Is this normal for a 6 year old? Constant "I don't know" or "I can't remember"

[Scruffalo1]

It's driving me crazy. I try and try to channel as much patience as possible, but its so hard!! I'm also unsure whether this is unusual for a 6 year old, so would appreciate a bit of advice.

So, let's start with school. I get it's overwhelming if I ask loads of questions, so I've started asking if he had a thumbs up, thumbs down, or in the middle day. He usually says "in the middle". Then I say "ahhh, okay, me too, because.....so, can you tell me one good thing about your day?". This is always met with "erm, I'm not sure, I can't remember". Fine, I don't push it.

He doesn't want to go swimming anymore. It's just come out of nowhere, after getting on really really well. I've tried to find different ways of getting to the bottom of it, but he just constantly says "I'm not sure" or "I don't know". I'm conscious of offering options, like "is the pool too cold" because I think I then insert the idea into his brain.

Today really tested my patience. We were walking home, he saw one of his best friends up ahead, I said "do you want to run up and say hi?". He said "yeah, but you have to run with me". I asked why, as his friend was genuinely no more than 5 metres away down a lovely little track, with no cars and no people. He then just said "erm, I'm not sure". And then refused to move. I asked if there was a reason he wasn't feeling comfortable, and he just said "ermmmm, I don't know." And then he sulked.

I just want to talk to him, and help him when I can, but I feel like I never get to have any sort of conversation with him. I want to hear about his day, help him if he's feeling anxious, share in the fun moments...and I get nothing. We play loads of memory games and he's amazing at them, so it's not like he has a problem with memory or anything? I think he just can't put his feelings into words maybe?

Is this relatively normal for a 6 year old? Am I expecting too much?

Thank you

i think this is pretty common, DD certainly was like this and still is to an extent at 11yo. At the end of what for them is a long day, the last thing they want to do is think and talk. I found that asking silly questions got me more of a discussion and information about what was going on at school. So instead of ‘How was your day?’ I’d say ‘I heard you had giraffe burger for lunch, she’d laugh and say no, so that gave me an opening to say ‘oh really, what did you have then?’ And so on.

I know that at the end of a long day at work I just really can’t face decisions some days, even things that must seem really simple to others, feel hard sometimes. DH will ask what I want for dinner and I’ll just not know, I genuinely in that moment couldn’t care less and would happily eat anything you put in front of me as long as I don’t have to decide what it is.

It sounds pretty normal to me. They don't always know what they think of things at that age and they struggle to identify emotions. They don't really have the language to communicate their thoughts either.

With the running thing, that sounds a lot like shyness to me. With hand holding type things, I'd just go along with them. My philosophy was always to grant requests if they were reasonable, even if they seemed illogical to me. It's obviously important to them.

Yes totally normal. You are asking too many questions. He is overwhelmed and doesn't have the words to express that feeling.

Would you like to come home from day at work where you've had to concentrate, speak to multiple people, and juggle various demands on your time and attention and then have to be quizzed on it the minute you walk through the door?

Also, listen to him when he does speak. He asked you to run with him. He did tell you what he needed, you just didn't listen.

My DD is a talker and will tell me everything but not straight out of school. She says it’s too soon. So I just say oh it’s so lovely to see you! And then be quiet or talk about dogs in the park or whatever. Then later usually at bath I get the whole story. It might be that he just can’t think on his feet and needs processing time.

My DS is nearly 6 and exactly the same. We do the thumbs up/thumbs down after school but I don’t ask any other questions. I do get random bits of information throughout the day so I just take what I can get and assume everything is as okay as it can be when you’re 5.

Mine is 6, although quite severely autistic mainly affecting communication/social interaction.

What I've found helpful is (usually over dinner once he's a bit distracted and has had time to settle) is having a family discussion about our favourite thing that day, or if something made us unhappy or scared etc.

It worked for a while, now I get... what was your favourite thing? Everything. Did anything make you sad? Nothing

Most of his days probably are ordinary. My days at work generally are and i dont fancy telling my husband every detail when i get in. But its given him the tools to communicate when he needs to. He started a new after school club today and came running in to tell me about his favourite thing. Last week he broke his water bottle and came out telling me to ask if anything made him sad that day.

I don't know if that's helpful. I've certainly given up asking what he had for snack time 🙄

Sounds pretty normal. I have to ask my 7YO really specific questions to get any kind of response about her day- what was for pudding, who did you sit next to on the bus etc. and I don’t push it because honestly I’d hate it if I had to give a blow by blow about my work day when I’m tired and just want to decompress. How are the swim lessons connected? Maybe they’re just are a bit crap? My DD stalled at that age because she couldn’t master butterfly but without it couldn’t move on to the next stage. You could try different lessons or just taking him regularly yourself if he’s of a decent. And perhaps he was shy with his friend. I wouldn’t overthink any of it.

@WallaceinAnderland I mean, I'm not really asking many questions, just the thumbs up/down and then one good thing about your day....when he says "I can't remember", I leave it be...

The running thing, he didn't ask me, he whinged it at me. It was out of character is all, ordinarily he loves charging towards his friends after school, hence I think my question was justified...so, I am listening, but I'm also trying to understand him and adapt my communication where I can.

