Mother lost interest in me since having DS

[afternoonbiscuit]

Since having my DS 2.5 years ago my mother has gradually lost interest in me.

I was disappointed early on about how little my parents are involved with their grandson, but now I’ve come to accept that that won’t change. What I didn’t expect was that my mother - with whom I have always been very close and used to spend hours talking to on the phone every week - would lose interest in ME.

She rarely calls or writes anymore. Her excuse is that she doesn’t know when to call as I’m busy with my son. When I visit them (they live abroad), they just go about their normal routine and hardly make an effort to spend time with me. My mother used to seek me out for chats, for example, which she no longer does. She mainly talks about her life, or my sister (who is single and has an exciting career and so is much more interesting than me, a SAHM, I guess), and doesn’t seem interested in my life.

She doesn’t really like children. I suppose this is what has made me so much less appealing to her now that I come with a toddler attachment. Being around her with my son I always feel like we’re a nuisance to her and that she disapproves of his high energy and my management of it. She polices his behaviour, shouts at him and worries constantly about him breaking things or making a mess. When my twin sister and I were born her own mother (who also doesn’t like children) offered no help and lost interest in my mother, which led to them having little contact for years. My mother always resented this and yet is doing the exact same thing herself…

I have another baby on the way and hope for a third eventually, so I have years of looking after small children ahead of me. I don’t know how to manage my relationship with my mother in this season of my life. I feel extreme resentment towards her and have started pulling away, not answering her rare calls and being distant and avoidant when I do see her. Now that I’m a parent myself I just can’t understand her behaviour and it makes me angry. Has anyone experienced something like this and found a way to still maintain a positive relationship?

You can't change her. Move on.

So terribly sad. I think you tell her straight and say this is her repeating history and she can either start appreciating you and being an actual decent human or she can experience the same as her Mother, as you will cut her out of your life

Give her this ultimatum

If she is aware of her relationship with her mother could you talk to her about how it is happening to you and what you can do about it? Maybe send her a letter/long message about it if you can’t do it in person, I think you need to address it or it’ll make you feel awful.

My parents are divorced and my dad and stepmum are a bit like this. They miss the old me that would stay up late and drink wine with them. They hate that I disappear off to do a bath time when they stay or we visit them as they want conversation or entertaining.
They often see my children as an obstacle to normal life eg their preferred meal times or daily activities. They don’t want anything adapted to be more child friendly (and therefore make my life easier).
Some people aren’t children people. I do get the impression they are waiting for me to come back to them when my children need me less

I would be blunt and explain she is doing to you what her own mother did to her. Then let her decide if she wants to maintain a relationship with you.