2nd child anxiety

[Tupelobound]

I am due my second child within a matter of days and my anxiety has really ramped up a notch with just how I will cope.

I have a DS who is 3 and after he was born, I suffered from extreme post natal anxiety and depression and became suicidal and was admitted to a mother and baby unit for a short stay. On paper I should have had everything going for me, good support network, a very involved husband and a baby that slept well and was generally "easy". However I still absolutely hated maternity leave and found the baby stage absolutely miserable and despite loving my son, plotted many ways I could escape. It wasn't until I went back to work full time things became remarkably easier.

My easy baby turned into an easy toddler and generally parenting him now isn't difficult and we have a wonderful bond. I get plenty sleep now and downtime and life felt balanced. However I've always been an anxious person and I suppose it was anxiety that led me to become pregnant again. Fear that my son would be lonely as an only child, guilt at not giving him a sibling, guilt at him not having a playmate and small family. Also fear of something happening to him and not having a child. Everyone else seemed to be getting pregnant and I was worried we'd be left on our own while his friends socialised with their siblings.

I'm aware these are completely the wrong reasons to have a child. I don't even speak to my siblings and know plenty of happy only children but what's done is done and this is where I am now.

I've been in denial this whole pregnancy and I'm now at the point of complete panic. Everyone says you don't get the same baby twice and no one can reassurance me as no one can tell you what sort of baby will you get.

I don't know how I'll cope with the sleepless nights and a 3 year old. Or when they are both sick. Or the juggling both their needs. Or the lack of downtime and that my house and life will be less calm. Or if I have a child that has complex needs. I keep having flashbacks to how unwell I was and I can't believe I was so stupid to go for a 2nd time. I'm also 38 soon and feel too old to be having a baby. My parents are now older to (72) and not as able to provide as much support. And everything being more expensive too.

I don't know why I'm typing this. Maybe for reassurance and positive stories but I'd do anything to turn back the time.

I'm so sorry you're experiencing this, and I wish there were simple answers, but unfortunately, there aren't. If you had asked this question before conceiving, I might have advised against having another baby—but now that your little one is on the way, I think it's wonderful that you're preparing for the challenges ahead.

People are right when they say you can’t choose a baby’s temperament. Every child is unique, with their own personality, regardless of birth order. Your second baby may be similar to your older one, or they might be completely different—but whatever the case, you are doing the right thing by thinking ahead.

I strongly encourage you to seek professional support, like therapy, to help navigate this transition. Additionally, gathering a strong support system—whether from your partner, family, friends, or medical professionals—will make a significant difference. Having two little humans to care for can be overwhelming, even under the best circumstances.

Most importantly, allow yourself to feel whatever emotions come your way, both now and after the baby arrives. If you ever find that these emotions become overwhelming or harmful to yourself or your children, please reach out to your partner or doctor immediately. You are not alone in this, and there are people who care and want to help.

Wishing you all the best on this journey—and don't forget to find moments to enjoy! Sending hugs your way.

Thank you for your kind post. Your right, I wouldn't have advised someone in my position to have a 2nd baby. I'm not sure why I chose to but we are here now.

I'm very lucky in that I have a good support system. Despite being older my parents are still supportive and I have the most fabulous in-laws (I am exceptionally close to my MIL) nearby who are younger and absolutely fantastic grandparents to my son as well as a good circle of friends and I am well supported by professionals too including having a great health visitor and GP and private counsellor.

My mum while obviously excited for another grandchild was surprised and concerned about me getting pregnant again. I was lucky in that there was never any family pressure in having a 2nd child.

I remember the first few months of dc2 being distraught about my lost bond with dc1. It wasn't lost at all, I was clearly very hormonal. But just to say that if you experience this it will get better!

Honestly - I really struggled with having a second, it’s so hard juggling the needs of a toddler with a baby. I was like arghh there’s always someone crying! I had to go on antidepressants, lost unhealthy amounts of weight and really struggled. What healed me was having my third, unplanned and unexpected during lockdown with my husband threatening to leave if I had the baby. Suddenly I went into Earth mama mode and had to put me and my babies first and everything else could go fuck itself. A simpler way to live. I don’t know how I could have emulated that attitude when I was struggling with two. But really it was if mama is out and about, has a glass of wine in her hand and some friends to laugh with, and the kids have what they physically need to survive at that time, you are rocking motherhood.

not sure if that helps but in the balance of posts you’ll get, hopefully it’s some wisdom from your future!

Now I have 3 and they’re medium age kids, they are a joy and keep each other and me entertained and it’s fine. Motherhood is a HARD career and it doesn’t come easily to many of us. I’m an awesome mum now but I was a bit shit when it was just me and my first. Not that he cares. He loves me to the moon and back.

They sleep tons at first during the day and obviously they do wake at night but it isn't the same experience as having your first. In the beginning at least. It's rather like the baby is just another chore, nappy changing, holding and feeding is kind of second nature. As 2nd gets more demanding, it is a case of still trying to prioritise 1st's needs. I used to feel so exasperated as I'd be looking for a lost toy or fixing something that has caused 1st to blow up while 2nd was screaming for basic needs but I knew if I didn't prioritise 1st's issue, it would cause him more distress and 2nd wouldn't remember me not being quite so on it as I might have liked. It felt like it was all about 1st for a long time, and 2nd remained a bit of a mystery until he asserted his presence in the house at about age 2.