Even my 13 year old is like this at times. They just don’t have the ability to translate big feelings. Try asking if anything funny happened today. Was anyone sad? What was the thing that you most liked.

@Golidlocksandthethreeswears that is helpful, thank you ☺️

See it from his viewpoint, imagine there's a sonsnet.

Aibu, my mum keeps asking me daft questions? I wanted her to run down the hill with me and it's always "why?" Give me a break! Surely the reason is obvious! Then sometimes it's the end of the day and I can't wait to put my feet up on the sofa and watch paw patrol with a milkshake but no! It's always "what did you have for lunch, what did you learn in maths"

I do think at a young age you can try and infer how they feel without putting words in their mouth. Say it with curiosity
i wonder if you didn’t want to run up to x because you felt a bit shy? I feel shy sometimes….
does something about the pool not feel good? Can I suggest some reasons that might be…?
sounds like they need some support to develop their emotion vocabulary which is normal at 6.

One other thing to remember about the school day is that it’s loud and busy and full on, they are in a classroom with 25-30 other chattering kids then on a playground with a hundred chattering kids or in a lunchroom. They’re being challenged all day to learn new things, stretch their creativity, do social activities that may feel scary. They’re being challenged sometimes just need an opportunity to process and be quiet.

I would just stop asking questions. He will let you know what he wants. Silent thoughts never go amiss. Just say he’s going to swimming unless he can say why he shouldn’t go. Don’t keep suggesting things to him. Let him decide but don’t give up swimming - it’s a life saver!

You know how it's really annoying when toddlers go "mummy! Mummy! Mummy!" To get your attention when you just want some peace...

Or when you ask a toddler to do something and they say "whyyyyy?"

...well, we parents need to be careful not to do the same back!

Totally normal. I never got any conversation out of my kids straight after school. We often had conversations later and it was always a bit of a joke how they wanted to suddenly talk about everything when it was time for bed.

This is a good way to express what I was thinking - OP you are asking too many questions!

The question why is very, very hard for a child to answer. Why do you ask why?

It would be better to be more patient and wait for him to tell you things spontaneously.

Okay I'm trying really hard to speak 6 year old here but, I'm also conscious of doing tooooo much for him sometimes.

The running to his friend thing, I do get he may have been feeling shy...I just asked in the hope he might be able to share that with me, because it was so out of character. But other times he'll say things like "I need the toilet" and I'll say "okay great, go ahead, I'm just serving dinner". He'll then refuse to go unless I go with him and when I ask why, he'll say "I don't know". He's perfectly capable of going to the toilet on his own, and there are times he'll do it happily. I want to support him, but if I don't ask him these questions or challenge back a bit then I feel like he'll become increasingly more reliant on me for things that he should be doing for himself. Like, getting dressed!

Yes I would say it’s normal. Ds7 can be like that but he has gotten better recently. He loves school and has lots of friends so it’s not that he’s anxious about anything in particular.
a few things I found that helped was explaining why I was asking him about his day, to him it was just annoying, because although he’s clever it was as if he didn’t realise I didn’t know what he did all day 😂 I explained that when he’s at school I miss him and often stop and wonder ‘o I wonder what ds is up to right now?’ I think because once at school he doesn’t stop to think about me, it didn’t cross his mind lol

picking the right time to ask, definitely not straight after school, he needs time to decompress and relax but also not last thing before bed either.

I also just don’t push it, don’t want to make a big thing on it as it can make them more reluctant to share anything.

lastly, I think some of it is just down to individual personality and it’s partly just how they are. They’re developing and growing confidence in being their own independent person.

In the last year ds has started to tell me a whole run down of his day, whereas before I would get nothing from him!

He can't explain why. He just wants you to go with him because he's six. Just go, and he'll grow out of it soon enough.

Six is still very little and he's working hard every day to grow up and learn.

but if I don't ask him these questions or challenge back a bit then I feel like he'll become increasingly more reliant on me where is this worry coming from??

@verycloakanddaggers thank you, that's fair. I think maybe I have just got a bit too caught up on it all, because I'm living it day to day and sometimes it's hard to remember he's only 6.

The over-reliance thing, it's just something I'm conscious of I suppose. He's constantly trying to get me to do everything for him, and I just want him to take a bit of responsibility for himself. Tonight he sulked because I wouldn't carry him up the stairs, because he didn't want to walk. I get that maybe the lines are blurring a bit, between what he refuses to do out of pure laziness and what he actually needs a bit of support over.

Also he’s 6 he won’t be little for long, let him be reliant sometimes when he needs it.
the road to growing up isn’t always linear, sometimes he might not know why he needs you a bit more than usual for something that seems random, but he needs reassurance that your there for him.

@Scruffalo1 So stand your ground! Say no. What would his teacher say? Yes DS, of course I’ll take you to the loo. Not going to happen is it? Be kind but firm.

@TizerorFizz thanks, and I absolutely do stand my ground, but I'm struggling with where the line is. When the answer to everything is "I don't know", I struggle. I stand my ground with the toilet, but I feel like someone here could easily turn around to me and say "he's asking you to take him, there's a reason, he might be scared, you should support him"....

@Scruffalo1 obviously not. I think myself and others just meant pick your battles, don’t make everything a battle.