, but you're going to need to help them wipe, empty the potty, make sure they wash hands, etc. It doesn't really add much if you also have to help a bit with their clothes.

The one thing I would look at is the 'I need to get bigger' and seeming a bit anxious about it. I'd probably still give it a try this weekend with lots of gentle positivity about it, but if he is getting too upset, it's probably best to give it a break.

You just have to go for it and not look back. The greatest myth is that it “will be done in 3 days”. You can crack it in under a week but there will be ups and downs for a few months. Just go for it. Dont read too much about it. Take the nappies away and see how he does. Both of mine didnt like being bare so we went straight to pants. My second recently did it over the easter bank holiday- bank holidays are a good idea! Good luck 🤞🏻

If he can’t pull his pants up and down the he isn’t ready.

Sounds ready to me! DS 2y4m was similar with “I’m too little” chat but he was done and dusted and a potty convert within 48 hours. Can’t get him away from it now!

He still likes to say he’s little and really, he just needs a cuddle. We just dropped any “big boy” language around potty training and put the focus on the exciting thing his willy could do. We had battles with getting his nappy off after naptime but he wasn’t actually wanting to wee in it, he was just post-nap grouchy.

Just try it and see what happens.

I’d also say trousers are easier to pull down when wearing pants than when wearing a nappy. This was my one uncertainty with DS but once we took off the pull-up nappy he had no problems. Buy some stretchy joggers in a size up if it’s an issue, to help him practice.

I also agree with PP. you don’t ask a child if they want to be potty trained, you take the lead. I did my DC1 at 2 yo and I just cracked on. I didn’t tell him or talk to him about it day in advance or go and buy pants together. I just said one morning this is our potty and it was the first he had seen it. Then I took his nappy off and encouraged him to sit and have a go. Lots of praise when it happens and no fuss for any accidents.

I'm a other one not on board with readiness. We decided when we were done with nappies; one daughter took to it easier than the other but we got there with perseverance with both. It sounds like you need to do some work on the big boy message to counter this idea he's too little. I doubt it's from nursery as they are usually very keen on them potty training. Maybe talk about other more fun big boy activities that he'll enjoy now he's getting bigger.

No harm trying it but be prepared after a few days to throw in the towel and try again a few months later. There is no point forcing it if they’re not ready. If they are ready it should be relatively straight forwards and obvious that he’s grasped it. Good luck!

My son did the hiding to do a poo thing and potty trained very quickly. He wasn’t able to talk or pull his trousers down but would tug at his waist band.

We hung around at home without any bottoms on and I gave him privacy while he used the potty which worked well. When he was done he’d shout so I could wipe him and wash hands. Wees took a little longer because they have to learn that they can hold their wee for a bit but poos were cracked quickly.

I think readiness is really important, I tried several times with DS and it was a complete disaster, until he was willing it just wasn't going to work. He was finally trained just before three and that time it was quick and easy because he was up for it, I wish I hadn't put myself through the stress of all the other tries.

That's quite a general statement. My son was potty trained at just before 2 - he hated nappies, would tell us when he needed a poo/go and hide and we noticed he'd always look down when he did a wee (he'd immediately pull at his nappy after) So we went for it. People thought we were mad but it was fine. He needed support with pulling his trousers up and down for a good while but it was absolutely no reason to hold off.

Going against the grain, I think readiness is a thing and is important.
I trained both my DDs when they agreed they wanted to do it and really did only take a few days.
They could both take their pants down independently. My youngest only ever used a potty a couple of times and preferred to go straight on the toilet.
I don’t really see the point of putting yourself or your child through months of stress to achieve the same result in the end as if they had stayed in nappies a bit longer.
There’s obviously a limit to how long you wait but I think below 3.5 it’s not worth stressing about

He’s not ready.
Ready is when they try to take their nappy off, tell you in advance when they need a wee or a poo, and can pull their pants down.
Boys typically take longer than girls, try it too early and it will cause significant anxiety.
And I say this as a childminder that’s helped to train many, many toddlers.

Thank you all for your thoughts. I think we'll give it a go this weekend anyway but if there's no progress in a few days we'll go back to pull ups and try again in a month or so.

Physical readiness is linked to upright walking. Other signs to look for are can he communicate a need e.g. asking for a drink because he’s thirsty and can he follow 2 step instructions e.g. tidy your cars away then get your shoes. If he can manage those he should be capable of learning. Being unsure of something new is normal and has nothing to do with ‘readiness’. I wouldn’t worry about him being able to do clothes, you’ll be helping a lot in the early days so can just do it for him, although I’d be surprised if at his age he genuinely couldn’t manage baggy joggers and pants (size up). You can also train in pants if he prefers, no need to do bare bum method if he’s resistant. I actually found mine learned better through the uncomfortableness of wet pants and the inconvenience of getting changed. Good luck!

Some kids will never want to make the change to use the potty / toilet - I was fully into the “wait until they’re ready and follow their lead” camp, except my son hates changes and was so incredibly upset about anything to do with the potty, and there was no way he’d have done it voluntarily.

We ended up insisting when he was just over 3.5 and he got it in 2 days. Still didn’t like it, but he could do it, and we did a more gentle transition to using toilets out and about. We were getting worried about leaving it any later as he’s a summer born so went to school at just over 4. If it had been up to him I think he’d still be in nappies now (he’ll be 5 in a couple of months)

Give it a go, and if it doesn’t work out this time, you can have another try in a couple of months - it really isn’t all or nothing the books like to make out.

Stop using pull-ups and put him in loose shorts or joggers ( that he will be able to pull up and down easily and he will know when he is wet )
Persist ,he will get it after a week or less
And , bribery “ do a wee wee on the loo / potty and I’ll give you a chocolate button “ works like a dream

Readiness is from 18 months. We did it a bit after this with my son using the Oh Crap method. First two days were awful, on the third day it clicked. Agreeing with others that the ‘signs of readiness’ are a bit of a myth

Yup buy him some funky superhero pants and a cool potty training reward chart / jar from Amazon. Get the antibac ready and stick with it for a few weeks

Also don’t expect him to pull down his pants himself - help him with it when he needs to go, but just get rid of the nappy pants when he’s awake

I disagree. Toddlers will need some physical support, including pulling down pants/trousers and wiping. With this support some 20 month olds can be trained, for example. If he knows when he is doing a poo then he can be trained to use a potty!

I have 2 boys and they never showed any signs of readiness. Ds1 in particular didn’t want to take time away from what he was doing to go to the toilet 😂 I told them no more nappies apart from bedtime and we stayed in the first few days. Did bare bottoms as much as possible. Any accidents they were told poo and wee goes in the potty and they had to help put their clothes in washing machine.

The first time we tried it with ds1 he was about 2y 8m and we went back to nappies after a week because he just wasn’t getting it and it was stressing everyone out. Tried a few months later when he was 3y 3m and he cracked it very easily. I’m sure someone will be along to tell me it was far too late by then but ds2 was born just after he turned 3 and I wasn’t up for potty training a toddler when I had a newborn.

Ds2 was 3y 2m and I took the May half term week off work and did it then. He got it very quickly.

So my advice would be try it, and go back to nappies after a week if you really feel he’s not getting it. He might still be having accidents but you’ll know after that if he’s got a good handle on it. And don’t beat yourself up if it doesn’t work the first time. But do give it a few days before giving up and be matter of fact about how nappies are for babies etc and he’s growing up into a big boy.