Not Enjoying Being A Parent To My 1 Year Old

[LCE85]

Hi
I just want to reach out as I feel like I’m struggling.

I have a 1 year old, and I know this sounds terrible but I’m just really not enjoying being a parent. It’s so consuming and demanding, it feels like it’s all I do. I very rarely do any self care, I no longer have the time and energy for the hobbies I used to do before having my daughter.

I feel like there’s something wrong with me for feeling like this and also incredible guilt too. I suffered with post natal depression when she was born (as well as my husband to be honest!) as neither of us have ever been massively maternal, and still don’t feel like we are. And we both REALLY miss our old lives.

Don’t get me wrong, we love our daughter dearly. But specifically when she is being difficult we sometimes question what have we done, which again, sounds awful and what a horrible thing to think!! It’s so hard sometimes. I feel all I do is be a Mum, feel completely exhausted by the evenings so can’t get creative (I used to paint before she was born).

I’m not really sure if I have a question but I’m just wondering is this normal? Is there anyone else who feels this way? I almost wish there were parents we could talk to who feel the same but I think maybe people are scared to admit any sorts of feelings like this.

I feel sad that both myself and my husband feel like this! It’s really sad when you really think about it.

Sorry you’re feeling like this. Sounds like maybe your PND isn’t as resolved as you think it it?

Are you back at work yet/do you plan to go back? I dreaded going back after mat leave but ended up enjoying the time to be me again & function as something other than Mum.

Would it be an option for you & DH to work out a routine that gives you both set time each week to do things for yourself? That could help too?

How well does she sleep? I was on my knees with ds until 9 months. Then did a very simple routine and he was sleeping through 7 til 7. Our lives and his were transformed..

Part of it may be normal exhaustion. But, tbh, I would maybe try to find out where your dissatisfaction comes from: if it's persistent, meaning it's not a bad day or couple of sleepless weeks, It looks like something else is going on?
Do you get on well with your own parents?

1 year is still pretty in the thick of it! It sounds like you need a bit more balance, do you get any time to yourself?

Yes it's hard. Exhausting. The tediousness of doing every single physical task for them. Possibly also getting the emotional challenges starting of tantrums and opinions too.
Do you enjoy spending time with her? Because if you never do, I'd suggest the PND or probably now just depression is not completely resolved.
No time for yourself I also struggle with. We've found that it helps to have booked things in to make us go and do them. If we just say, I'll go to the gym tonight, it never happens; end up on the sofa doomscrolling again. If I have a booked and paid for exercise class, I'm definitely going, bar medical emergency. DH can handle the children just as well as me. What's your DH like with your daughter, does he pull his weight and facilitate you going out in the evening sometimes?

I felt like this for the first 3 years. We had her in my late 30’s and I think I really struggled with the adjustment. It’s fine now and I don’t feel the same way but it did take a while. I remember moaning to my husband and he said “well yeah you would have to be insane to enjoy this” (said with grin on his face, was completely in love with DD from the moment he laid eyes on her) and it made me feel a bit better. It’s ok to not like the shit bits but try to really lean in to the nice bits. It gets easier as they get bigger as their personality starts coming out more and they do get quite funny.

I don’t think I had PND, I think I just really regretted how my life had changed and how limiting having a child can be. You can’t just walk out the door or go to sleep and wake up when you want. Life changes massively, some of us take longer than others to get over it. You may want to talk to your GP though.

How’s your DH with her when you’re not around? Confident to be left while you have some time to yourself to be creative or just do something you used to do?

Our DS is 11 months and while we both definitely have pangs of missing our old life we work hard to carve out time for each of us to do something for ourselves and it really helps. DH will go for a bike ride or to the cinema with a mate, I have dinner out with a friend once a month or so and go to Pilates weekly. Whenever there’s a chance for someone to have a lie in (7.30am being a lie in these days) then whoever is in most need at the time has it while the other gets up and gets on with the morning routine. Having spoken to others with babies the same age though I appreciate that my DH is a much more hands on and confident parent than some!

We still miss time just for the two of us are we’re not really comfortable to leave him with a babysitter unless it’s essential, but now he’s at nursery a few days a week we’re going to take a days annual leave and have a day out together.

First couple of years were savage! We also had kids a bit later and missed our childfree days from time to time! But DD is super cool and now shes 4 we have picked up old hobbies as well as having family time!

Good luck!!

Are they in childcare? If not could you put them in part time? Might give you a breather

What are your work schedules like? Can you divide and conquer?
We each have an evening "off" during the week. Then weekends one of us is usually doing something with friends so we don't feel like we're missing out etc
For example this week - my partner was doing a course on Monday, I went to the pub by myself for dinner and a drink on Tuesday. Friday I had dinner with a friend, then Saturday morning I took our child to soft play by myself so my partner had some time, then today i met a friend for breakfast by myself
We still had Saturday and Sunday afternoon as a family.
Don't be a martyr and you both need to carve out some time.
Also don't feel you need to be a stay at home parent if you don't enjoy it (no idea if you are)

I think the early years are extremely tough. Even if you loved every waking minute of it (which I highly doubt anyone does), you'd still be utterly exhausted physically and mentally.

A typical 2 yo has an attention span of 5 minutes which can feel relentless to any adult, but especially if you're used to getting into a flow state through painting.

God yes totally normal. My babies did it well but I found the shocked adjustment very hard. I’m not as maternal as I thought I was! Grown up now but can’t say I found it enjoyable, as much as I love my children.