After prom Nfi

[Ginfa]

just Looking for some advice how to deal with a situation with my son who is currently doing his GCSEs. He is upset because there is an after party after prom which the large majority of his year have been invited to and he hasn’t. Apparently a coach is collecting them from the prom and he is mortified and now says he does not want to go at all. I don’t know whether I should just go along witb this or he will regret not going in the future and try to do something for his smaller group of friends after. I do feel upset for him but I guess it’s part of growing up I don’t want to understate his upset but equally I appreciate in a few months hopefully it will fade. He is not staying at the same school for sixth forM and I would say he is a bit of a misfit but he thinks the point of the after prom is that everyone is invited (it’s quite a small school) and thinks it’s bad form!

That's awful. Is the coach school staff?

Not as far as I know but I think the school must know. I habe been asked by my son not to mention it to them to avoid sour grapes but I think it’s unappropriate

Are his smaller groups of friends also not invited? And is the after party linked to a particular sport or something? Just trying to work out what might be possible.

Some of his smaller group of friends not invited maybe half? But he is upset as some of the boys not usually invited to the bigger parties have been: there also seems to be an amount of disinviting and then reinviting going on - seems a bit of a power play. I am not sure how many are going but if a coach is taking them
must be the majority

Ah, I was thinking you meant a sports coach or similar, ie a person. My misunderstanding. So it's a group of pupils organising this, booked the coach, booked a venue? Presumably helped by parents.

I think you could talk to the school about how this will be handled, ie when a coach arrives on their property to take the majority away to an after party, leaving a minority of students behind.

Exclusion of a minority like this must go against school policies, eg exclusion can be a form of bullying.

But if it's been organised without any involvement from the school it's possibly a grey area, but it's not unreasonable for them to address the situation with you. I would hope they would want to avoid the end of school being tainted like this for a small group of pupils.

Alternatively, could his friends adopt a screw them approach and book something they'd enjoy, entirely separately. Dinner and an escape room or whatever they're into? Definitely don't want these kids all sat in their bedrooms feeing left out on prom night.

I don’t think the school could or should step in to force whoever’s organised this to invite everyone. Presumably they’re inviting as many as they can fit/feel they can handle.

I second that instead of feeling outraged on his behalf you're better off trying to organise something really fun for him and the other “excluded kids”, I did this as a student once and we had so much fun the others who’d gone to the main thing ended up jealous.

No one is suggesting the school attempt to force anything, @WitcheryDivine, but I think it's reasonable to ask them how they are going to handle the situation. OP has said that there is an element of power games, inviting and disinviting. It's not as simple as just capacity. Kids of this age can be cruel.

I've never heard of after parties being so organised as to have a coach. I think that undermines the school's own organisation and I'd be unhappy about that if I was the school governing team

ahhh, that is really crap - our school’s after proms always work on an ‘all invited’ premise. My eldest didn’t bother with theirs though - didn’t fancy watching the numbskulls get drunk & puke. They also mentioned that about 12 from their year group didn’t bother to go to prom at all as it wasn’t their thing…can’t imagine any of them regret it desperately! Do however know a friend’s daughter who wishes she hadn’t bothered. If he’s not keen to go don’t make him, unless you can organise for him & his mates to do something fun beforehand and go together not caring about the afterprom bull💩

But some poor sod is hosting the after party and there has to be a limit on numbers. Have you considered hosting it?!

We are hosting one - it is going to huge because dd doesn’t want anyone feeling left out (like your son is) but logistically there has to be a limit on numbers.

I don't think he'd miss much by not going. They aren't all they're cracked up to be. And there'll be plenty of other opportunities in sixth form for this sort of thing.

Could he not ask a couple of others if they want to come over afterwards?

It's a real pain they do this in the middle of GCSEs.

I do feel sorry for your son OP and I’d hate it too, but it is a good time for him to learn that he needs to make his own social opportunities too. He’s 16 - many boys are slow to learn this and rely on women especially to organise everything!

This. I don't understand why people come on and complain about exclusion/nfi/all or none..... when they've done bugger all to organise anything!

I don’t like the thought of the coach arriving that seems to be what he is worried about. It’s in a field I personally think it is a power play by the child who is “in control” I habe always been very inclusive myself so my son is even more outraged he assumed the point of the after party was to invite everyone! It’s sad but I think he will end up not going at all as he does not want to spend the whole evening with everyone talking about it. I will be concentrating on exam prep and maybe parking it for another time to consider. I just feel so sorry for him.

also we would host somethign and have offered but it’s tricky when nearly everyone he wants to invite is going to this other one!

