DC so bloody forgetful!

[TwitchyNibbles]

DC1 is 12, coming to the end of Year 7. Generally doing really well academically and socially. But, my God, they are so forgetful and I'm not sure whether my constant reminders are reasonable or actually not helping them learn to take responsibility for themselves.

Every day they need to be prompted to see if they have any homework - they have literally 3 subjects a day (3 double lessons) and often cannot even remember when asked if they have any homework for that subject and what it is. The school got rid of homework planners in favour of Google classroom so I guess it's a much more passive way of receiving homework than actually physically writing it down. But they never even think to check when they get in without being prompted. Case in point today, just got a notification that they didn't have their Spanish homework today, despite me specifically asking last night if any of the subjects today had homework that needed doing! They said no and went off and did something that's due later this week instead.

Every day I have to ask if their bag is packed/laptop charged for the next day. If I didn't do this, I'm positive it wouldn't get done.

Forgetting to hand in forms, look for lost kit at school. Even when reminded daily. They went away on trip last weekend and left a waterproof jacket and pair of trousers behind.

Apart from the PITA it is for me to remember all this for them, how normal is this for kids of this age, adjusting to secondary school? Should I keep reminding them about all these things or just let them learn that there are consequences to not taking responsibility to remember stuff. Also, I'm not sure if there might be an element of mild ND which might mean that they genuinely can't plan/remember well and I don't want to punish them if it's actually their processing that's the problem. However, I still feel they will need to find strategies to cope with this as they get older.

Or am I just expecting too much??

are they twins?

No, sorry. Just don't want to reveal gender in case outing with other things I have posted

Gosh what a helpful reply @Symposium 🙄

@TwitchyNibbles is there a chance your DC has additional needs? I only ask because this is one of the executive functioning issues that myself and my daughter face. The way that you approach it will be different depending on whether it's just regular forgetfulness/not taking responsibility for things, or whether it's (for example) a trait of ADHD in which case the brain functions differently and will not respond to the same methods you might try with an NT child.

I honestly would stop reminding him. Let him get into trouble at school, then when he gets into trouble at school he can have a second dose of punishment at home. I stopped all that micro management as soon as my son went to big school. I didn’t do it for my daughter as didn’t need too, so don’t do it for him. Make sure you sit him
down and calmly explain your new approach. Anything he loses he pays to replace himself. He won’t be long catching on!

Thanks both, this is exactly the quandary I'm in. I have a suspicion there might be an element of ADHD but no concerns were ever raised at primary school about ND or so far at the new school. I have been tempted to contact the SEND team at secondary school -DC is thriving there, but I wonder how much is because I'm constantly back-stopping them. My first instinct was to just let them suffer the consequences of their lack of organisation but something just makes me wonder if it's really a planning issue. And also wanting to give them a chance to get used to the new demands of secondary school but at some point they have to learn to find ways to take responsibility themselves!

For Y7, I started doing all this, and ramped down (quite fast, but it depends how long it takes your DC to get it). Critical thing is you don’t lift a finger, they do all the doing/writing, as it helps them to create good habits. You just encourage/remind.

• Take them to buy a big A3 planner, with a tear-off sheet per week
• Get them to write checklist of things they need daily (eg pencil case, lanyard, keys). Put on postit on inside of front door.
• Sunday night - go through family diary day by day. Get DC to add things relevant to them to their big A3 sheet. Sit next to DC while they go through their school timetable, including clubs, and add all those things to their big A3 planner on the right days. Eg Monday, PE kit, football boots, cooking ingredients
• Blutack A3 sheet to the back of the front door.
• Each night, remind them to look at daily checklist and put all those things in their bag. And to look at A3 page and put all those things either in or attached to their school bag. (I do mean physically attached, tie them on if need be, and untie only once out of the house).
• Each morning, remind them to do a cross-check with the A3 and postit, just before they leave the house.

They can add homework to the A3 sheet, if they want. I just let them face the consequences with school, but if they feel ownership of the A3 sheet and want to use it that way, then no reason not to.

At 12 they should be more independent and organize themselves. I won’t be doing it from secondary school onwards and will be taking more of a step back towards the end of primary school. They need to feel the implications of not doing their homework, not bringing their PE kit etc. Plus paying for the stuff they lose

I would generally agree, except my 9yo is already better at this than DC1 which makes me wonder if there might be confounding factors like ADHD or similar.

Ds2 was like this when he went to secondary school, he has ADHD. Medication has been life changing for him.

My ds has ADHD and he got through secondary by facing the consequences of forgetting things, having an insane number of phone alarms in the morning and leaving important stuff in places like outside his bedroom door so he’d trip over them. He had 10+ alarms set to ensure that he left the house on time. I made him set an alarm for things like put PE kit in wash basket on days he had PE and pack Food tech ingredients the night before.

