Mum guilt for formula feeding vs breastfeeding

[ProssecoParent]

I know this might sound stupid to some but I can’t help feeling like I’ve somehow failed my first child. I tried to breastfeed her and unfortunately I had to go on medication that didn’t allow me to continue and my supply dropped from there so I formula fed. My second born I was determined to breastfeed and I did for about a year and a half. My first born was in nicu for a week and I wasn’t able to hold her for the first few days so it meant I barely bonded with her whereas with my second we instantly bonded. My problem now is that I feel like I’m closer with my second than my first born and that’s because my second is more clingy more cuddly always looks for me and wants me all the time whereas my first baby doesn’t. She doesn’t seek me out or cuddle me without me asking her too and at night when she wakes up she calls out for her dad. She’s always asking for her dad and cries when he leaves however doesn’t seem to care if I’m there or not. I feel like if I had breastfed her we’d have a better bond and I’m feeling really guilty about it all the time. I keep trying to tell myself that she just has a different personality from her younger sister and she’s just a daddy’s girl but I can’t help this feeling at the back of my mind that it’s also my fault

I think you need to let yourself off this particular hook. It's your perception making a correlation between your less physically clingy first child and your different second. I only have one child, and wasn't able to BF (no supply ever developed, despite every possible source of advice and some tests), but he's incredibly cuddly and physical still at 13, and was a Velcro baby who was never off me. You just have two different children, who have different needs. Nothing to do with how you fed them.

I have a good friend who had twins and BF them both. One of them gravitated towards his father from very early on, the other his mother.

Please don't be hard on yourself. There are many factors here that are outside of your control, e.g. admission to NICU and starting medication. Babies are very different and there's nothing to say that breastfeeding would have made your first child more clingy to you or not. My first I couldn't breastfeed as she wouldn't latch and I had no support so pumped initially then switched to formula at one month old as my husband left at 3 weeks to work away and I couldn't manage all the work. She is 7 now and the biggest mummy's girl. My 2 year old I breastfed until 16 months and she is like your first, she is very much a daddy's girl and not bothered if I'm there or not. It's just different personalities and nothing that you have/haven't done or that is your fault.

There is absolutely no correlation between BF and how "close" you are to your DC but I think deep down you know that.
DS was glued to me from day one and still loves cuddles despite being a 6tft teen and he was never BF

If it helps, my two are 3 & 1 and are exactly like that and I breastfed both of them. It could be their age, their personality, a phase, a million different things. You can't pinpoint it down to something that is solely your 'fault'. And clingy isn't necessarily a good thing! It drives me nuts...

I really don't think that you not breastfeeding her has caused this. I breastfed my first for 3.5 years and she's always been a very independent child who doesn't like a lot of affection. I think a lot of personality is set before birth; my two are so very different and they have been treated much the same.

You are being unreasonable and ridiculous. You have 2 happy, healthy children. Give thanks for that and stop this nonsense. No idea why you favour a clingy child.

Your supply diminished and you chose to feed your child formula. I really don’t see that you had another option. It’s energy wasted worrying about something you really couldn’t have controlled. Not everyone can breast feed for reasons that may be beyond their control. No point fretting about it after !

These feelings are really valid. Have you read about breastfeeding grief and trauma? As @MarioLinkjas shown these feelings can be not well understood by those around us, and society not be very compassionate to our very valid feelings and experiences. There is a really good book by Lucy Ruddle called something like “breastfeeding grief” or a Clinical Psychologist who specialises in helping people with all of these complex feelings “breastfeeding psychology” on instagram or I think she has a website too Kelsey O’Reilly

@Funnyduck60honestly that was a really unnecessary comment. I do not favour a clingy child and I am grateful to have healthy happy children as I’m sure most parents are but that wasn’t my issue. The way I feel most certainly isn’t unreasonable nor ridiculous but obviously may feel that way to you. I was seeking advice not criticism.

Thank you to everyone for their advice I highly appreciate it. I think I may be being too hard on myself as my husband always tell me but as a parent I find guilt is something I struggle with a lot. I find my childhood has a large impact on that as I don’t have the best relationship with my mother or any sort of relationship so having one daughter always wants mummy and another daughter who doesn’t has made me worry that I’ve done something wrong.

You're not doing anything wrong. You're responding to the different needs of two different children. And you know how it is -- it's perfectly possible that in three months time, the daddy's girl will have switched over to you and be permanently attached to you!

I formula fed my LG from day 1 and she is so incredibly clingy to me. It's just their different personalities, I'm sure there will be times when she wants you over her daddy. I know people always talk about the bond when breastfeeding but my LG couldn't be any closer to me.

It was outside your control and you didn’t really make a decision on it, you only had one option for first born and that was formula. And that’s fine.

First borns are often pretty independent, and she’s older. Perhaps just not a clingy child (and that’s great!, actually). You shouldn’t feel guilty or put anything down to the feeding. They’re just different people.

There’s always something to feel guilty about. Just don’t let it consume you.

For a bit of balance OP - my mum extended breastfed and co slept with both me and my older sibling.

My older sibling is not cuddly whatsoever and does not particularly get on with my mum - they much prefer my dad.

I'm super cuddly and much closer with mum.

The breastfeeding part made no difference whatsoever.

Hey OP.
I couldn't breastfeed due to birth trauma and my son is super cuddly.

I think you're carrying so much guilt and judgement on yourself which could be down to personality, preference, or even you parent different between children because you are different, they are different and you know more.

I think looking at attachment and healthy attachment rather than behavior is better. Is your daughter safe with you and not need you as much? Is it a development phase? A temperament thing?

I think forgiving yourself for a hard birth, and the mum guilt around breastfeeding. And just love her and bond with her as she is in her terms and not compare to the other one is the way forward here.

You're a great mum and we all guilt ourselves and give ourselves a hard time. But it's so obvious you care 💜

Also as a girl and a first born I'm fiercely independent and not cuddly with mum.
Some of its nature and nurture so don't give yourself a hard time x

@ProssecoParent I'm in the same boat. FF first due to many reasons ans just stopped BF my 2nd at 18 months. First born dosent bother with me and 2nd one is clingy as hell.

I've also just qualified as a lactation specialist and I've learnt a tonne of information. Baby number 2 if likely more clingy because when ever they are sad, happy, bored, hungry etc they come to your boobs which are attached to you. At a young age its all they know.

Some days I crave for a bit of space and like that my eldest is the same but equally sometimes I crave lots of hugs and kisses which I get from my youngest.

Don't be so hard on yourself. I felt like a complete failure when I couldn't BF my eldest and sunk In to PND.

All babies are unique I their own ways. Just cherish what you have mama

Breastfeeding doesn’t in itself create a healthy attachment. Meeting a child’s needs predictably and sensitively so that they come to trust you and feel secure does, along with providing warm and loving care. It sounds like your two children just have different personalities. In fact, if anything, your older child feels secure enough to NOT need to cling to you to get her needs met. That’s not to say your younger one doesn’t; they are maybe just at a different stage.
I can empathise a lot with you because I went through similar with my LG, traumatic birth, premature, unable to breast feed and difficulty bonding in the first few weeks. It can leave you feeling like you’ve done something wrong but I promise you haven’t and the fact you care so much already tells me that your daughter has had exactly what she has needed from you despite those early difficulties. So give yourself a break.

They’ve had you’re colostrum, they are fed; you’re grand.