Help, 11 year daughter doesn’t want to live with me

[Mmann316]

(edited by MNHQ at request of OP)
Desperate mum looking for advice pls…..my 11 year old daughter has always gone between her dad’s house and mine. She stays with him 2 nights one week, then 4 the next, this was done via court order when she was a baby. We always had a great relationship until last year. We decided to move 20 miles to move in with my long term partner, this is something she agreed to and we waited 5 months to do it after initially talking about it, I promised I would still drop her to her same school and clubs and I did. This was last June. Very quickly it was evident she wasn’t happy, miserable and very moody, her dad caused a lot of issues with pick ups, saying I can’t just move and he continues to do this, for context the court order said he is to facilitate pick up and drops offs but I always done one way to help out. I think he gave off to my daughter about how far away we lived which only made her more angry and sad. I spoke to a solicitor who advised I can’t move where I want if I see fit. Within 4 weeks I knew this new home wasn’t going to work, my daughter cried every night and wanted to go live with her dad. We all made the decision to move back home where we came from and applied for a good straight away, this process was not quick however we did get somewhere and moved back home in 2 months. My daughter was completely miserable by this time, resented me for moving her (even though I have her the choice), however I do get that kids don’t understand what some changes would feel like until they’re done. I tried one on one with her, apologising to her for making her miserable and promised I would do everything to fix our relationship. She was very angry and never wanting to come home, endless nights standing on the door step to try get her out of her dads car. This wasn’t my daughter 5 months ago. I decided to send her for private counselling to help, this did not help, she was still miserable and hostile. Fast forward to today, she seemed more settled recently and happier, we have been getting on like we used to but last night she said she wants more time with her dad. She made a plan of 6 nights one week, 4 the next. I am devastated, I don’t know where I have gone wrong. I thought we were turning a new leaf and was very shocked by this. She just said she likes her dads more. He can be very laid back and let her get away with anything to be honest, and his partner is great with my daughter however she’s been having a strong influence on my daughter with pushing heavy make up at age 11, music/rock bands she listened to. I haven’t said a word and tell my daughter she looks good as I’m afraid that will push her away more. My question is, at what age can a child decide what time they want with each parent? She is making our home very miserable again and I feel like I’m holding her hostage, I also have a baby due in 9 weeks and I don’t want them in this environment. I’m going to seek advice from a solicitor. Also I did say to my daughter I would be up for extra nights here and there with her dad but I’m not making a permanent change, I just want our close relationship back and have tried everything.

OP I think there is a very unfortunate typo above… “baby due?” If that’s correct I imagine your DD will continue to be unsettled and that’s as much the cause as the move. Sorry no helpful advice to offer.

I think the fact you’re pregnant should have been the first thing you mentioned in your OP. I don’t think an 11 can make choices, from her POV you’ve moved her away from her dad (with whom it sounds she has a good relationship) to move in with the man who will be her siblings father (I appreciate you’ve moved back now). This is massive! She’ll be feeling so unsure about her place in the world. I don’t think it would be bad for her to be with her dad if he can prioritise her needs tbh. At the moment it doesn’t sound like you can give her the time, particularly if you’re about to have a newborn. I appreciate this must be really hard.

I don’t know where I have gone wrong.

This does sound very upsetting OP, but really? She has had so much upheaval and moving, in pursuit of you moving in with your DP. How was that ever going to work? 20 miles each way to school, away from her friends, so much driving about, 3 different houses in 5 months.

And an 11 year old has no idea how they will feel in the face of change and different practicalities

She may be choosing not to talk about how she felt living with your DP. Maybe she gets on better with her Dad’s DP than yours. A lot of adults in her life to deal with.

So… she hasn’t said she doesn’t want to be with you at all, she has just reduced the days?

Which reduces the constant upheaval for her.

It must hurt, of course, but I think you have no choice but to support her and see how it goes.

This is what happens when you ignore your child being "miserable" and foist a new family on them. Let her go and god I hope her father is willing to put her before his love life.

Bloody hell OP, I missed the ‘baby due’ bit.

Can you really not see why she does not feel prioritised by you?

She is at such a tricky age when they feel more grown up but still want the security of bring treated like Mummy’s child. It’s a big thing to see her Mum and a man ‘not/her/dad’ having a baby together. She won’t be the youngest, the baby will take your attention, the baby will live with both its parents while she schlepps between the two.

And she’s not wrong! Your concern is for the baby and the ‘environment’ .

Instead of packing your kid off to counselling to try and get her to feel how you want her to feel, I suggest you go for counselling / parenting / child development coaching to develop some empathy and understanding.

Keep in mind: she is still proposing time with you. Appreciate that. Going to a solicitor and fighting her Dad in court will make everything much worse.

It's hard to do but please listen to your daughter - she is telling you that she likes staying at her Dad's house more - and is asking that her preferences be accommodated in her life. Her reality is that she has two homes - it may be that Dad's feels more secure at the moment to her given the house moves and family changes happening at yours.

Perhaps ask yourself why you feel you can decide to make permanent changes in your daughters life but she and her Dad cannot.

More than anything recognise that being your daughters Mum is a lifelong commitment - listening to her and supporting her now will go so far to securing a solid relationship between you in the longer term, even if you don't share music or fashion interests!

I think given that you are likely to be very preoccupied with your newborn soon I'd let your DD do this. When a new baby comes along I think it's very normal for the older child's dad to take over more things.

She isn't going NC and you will still see her regularly.

12 is when a judge would accept her decision. But considering she is 11, Dad is decent and she has come up with a plan of when she wants to stay at yours then I can’t see why they wouldn’t listen to her now.

So I under a year you moved your daughter twice, blended families and are expecting a new baby? And you wonder why she's upset and angry at you?

You are the source of upheaval, dad is the constant. Where nothing changes. He won't be helping as he was mad about the move (understandably). He may be in her ear about how much upheaval new sibling will be. But kids that age crave consistency and he's given her that when you aren't.

A judge would allow a 11/12 year old to choose - even 0% contact with you.

Yabu to take her “permission” as gospel. As you said, she can’t really give informed consent at her age. You were lucky that your ex didn’t go to court and prevent you from moving 20 miles away or have the order amended so you did all travel.

You are going to have a baby soon which could have made her feelings of insecurity and unhappiness worse as you’ll be preoccupied and your partner will be around more. Hopefully more time with dad will help her feel more grounded.

It’s possible that her fluctuating mood is puberty related and being with dad more will make her realise that life with you isn’t so bad as she thought.