1 year old pinching CONSTANTLY!

[user1499609760]

My DD is 15 months. We have a real problem with her pinching. This has been going on for months now.

She pinches especially when she’s tired, frustrated, annoyed and/or bored. But sometimes she just seemingly randomly pinches: we can be reading a book together all nicely, and she’ll just pinch your forearm out of nowhere. It’s especially bad when she’s falling asleep: she likes to hold my or DH’s hand while falling asleep but then she’s pinching away like mad!

What can we do? We consistently tell her no pinching, ow that hurts, and try to model gentle hands, like stroking our hands/arms or stroking her hand. If it’s bad we will stop playing with her, sitting back and stopping engaging and saying no pinching. If she pinches while being held, we put her down if at all possible. It’s just that it’s hard to do that always, like if she’s pinching while trying to change her nappy, or while she’s falling asleep, we can’t put her down for example. It doesn’t help that often my DH will have a big reaction, loud voice etc. And sometimes I can’t help it myself, like when she grabs the skin on my neck and pinches hard, it’s difficult not to react, push her hands away etc.

I feel I’m at my wits’ end with this. Nursery have said she sometimes pinches there too. My hands and forearms are covered in little cuts, bruises and other marks from her, and the skin on the backs of my hands hurts from her constantly pinching there. It’s been going on for ages, and so much advice out there says it’s just a phase, they stop after a while, etc. But I don’t know what to do beyond what we’re already trying to do?

This stage was awful with my dd too. My face was a mess at one point. She did stop at around eighteen months.

I'd pinch her back hard

Why do you feel bad about pushing her hands away??

@Fragmentedbrain I don’t want to hurt my baby, thanks. And it’s not that I feel bad about pushing her hands away, it’s that so much advice on this says that if you give a big reaction to the behaviour, they will often keep doing it in order to get the reaction/attention. So it’s not so much pushing her away as her getting a reaction and potentially thinking it’s funny, for example.

@fairygardenpath here’s hoping it does stop eventually. My arms are truly awful; I’ve been wearing long sleeves at work as I’ve so many cuts, bruises etc.

Ok then suck it up buttercup

If you don't teach her asap that hurting people has consequences she's going to have a bad life, though

@Fragmentedbrain Better she have a pinching phase, than be a lifelong bitch

Thanks for your input.

I don’t think assaulting your baby is the way forward.

I just want to reassure you that it isn’t ‘naughty’ behaviour. I kind of get the feeling you know that from the response to @Fragmentedbrain !

My DD used to be a bloody nightmare to get to sleep. You had to lie with her listening to lullabies. While you were doing that she’d be grabbing your face constantly. I know I should have been firmer but I was desperate for her to go down asap after long exhausting days with her and her three year old brother and so I’d lie there wincing and swearing under my breath! She’s grab and twist the fleshiest parts of my face, grab my nose, my neck … it was horrible.

It is a sensory thing. I didn’t find cuddly toys helped but it’s worth a try!

DD is now 22 months and I just pop her in her cot and kiss her and that’s that.

All pinching her would have done (even if I was into abusing babies ) would have been to make her cry.

You're right, since mild physical discipline became unfashionable child mental health has improved vastly.

Oh no wait.

@Fragmentedbrain pinching babies isn’t mild physical discipline.

Child mental health has definitely exploded recently but that’s largely because anything a child could be anxious about has been branded anxiety. It isn’t because pinching babies is some sort of marvellously clever method of discipline that which will
ensure cheerful compliance in the years ahead!

Try holding her hands in yours if possible.
Maybe little gloves or socks in her hands.

But I think a firm 'no' and putting down or no engagement if that's not possible. Talking about kind hands doesn't really work at that age.

Thanks @Seeline. I don’t know if gloves or socks would work as she’d just yank them off and probably get even more annoyed 😅 But holding her hands is something I sometimes do and perhaps should do more often.

Otherwise, what you describe sounds very like what we’re trying to do. I think the nursery stresses gentle hands so that’s also why we say it. And sometimes she does stroke my arm/hand so I wonder if modelling what we’d like her to do, is at least partially getting through.

I’m speaking as a child protection detective. Pinching a baby hard, which is what you told her to do, is an assault. I hope you don’t have children.

Reasonable chastisement is entirely lawful in most of the UK.