He started off with focusing on the stuff that would cause him the biggest inconvenience. What I mean is if you forget PE kit, school tells you to borrow some from lost property. The kit in lost property is dirty and smells so a good incentive to remember.

By year 9 he could get out of the door without prompting (and run back for something he forgot) He set his alarms like pack Food Tech stuff the night before and he knew to photograph things like Food Tech ingredient lists and send it to me because it’s easy to lose paper and sending it to me means he won’t be moaned at for short notice. (The lists are sent per half term with dates )

He’s 18 now and has his techniques for remembering. Sometimes it’s texting me (because there’s a gap between being told and seeing me and this way he won’t forget) but he also sets phone reminders like at secondary

Rules and routines are boring and not natural for him (laid back personality) but he now understands that they make things easier and he’s usually prepared so doesn’t have the embarrassment of forgetting.

Is there anything else which make you ND?

I would focus on helping them set up systems to help them stay organised. My DD’s OT recommended the Finch app for when she is older.

I'd definitely explore the possibility of ADHD if you suspect that might be the case. ADHD brains don't form habits in the same way as an NT brain does. Working memory is also likely going to be a massive issue. No amount of punishment or making them pay for lost items is going to resolve this. If they have ADHD, it's more complex than that.

It might be worth moving this to the SEND board to get some ideas of how you can try and support them. Having ADHD (if that's what is going on) doesn't mean they can't learn strategies to aide their executive functioning, but applying techniques for NT kids is just like flogging a dead horse. You'll get nowhere and it will be stressful for everyone.

Tbh I suspect that my son would have dealt with the Spanish homework situation by asking someone to copy theirs in form. As he’s popular, there’s probably no shortage of people who would offer.

As for homework, he had a time of day where he had to sit and do some and I didn’t check or help unless asked. The routine of homework time forced him to log into whatever apps and do some work but I have no idea if he was doing the “right” work because it takes time to work out whether doing to the day before or early works best for them. When they were in primary, Saturday morning after breakfast was weekend homework time. They are fed, not thirsty and probably mentally freshest so fewer arguments.

Just because school has gotten rid of the homework diaries doesn't mean that he can't use one, I'd buy him a cheap A5 notebooks for writing homework in during the lesson.

I am so much better at remembering things when I have written them down myself and do much better with paper lists /bullet journals etc than I do digital. It's far to easy to acknowledge and then ignore.

I do open circle bullet points for my lists and have found filling them in when something is complete much more useful that crossing them out for example.

Thanks for the replies and advice everyone.

I think we will start instigating a rule that the first thing they do when they get home is login to their Google classroom and check the subjects for that day and the next to see what homework there is or if any is due imminently. We have a magnetic homework planner on the fridge so they can physically write it on there. I like the idea of a sheet on the front door too for them to check before bed so they can check everything is in their bag, and as they're leaving in the morning.

I may also look into a small notebook so they have to physically write their homework in the classroom, which might help it stick in their brain a bit better! We have occasionally had issues where the teacher doesn't post the work online that day and then we forget to go back and recheck, so if it's written down in the lesson that should hopefully help. I think I may email the SEND lead for a chat as although we can probably manage homework like this, it won't help all the ditsy stuff during the day or around other things.

Sometimes she just paces around and doesn't seem to be able to settle, usually when she's excited or agitated about something. It's never been an issue with sitting still at school. If she's particularly anxious she does tend to over wash her hands (this happens maybe every so often and then might not again for ages). I have sometimes worried she seems a bit immature for her age but it's hard to gauge as all her best friends have older siblings so are possibly a bit more grown up due to that. She is quite shy but has never had any communication problems except a stammer when she was 4/5. This has completely resolved now. Nothing has ever seemed to negatively affect her socially or academically, but she is just away with the fairies a lot of the time and has a terrible memory. I'm just worried that things may escalate now she has to do more planning etc herself and it's more evident she really struggles with that.

Same here but my oldest has ADHD so that’s the root cause

what has helped : whiteboard (magnetic) on the fridge with checklist of key things … no treat till this is done and properly checked

I understand your concerns. For now I would read up on strategies for teenagers with autism and adhd and just see if any of them help. None of them will be harmful to NT child.

For my ds what really helped while waiting for a diagnosis and medication was quite the opposite of some suggestions here. I took everything tight back so I was completely helping organise him.

he was struggling and mentally exhausted, putting more responsibility on him was the absolute last thing he needed.

small things like changing his school bag so it could fit his books and PE kit really helped so he didn’t have to remember two bags.

morning, after school and before bed we went through all his books, homework, jobs etc. I sat with him for homework to help keep him focused.

over the next few months he started to relax again and very gradually he took over his organisation himself. There is no way I was going to sit there while things got worse at school because of his organisation, I fail to see how that would have helped him.

it took a year in total to build him back up to the level of independence a 12/13 year old should have with routine. It was worth it, he has strategies in place to cope. He was then started on medication and the change was profound, he still has the same routine, but significantly faster than before!