How to be more loving

[Wanttodobetter]

I’m divorced and have 50/50 custody with my ex husband with our 4 children. I work full time and have no family in the area (we moved here for his family and they nor him speak to me now).

I’m doing my best - I take the kids to their clubs and encourage them, we sit at the table together for meals, I read stories before bed (to the youngest), I try to be here for them and work is organised with long and short days to allow this.

My issue is I’m stricter than my ex. I try to restrict screen time during the school week to 1 hour as I honestly think it’s healthier for them to be doing other things (reading, drawings, playing etc). Also if a lovely summer day, I don’t want them all sat inside on screens. My ex doesn’t have many screen restrictions so I feel I’m always the bad guy and the youngest in particular spends a lot of time on screens there. She often says she wants to go to Dads if I say no which is heartbreaking.

My ex lives with his family and the kids get a lot of adult time when there. This is great for them as easier to take 1 child out for example or do a specific fun thing. I’m on my own so trying to do everything - work, house stuff, parenting. I can’t just take 1 child out or spend a lot of time 1 on 1 as I always have the other children (ages 7-14).

i do cuddle them and tell them I love them and proud of them. However, I don’t think I’m naturally a very warm and loving person. I’m quite reserved and felt unloved in my own childhood by my parents. I worry I might be ND to some degree.

At weekends, I try to do family things so play games, play in garden or take them out. My budget is restricted though so we can’t afford to do a lot of things. It’s also difficult when one wants to go to the park, the others don’t etc. Hard with the age range. I sit with the oldest 2 at night and we watch a series together but we don’t get much 1 on 1 time.

How can I do better? I love my children with all of my heart and everything I do is thinking about them. I worry they don’t see or know this and just see me as the strict, sometimes stressed parent. Especially when comparing to the time they spend with their GP at their Dads. I worry they don’t know how much I love them. I hate how they talk to me sometimes (my ex was very much like this) and it makes me feel hurt.

Sorry for the long post.

Sounds as if you’re doing a great job. Don’t be so hard on yourself.

It sounds like you’re doing amazingly in a difficult situation. Everyone has different views on this but maybe you could relax the screen time a bit? I have a child with ASD and he does a lot of Minecraft, creating worlds. He bonds with his friends over it and I think it doesn’t do him any harm to have a couple of hours on it after school.

I am in a similar situation to you in some ways, I moved with my ex to be closer to his family and then he left me. It’s very hurtful and isolating so I feel for you x

I'm very much like you. Still with DH but I find it hard to remember to be loving caring mum rather than 'capable and everyone has socks on' mum.

My solution is the odd bit of spontaneity. Pick them up from school and go out for the evening with them. Pancakes for breakfast. Crucially don't tell them beforehand!

Sounds like you are doing great - four dc and two is no walk in the park so to do on your own is never going to be easy.

Like PP I think you do need to cut yourself some slack - particularly for your oldest dc. Can they have a bit more screen time - for boys especially it can be a great social link if they play and chat with friends. Can you start leaving the oldest at home a bit more and only taking the youngest out.

They will appreciate you but might not fully realise that till they are older.

I had to work a lot of overtime when my children were little just to keep our heads above water. Their dad left me but did have regular contact with them. He was the Disney dad . He refused to pay maintenance but took them on fab days out and holidays . I couldn’t compete and it made me sad. We did do fun cheap activities with friends though. I asked them as adults if they remember the hard times but they don’t really. I still see lots of them and my grandchildren but my ex only sees them every few weeks . You are doing a great job .

You sound like you are doing a great job and providing them with a wonderful childhood that will help them to become good people.
Not giving them screen time is showing love, it is just hard to do in the context we live in now.
Best wishes.

Thanks for this, I think it’s a great idea. Things do become a bit too routine so nice to break it up.

Everyone says that they may not appreciate me now but will in the future. I hope this is true! My ex and his family are very negative about me to/in front of the children so I hope it doesn’t rub off on them.

I hope they do remember the good times - I’m the only one that takes them on holiday, days out etc. I hope they remember this, and the stuff we do at home, rather than the stressed out Mum.

Had a particularly stressful night last night. My children all have chores, nothing too major. The youngest has to sort the recycling. She hadn't done to all week so I asked her to do it yesterday. She absolutely did not want to do it and started screaming. This escalated to her saying she was running away to Dads and she put her shoes on and left the house. She came back after 5 mins or so but again said she was leaving. I ended up having to lock the doors.

Every time I say no to her, she says she wants to go to her Dads. I don’t know how to deal with this, she is only 8! It’s surely going to get a lot worse. Last night, I kept explaining that the whole family has jobs to do, my elder son offered to help her also. I explained that she can’t just run away if I don’t give her the answer she wants. After about an hour of screaming and trying to leave, she did her job and it took 5 mins.

I know at his they let her watch screens whenever she likes. They cook 4 different meals to give the kids what they want to eat (I don’t do this). There are 3 adults to 4 children. I can see why she wants to go there.

You sound as if you are doing a great job already.
Without turning it into a lecture, I'd use the 'agree with the feeling not the request' technique, when it comes to screen time. E.g. 'I know you want to stay on that game/watch another episode'. Screen games and shows and social media are designed to addict us. But our bodies and brains need time to run around, create things, chat together.'

Children love rituals. You could have a picnic night once a week, in the garden or park if it's sunny. Or kitchen jukebox where each person chooses one song to play to listen or dance or sing along to.

You could also make casual positive comments, not as if you are assessing them. I used to tell DS1 I loved the way he played certain pieces on piano or tell DS2 I loved how dry his sense of humour is.

OP you sound like you're doing a great job. I know it's hard, but try to stop thinking about or comparing your set up to what happens at their dad's.