I am fortunate not to have to deal with babies but I do recognise that children who don't learn that hurting people means you will be hurt back end up having awful adjustments into the real world. I find it a bit absurd that parents think "gentle hands" (🤢) is preparing their offspring for anything.

And I didn't tell her to do anything - just what I'd have done and so glad that's not my life. I can't imagine sitting covered in actual wounds and simpering "gentle hands!!!" about it. No wonder nobody has kids these days.

You could try something like this. Obviously not for leaving with her.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Fidget-Reusable-Sensory-Picking-Anxiety/dp/B0DZ6CTVXK/ref=mp_s_a_1_8?adgrpid=168011741461&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.lWPv4DboPzOMX4kSX-btS8w7LvKkMJoRvODOCFCOvhuZVVFvg4WkJNnvQgR_NbsVNikxTnLNdkS_zrjh0bRFI9KB576Oc7ztBEhI4T-sX4k4e9SuxbAKbtUiAnYTTe4IKLeslDmJvfhGK_Ebr0pn7wqvulE0ZEpra9q89_dfrJ_FijEy3zxI3HMi9jA3bP_FDA4kV6QtmzugkouSWYkl3A.WO-7FT22cCqf9bV9-Q3olVopLFoE98jPcPJYzN_prHc&dib_tag=se&gad_source=1&hvadid=723142966061&hvdev=m&hvexpln=0&hvlocphy=9195089&hvnetw=g&hvocijid=9991994534714517942--&hvqmt=e&hvrand=9991994534714517942&hvtargid=kwd-305474052468&hydadcr=3853_2154851&keywords=skin+picking+fidget+toys&mcid=d40eb10086c134bc9a2c029d1878b2a9&qid=1747687245&sr=8-8

DD did this for a while. obviously i didn’t hurt her….

It got better when I made a real effort to put other things in her hands - things that felt nice to squish like little squishmallow type toys or the poppit fidget toys.

My HV told me to shriek loudly every time my DD did this - loud enough to shock her.

that was 20 years ago, suspect times have changed! I didn’t try it btw, felt a bit weird screaming at my baby 😬

It’s most likely a sensory-seeking/soothing thing. DD1 used to rub my tummy like this, which wasn’t ideal when she exposed my very flabby stomach in public trying to do it! See also nipple twiddling!

I imagine she will grow out of it, but have you tried introducing a special toy, a comfort toy, for her to pinch instead? When she starts pinching, give her the toy and direct her to pinch that instead. If it’s a soothing mechanism, a comfort toy might help with that too. You can demonstrate yourself: ‘Look, Bob Bear has soft fur and it feels nice on your fingers’.

Also just holding her hands and saying ‘I won’t let you hurt me, but if you want to pinch, here’s Bob Bear.’

@doodleschnoodle I was going to suggest the same thing. Redirection works well for young children. @user1499609760 You are right about trying to avoid making a a big reaction even though it is hard not to sometimes. Babies and young children are like little scientists. They are learning about the world through discovery and experimenting. Cause and effect is fascinating.

Get some sensory toys that might feel similar to pinching skin. No to pinching mummy/daddy/whoever else, it hurts, yes to pinching toy.

Every time she pinched put her gown and wonder off. She'll soon figure out pinching means Mum moves a ay from her.

She has a rabbit soft toy that lives in the cot and at bedtime when she’s pinching I do try to move her hand to the rabbit but often she gets annoyed and searches for my hand. She seems to like the rabbit: she’ll often have her hand on it while sleeping. Maybe I should liberate it from the cot and bring it around, or would people suggest trying with a ‘new’ toy altogether?

@caringcarer We do try and do that, but it’s not always practical. Like if she pinches us while trying to change her nappy, it’s hard to just leave her on the table, bare bottom out. Or when she pinches while going to the car, or while we’re strapping her into her seat; hard to leave her & walk away. So it’s not something we can consistently do on every occasion.

Is this level of sustained ‘pinching’ behaviour, which has left a woman so injured she has to hide her arms at work, really ‘usual’? Months and months of if?

I’ve never heard of anything like it. 😬

@Gyozas What are you suggesting?

I’m ridiculously pale so any bruises or marks really show up on my skin. DD occasionally pinched before, but it’s really ramped up in the last 6-8 weeks, hence my asking for advice.

I don’t know about ‘so injured’ but I did have marks on my face when my DD went through this stage. She’s a perfectly bright, happy nearly two year old now. She just likes squishing things - she didn’t know the thing in question found it painful!