Friendship triangle at kindergarten

[Bumper987]

Hey mums, looking for some words of support/advice.
We live in Italy, my son turns five this week, goes to kindergarten, has a best friend (let’s call her V), played mostly exclusively with all year, a few months ago another boy (let’s call him D) joined the mix, I’ve been sensing my son had been a bit off but he never said much about it. D has been off kindergarten for three weeks and I feel my son was doing better. Yesterday he returned and my son came out saying both V and D said they weren’t his friend the whole day.
Extra info - we see V a lot outside the kindergarten and we saw her at the park that afternoon, kids played together no problems (though I did notice she was more the leader).
My concern - when I asked him how he felt at kindergarten and if he told anyone, the teacher apparently responded by just saying well you’ll have to play with someone else then. I’ve been going over the positives of this approach in my head, but I still keep thinking she should have intervened, she should have helped my child understand why he was being excluded and should have encouraged them to resolve the problem and be inclusive - am I being unreasonable? I am worried about how this will play out if there isn’t more teacher support. Also, should I be discouraging this friendship (with V) and encouraging friendships with more „inclusive“ kids, or is this normal behaviour for this age?
thanks!!

It is normal. For all you know prior to this your ds and v may have been excluding other children.

I think encourage him to play with other people and practice how you approach other to engage in play.

keep an eye but let this play out naturally, it’s a new dynamic and they’re going to have to figure it out. If it gets unkind or he is struggling then talk to the teacher again.

but first I would focus on giving your son skills talking to others and inviting play.

I don’t expect everyone to agree with me.

I don’t expect that little Jimmy must play with little Tommy. That’s not what I wrote.

But yes, I do expect kindness from adults, on the internet or elsewhere.

Then, respectfully, I suggest you toughen up, and equip your child with the resilience to deal with the fact that not everyone will treat him with unmixed kindness throughout his life. I agree with @MatildaMovesMountains and @beAsensible1.

Nobody has been unkind.

Yes, I’m working on it. In my defence I am post partum!

Being called “utterly exhausting and extremely demanding” and being told “to be an adult and not be so precious” is kind?

Googling this minor incident and talking about stepping back from the friendship outside f kindergarten is an overreaction yes. Although the parents of V may be thinking the same thing.

It is normal for friends to make new friendships. It is normal for adults to say ‘find someone else to play with’. I would only get involved with finding someone else for him to play with if he was crying. (I’ve taught this age group for twenty years).

It is not normal for children to have one particular friend at four and to keep that friendship exclusive.

As a parent I would be encouraging my child to expand their friendship circle. Encourage them to make other friends keeping their options open.

as an early years worker I’d be doing the same, we encourage the children to play nicely together and if that can’t happen then we encourage them to play with other children. We do not have enough time to deal with friendship squabbles in 3 and 4 year olds, there are plenty of other children to play with. 3 is an odd number and friendships of 3 never work as someone is always left out. Your children friendship with V outside of nursery doesn’t mean other children can’t join the friendship circle at nursery,

managing friendships is all part and parcel of growing up.

has a best friend (let’s call her V), played mostly exclusively with all year,

And

that kids such be encouraged to be inclusive rather than exclusive. @Bumper987

Can you see these two things are in contradiction?

but I still keep thinking she should have intervened, she should have helped my child understand why he was being excluded and should have encouraged them to resolve the problem and be inclusive -

This is your job.
You've not done anything to encourage your ds to have more friends all year and now are blaming the teacher?

So to answer your question, yes encourage your child to have more than one friend. Arrange play dates, and facilitate a variety of experiences, teach him to be open minded towards other people and not judgemental, find out why he is struggling with making friends and help him to have confidence and resilience.

You ARE being a bit exhausting though, on both your threads. You've been given lots of good advice on here, but you seem determined to school and berate a group of total strangers. Perhaps log off Mumsnet for a while and do something nice in real life?

Maybe this site isn't the ideal place for you right now? I mean that kindly; you have a brand new baby and are bound to be feeling tired and emotional. And you live in Italy - I bet it's amazing there right now! #jealous