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Really struggling with 3.5 year old DS

2 replies

HeresANewNameForToday · 21/05/2025 19:41

I have no idea what to do with my 3.5 year old DS.

He's always been a pretty easy kid... stubborn and strong-willed but we've never really had tantrums or anger, and he could be talked down pretty easily.

In December, nursery reported that he was getting pretty bored but they didn't have room for him in preschool yet. He was due to move in March. He had two weeks off to come to a work thing with me in late January, and has essentially never gone back. The agreement is that he'll go back when he moves to the preschool room, but that's been delayed until September, so he's with me all week.

DD arrived 7 weeks ago. He's been very excited for her, and seems infatuated with her. He seemed to cope fine initially, except not really enjoying me having to stay in hospital for the night, and then being very insistent that everyone did everything together "as a family" for a week or so when we got out.

But the last two weeks have been BRUTAL. He melts down over anything. He keeps shouting "Go away!" and "You're not my favourite!" at us. He screams at the top of his lungs. He has completely regressed in potty training; and is now mostly just pooing and seeing in his pants, and then screaming that we're hurting him when he change him. He gets extremely angry when he needs to poo, and runs away. It is an absolute fight to change him. He used to go to five or six classes a week, but he doesn't want to do those either. He constantly asks for his nursery friends, that he still sees once a week, but is adamant he doesn't want to go back to nursery - and he never particularly enjoyed it.

On the bright side, he has started sleeping through, but that means he's up super early and isn't really managing the day without a nap. He's been asleep since 7 tonight.

DH looks after him now that he's not at nursery, and they just seem to constantly argue if I'm here. DH maintains they are fine if it's just them, but as soon as we're all together, he goes back to being impossible. He's still lovely to baby DD - wants to do cuddles, helps to change her, is always talking to her... And me and him still do at least one playgroup a week just the two of us, plus every bedtime, and I've been trying to do a few 10 minute slots in the day that are just the two of us, too...

I'm at a loss. I hate all the shouting; I've got a permanent headache, I'm worried he's falling behind not going to nursery. I don't know how to deal with the aggression and screaming... I'm absolutely overwhelmed and feel quite close to breaking point.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
JollyGreenSnake · 21/05/2025 21:21

Arrival of DD is a huge change in his world... He needs extra love and reassurance to adapt to this change. He seems so big and grown up compared to a 7 week old, but he literally has emotions running through his brain that he doesn't know how to process.
What kind of routine/consistency does he get, being away from preschool and with arrival of baby? When I had DC2, I used bring both kids to the couch and read/snuggle with DC1 while feeding DC2.

NuffSaidSam · 21/05/2025 22:38

He's dealing with a MASSIVE life change, to an extent you just need to ride through it.

I would look for another nursery or a childminder place so that he can get into a consistent routine and be around kids his own age. It'll also give you some downtime/time with the baby.

Take a gentle approach to the screaming etc (I know it isn't easy) and try and help him to name his feelings. Don't give in to screaming/shouting, but be sympathetic to the big emotion that is behind it. Peppa Pig has just become a big sister again, maybe use this as a stepping off point to talk about how difficult a new sibling can be.

Fresh air and exercise will always help, so make sure DH is getting him out and exercising every day.

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