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Original poster

Feel like I’ve failed as a mum

19 replies

Crazycrewwrangler · 18/05/2025 21:54

Hi,
please help. I’ve followed on here on and off for 18 years but this is my first post. I just really need support from some other mums.
so I have two teenagers and a toddler. Today has been an incredible difficult day. My toddler has woken up and decided to chose carnage and violence. He’s ground me down all day with his behaviour and I was beyond exhausted and emotionally beat.
the situation I’m struggling most with is that my eldest daughter walked in at the precise moment I was broken (by my toddler). She walked in to find me sat staring at my son straying suncream onto the wall repeatedly. I was so burnt out that all I could think was he’s not hurting himself or breaking anything. My daughter was like “what the hell is going on” picked him up and washed his hands. I cleaned up the mess and carried on with him as normal. But now she keeps coming into the room to help with him, it feels like she’s supervising me and doesn’t trust me to parent him now! I’m mortified that she’s seen me at my worst and thinks I’m rubbish.
I have mum guilt constantly anyway and all I care about is being a good mum. So this is killing me 😭.
I don’t know what to do. I’m so sad about this. I can’t speak to my family or friends because I don’t want anyone to think I’m bad mum

OP posts:
MumChp · 18/05/2025 21:56

She is trying to help out. Don't worry about it. We all have hard days.

middleagedandinarage · 18/05/2025 21:57

OP don't beat yourself up, the fact that you are so upset by this shows what a good mum you are. We have all been here!
Speak to your daughter, thank her for her help and be honest with her. Sending hugs

NeedSomeComfy · 18/05/2025 21:59

I don't have experience in your exact situation (I've done the toddler stage but not the teenager!), but one thing that stuck out from your post was that your teenage daughter's response was to help to resolve the situation, and now make sure things are OK and do what she can to assist. Seems to me you've done a pretty good job raising her! After some of the teenage behaviour I read about on MN, I think you should give yourself a pat on the back there.

NineteenForever · 18/05/2025 22:00

Oh you're not a bad mum, we've all been there- and I think your older daughter knows you're worn out. Which in turn means you did a good job! Toddlers are tiring and its a total treadmill. Do you have anyone in real life you can talk to? Being a parent is hard work - no need for perfection, just do your best.

Somanylemons · 18/05/2025 22:02

Sounds like you raised her right and she’s trying to support you.

Thank her - talk to her about the situation, move on, support her in the same way if she’s ever in the same situation.

Readytohealnow · 18/05/2025 22:08

It sounds like the kid was bored out of his skull at home. Next time he starts get him outside and to the park. Burn off some steam and less destruction.
Daughter sounds great

Original poster
Crazycrewwrangler · 18/05/2025 22:18

Readytohealnow · 18/05/2025 22:08

It sounds like the kid was bored out of his skull at home. Next time he starts get him outside and to the park. Burn off some steam and less destruction.
Daughter sounds great

Edited

thanks, I get why you might think that but definitely not bored. If anything he was over tired as it was nearly bed time. We’d had a really busy day with various things and we’d only just got back from playing football with his brother and cousins all afternoon. He was just super tired and so was I. But I appreciate the feedback x

OP posts:
Original poster
Crazycrewwrangler · 18/05/2025 22:22

Thank you everyone 🥰. You’ve definitely helped me calm down abit now. I appreciate your kind words and support.
Yeh she really is a good girl and like you said she was probably just trying to help 😊.
it’s so nice just to here your support. It means a lot. Xx

OP posts:
Fuckinfedup · 18/05/2025 22:23

Aww I think your daughter sounds amazing. She loves her mum and at that age (teenager?) they definitely are emotionally able to understand that you need time out too.
sending hugs

Original poster
Crazycrewwrangler · 19/05/2025 09:06

Thank you all so much ❤️ xx

OP posts:
ChickenEggChicken · 19/05/2025 09:10

I’d see it as a sign you’ve succeeded as a mother. She saw you were struggling, intervened to help, and is checking you’re ok since SuncreamGate!

Superscientist · 19/05/2025 09:14

It sounds like you have a very emotionally intelligent young lady for your daughter.
I would take it that she recognised that you were a little bit frazzled and needed a hand rather than her thinking you need supervised.

JJWT · 19/05/2025 18:57

You brought her up. Her response demonstrates you did a good job of that, therefore evidence that you are a good mum. I hope you don't one day realise they're all grown up and you forgot to enjoy it because you were worrying too much about being judged by anyone if you were good enough or not.

A word of warning, some sunscreen stings like hell if it gets in their eyes.

Jumpers4goalposts · 19/05/2025 19:23

OP it sounds like you needed help at that moment in time. There should be no shame in asking for help even if that is from your child.

Dreambouse · 19/05/2025 19:25

NeedSomeComfy · 18/05/2025 21:59

I don't have experience in your exact situation (I've done the toddler stage but not the teenager!), but one thing that stuck out from your post was that your teenage daughter's response was to help to resolve the situation, and now make sure things are OK and do what she can to assist. Seems to me you've done a pretty good job raising her! After some of the teenage behaviour I read about on MN, I think you should give yourself a pat on the back there.

I agree with this!

Laura95167 · 19/05/2025 21:18

It sounds like you raised a great daughter. Who saw you in the middle of chaos and took over when you were tapped out, without criticising or asking for anything in return.

She saw chaos and stepped up to help her family. You've done excellently already if this is who she is. So don't worry, it'll work out.

auderesperare · 19/05/2025 21:22

You don’t need to be the perfect mother - just good enough. And you are. Perfectionism and children are a bad mix. One day you and your daughter will laugh about this. Hopefully soon.
Be real with your daughter. Explain you felt too exhausted and burnt out to move a muscle. Explain the demon toddler was over tired and over stimulated - a difficult combination. Thank her profusely for intervening.
Explain that going forward, you’re going to give yourself and your toddler less busy days. Build in some down time and quiet play. But suggest that she or her sibling take an hour when you are preparing dinner to play with the toddler in another room to give you some down time. Is there a partner in the picture who could do more?
Enjoy your kids, laugh at yourself with them. Drop the mum guilt. If you know you need to change something, change it. Mum guilt never achieved anything. Chill with the kids. They’d rather have you happy and healthy than have the perfect home.

Fiver555 · 19/05/2025 21:23

Goodness, we've all been there. I remember just watching, exhausted, while my child dug with bare hands into a plant pot and spread the dirt all over our balcony. I didn't have the energy to say no and find something else to distract them with. A bit of suncream up the walls - pah - who cares!

notnowmrshudson · 23/05/2025 10:50

ds was the same when dd was a baby...just always thanked him for his help. It's not the worst that they see you as human and in need of support too. Wishing you all the best x

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