Is this normal for a 6 year old? Constant "I don't know" or "I can't remember"

[Scruffalo1]

It's driving me crazy. I try and try to channel as much patience as possible, but its so hard!! I'm also unsure whether this is unusual for a 6 year old, so would appreciate a bit of advice.

So, let's start with school. I get it's overwhelming if I ask loads of questions, so I've started asking if he had a thumbs up, thumbs down, or in the middle day. He usually says "in the middle". Then I say "ahhh, okay, me too, because.....so, can you tell me one good thing about your day?". This is always met with "erm, I'm not sure, I can't remember". Fine, I don't push it.

He doesn't want to go swimming anymore. It's just come out of nowhere, after getting on really really well. I've tried to find different ways of getting to the bottom of it, but he just constantly says "I'm not sure" or "I don't know". I'm conscious of offering options, like "is the pool too cold" because I think I then insert the idea into his brain.

Today really tested my patience. We were walking home, he saw one of his best friends up ahead, I said "do you want to run up and say hi?". He said "yeah, but you have to run with me". I asked why, as his friend was genuinely no more than 5 metres away down a lovely little track, with no cars and no people. He then just said "erm, I'm not sure". And then refused to move. I asked if there was a reason he wasn't feeling comfortable, and he just said "ermmmm, I don't know." And then he sulked.

I just want to talk to him, and help him when I can, but I feel like I never get to have any sort of conversation with him. I want to hear about his day, help him if he's feeling anxious, share in the fun moments...and I get nothing. We play loads of memory games and he's amazing at them, so it's not like he has a problem with memory or anything? I think he just can't put his feelings into words maybe?

Is this relatively normal for a 6 year old? Am I expecting too much?

Thank you

@RatOfTheHighway oh sorry I wasn't coming for you, your advice has been really helpful! This is all coming from my own uncertainty. It's hard to navigate when he's always been very sensitive, incredibly reliant, and not great at articulating his feelings

@Scruffalo1 thats ok! Sorry if I came across as snippy! At the end of the day were all just trying our best to not mess our kids up 😂 I don’t think anyone has all the answers. I think the fact you’re asking for other people’s experiences or advice show that you just want what’s best for your child and you’re open to figuring out what works best for your dc.

My daughter would do this. Turned out she had a clinical speech and language disorder! Basically she found it hard work to put together a sentence - a bit like me trying to use my rudimentary German - and it was easier to say "I don't know".

We didn't find out til year 5 when we had her assessed.

I'm not saying this is your son's case but it is useful to consider it.

@Arran2024 that's interesting, thank you for sharing. He's always been behind on his speech, and had speech and language therapy last year. He still struggles with certain sounds now, and I was actually considering taking him back, but I've never got the sense he's struggled with the comprehension side. His vocabulary is quite extensive I'd say, it's just the sound formation he struggles with

Totally normal, dd1 is 8 and she is still like this. What did you do at school today "can't remember" 🙈🙈🙈

It isn't necessarily comprehension (though my daughter did have what they call "receptive language difficulties"). It can just be the chore of having to formulate an answer. It's much harder to do that than to chat about what you want to say. So it can sound like a child has no problem, because they happily chat away - the problem is when they are forced to create sentences on a subject.

The other possibility is a problem with memory, which can also be a SAL issue.

And another one is PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance Syndrome) which my daughter also has - this is where a direct demand like a question causes them to clam up.

Anyway, some things to consider. But also just knowing he isn't necessarily being difficult may help x

It can just be the chore of having to formulate an answer

This, so clearly, is the issue.

We just need to have empathy for our kids... have you never come home from a long day at work and just want to be quiet? Can you imagine if your dh was like "so how was work? But how was it really though, in detail? What do you mean you dunno? What did you have for lunch?"

School is exhausting for children. They are exhausted at the end of the day

@Scruffalo1 Now you have added a bit of info - it’s the effort needed. It doesn’t come easily. I might back off with the questions. My DD was more than calicos oc talking about school but didn’t always want to. When a child had been naughty I certainly heard about it.

I probably would speak to the speech therapist for advice. No one will judge you on the loo issue! Just remind him he knows what to do!

My nearly 5 year old can be very like this, down to wanting me to do everything for him and I'm not always sure if it is anxiety/laziness/habit/testing my dedication to him! Or the other day he just randomly started saying this other little boy in his class is mean and horrible but when I tried to gently probe why he said he didn't know.

I think sometimes when something has happened and we want them to chat to us about how they are feeling it isn't always the time that they decide to share. It can help to give them the skills for talking about how they feel about things, and then just be ready to listen whenever they do choose to talk. Have you tried modelling it? So saying something to him like, "I saw someone from my old job today. I hadn't seen her for ages so I felt a bit nervous saying hi" "or "I really didn't fancy going for a run last night because I was so tired after work, it was hard to get off the sofa". And then just leave it there, no need to say anything else about it but he is seeing how you express yourself and hopefully taking it in? I always find with my DS in all sorts of situations if I put the focus too much on him he doesn't like it and clams up, but I put things in terms of me and my experiences he is more likely to process it.

@KrankyKracken I also think dc can pick up on vibes and language at school. Quite possibly he hasn’t experienced anything negative but is repeating what he’s heard other dc say. He cannot tell you anything because it’s not happened to him.

It's also possible with something like the stairs that it is neither laziness nor needing support, just something he wants because it's nice and makes him feel good. It's ok to be a bit soft with kids about stuff like this that doesn't matter.

Sounds like he doesn’t want to talk about or doesn’t want to talk about it then. Let him decompress from school. Try and imagine what it’s like been trapped in a room with 30 6 year olds for a day with little choice about what you do, it’s nosiy, smelly, bright and exhausting.

Later ask him what he had for pudding with lunch or who did he play with.

As for swimming. I’m assuming you’re talking about lessons? Again they’re hard work and can be sensory overwhelming. Take him swimming for fun at the weekend. Tell him when he gets to age whatever and has passes stage 7 he can go swimming with just friends. You need to show him whats in it for him.

Y1/2 classrooms really should not be noisy or smelly! Exhausting? Not for most dc. Mine went dancing after school. I get a few dc feel like this but I don’t recognise this description of classes in most good schools.

That is very common and, frankly, children do not like being questioned. You might find he opens up spontaneously if you don't ask him too much. I used to be interrogated by my mother regularly, hated it and clammed up. If I had tried to explain some things to her, often when I couldn't find the words or wasn't sure, she would have voiced opinions and made no effort to understand. Leave your boy alone, he'll be fine and will let you know if he needs help with anything.