Worried DD’s friend is undermining her confidence

[needadvice7774]

DD5 is in year 1. She has a smallish group of friends in the class, but there’s one girl in particular who she regards as her best friend. However, this girl makes hurtful comments to my DD on quite a regular basis. For example, saying she doesn’t like my DD’s new haircut, or a drawing DD made for her, or that she’s bad at dancing (they do a ballet class together). Other times she’s fine to my daughter and they get on well. But I can tell DD is upset and feels hurt when she makes these comments. It took her quite a while to settle into school and I worry this could undermine the precious confidence she has developed.

I grew up with very little emotional guidance and am now struggling to guide my own DD in terms of how to respond when her friend says hurtful things. It’s hard when she’s nice sometimes but not at other times.

I want to equip DD with the right skills to deal with this and not let it bring her down. But I don’t know how or what to say. Does anyone more emotionally literate have any advice, or could anyone recommend some books that help with this sort of thing?

Thanks for reading.

I'd let DD know that friends don't say unkind things to each other. I'd encourage her to play with other people and to tell her friend she isn't being very nice. My 3yo is having a similar issue with someone physically hurting, I've said to tell them that they don't like that and to go and play elsewhere. I feel your hurt and frustration

Thank you for responding. I’ve just been trying to sweep it under the carpet until now I think, but you’re right, maybe it’s better to actively say to DD that her friend’s behaviour is not kind. Could you also argue that the friend is simply being honest? Or should we encourage our kids to behave along the lines of “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all”?

I feel so useless.

The other tactic I’ve used is that (with the dancing thing for example) I’ve said to DD how well her teacher thinks she’s doing. And tried to encourage her that way.

I see what you mean, you're right in some ways that they might not be being deliberately mean (although I doubt it). Maybe it's more about boosting DD to say it doesn't matter what other people think eg in regards to the haircut as long as she's happy. Because people will always say unkind things. Sorry I don't have much advice to give

DD (nearly 4) was given a book that deals with it quite well. The book is not in English so I'll try and give you the gist but obviously you'd need to adapt so it doesn't feel too weird 😅
Everyone has an invisible backpack in their heads which gets filled with words. (Just becayse words are invisible, doesn't mean they dont have a lot of power erc etc) When the words are kind and happy, our bags get filled with bubbles and we feel good and light (discuss which nice words these would be). When the words are nasty and mean our bags get filled with rocks (discuss which nasty words these could be) and we feel bad and sad. What should we do when someone starts trying to put rocks in our bag? 1) stop listening or 2) turn away and leave the situation. Don't play with someone who uses always mean words to you. And 3) most importantly if someone tries to put rocks in our bags how do we get the rocks out again? By telling someone that we can trust (discuss who this would be, for example parent, favourite teacher, and not a "best friend" who is being mean herself!) As we talk about the nasty words and how they made us feel, the rocks come out and we can feel better again. And try and spend more time with people who provide bubbles rather than rocks.

I realise written out like this that might sound mad. But maybe you could adapt some of it to get DD talking to you about how she feels, get her to identify the mean words and keep her telling you about them so she doesn't feel alone. And of course you can add in that friends should give each other bubbles, not rocks etc...

Edited to add: I'm like you OP, parents left me to it... what I consider a priority myself is keeping DD talking to me about things like this and telling me if someone said something mean. Because personally I eventually retreated into shame and kept everything to myself. So I like the book because of the emphasis on sharing with a trusted person and not keeping the "rocks" to yourself like I did

I think the pp is correct.

Your DD will be exposed to people her whole life who are rude, unkind and unfriendly. Unfortunately that is the reality of life. I think we need to normalise these issues and model to our DCs that an unkind comment is hugely unimportant to us.

For me, I think making much less of a deal about it is better than making an issue of it.

Friend said my dancing is rubbish.
Oh what does she know, your pirouette was amazing today! Do you want beans or peas with your fish.

Friend said my hair is awful.
Well I think you are gorgeous! Big hugs and kisses. Let’s get your colouring out shall we?

Violence and excessive bullying would need to flagged to teacher etc but just don’t give this kid the headspace. Positive affirmations with your DD may also help her and you.

Thanks for the advice! @Igotbluetoothinmybra that is a great analogy. I also did this: “I eventually retreated into shame and kept everything to myself” and it caused me a lot of issues in later life. DD seems happy to tell me things that are bothering her and I want to keep it that way.

@Wishboneswishes not making a big issue of it also sounds sensible, thank you.

Perhaps your dd needs to learn that she doesn't have to be friends with people who say or do things that aren't very nice.

The problem is she likes this girl because most of time they get on well. That’s what makes it complicated, to me at least.

I don’t suppose anyone has any book recommendations about this?