It’s tough for your son, but as you approach adulthood this type of thing happens. Parties go from being the whole class being invited to just the friends of the organiser being invited. The idea that the entire class must be invited is quite juvenile, that’s something I’d expect to do for my 6 year old.

I’d be telling him that there’s no need to be anxious/upset about the coach arriving, it’s just their transport home. I’d be saying to him that he can invite his friends (whether they’re going or not, rejection is a part of life) to a small party at your place after.

It’s understandable that he’s upset by not being invited, but you need to teach him to take it in his stride, not throw the baby out with the bathwater so to speak

It's a nightmare round here the after-prom party. There are approx 300 in DDs year so having everyone is impossible. Last year it was at a house out of town and hundreds of them turned up and couldn't get home after so my friend (nicer than me) did a few journeys and drove loads of them at 3am.

She described swathes of pissed up teenagers in the middle of the country roads.

It's tough OP not to be invited and the inviting and un-inviting is fairly standard too I think as people fall out etc. If he can get a group together to do something themselves that would be great but its hard to compete with a massive party!

If the coach arriving is a particular worry, OP, that is on school property and so really could be raised with them. I appreciate he'd prefer you not to, but I think 16 is still young enough to discuss it with the school and see what their approach is. It is something that should concern them.

As for childish - RTFT, @mummytoonetryingfortwo. It's a small school and only a small group have not been invited.

I’ve read the thread. It’s still an issue that will come up in adult life. Not everyone will be invited to every party, and how OP teaches her son to react is key.

As a coach has been organised by a group of them I imagine there are limited numbers as to seats. As it's secondary school friendhip groups are very defined and definitely not a 'everyone invited' deal.
Your question on whether you should try and get him to go -I'd let him decide and stay out of it. My DD16 has decided not to go as she doesn't like that sort of thing .She has good friends etc but not into the dressing up, photos, dancing and doesn't drink- her friends will be drinking.
If your son has decided not to go as he has not been invited to a party but has friends also not invited I'd probably advise him to organise something with them after prom ,but that ultimately it's his decision if he chooses to miss his prom because of this.
I don't think the other group have done anything wrong though and that's from a parent of a child who doesn't get invites to the 'popular' stuff

This sounds like a new kind of one-upness that when my kids were that age, used to be demonstrated by arriving at prom in a helicopter! Yes, the following year the instruction went out that arrivals must be in a vehicle and although someone managed to get a fire engine, most of them were tractors and vintage cars

After prom is a big deal these days but I wouldn't expect everyone to be invited (that's not how it works at my DC's school anyway). I would host a small party at yours OP and let your DS invite his friends and anyone else who's not going to the other party.

My daughter year did something similar…the school made aware. Some person had hired a large Airbnb and was charging £15 a ticket. It got highly silly as you say with who was invited but also concerning as it seemed no one really knew who else was invited outside of the school especially with a group of 16 year olds!

Eventually either a parent or school got involved and made Airbnb aware of what was going to happen - the ‘event’ got cancelled. They within their own groups went to a few after prom - all very gentle! My daughter arrived home at 5am (she had been home and got changed!) I knew where she was.

It’s tough for your son, but as you approach adulthood this type of thing happens. Parties go from being the whole class being invited to just the friends of the organiser being invited. The idea that the entire class must be invited is quite juvenile, that’s something I’d expect to do for my 6 year old.

Parties stopped being all class about a decade ago, but at six and at 16, it's bad form to exclude just a few, @mummytoonetryingfortwo.

I’d be telling him that there’s no need to be anxious/upset about the coach arriving, it’s just their transport home

Now that is the sort of thing you might (misguidedly) tell a six year old. It's not just their transport home, it's their transport to a party. And how he responds to that is not helped by having how he feels dismissed.

Bad form? Perhaps, but as you reach adulthood, you’re not obliged to be friends with someone just because you have happened to go through education together. It’s like suggesting if I wanted to meet with a few work colleagues I had to invite the entire office.

It’s not dismissing how he feels, it’s ensuring he learns to deal with this type of thing like an adult. What if he goes to university and the people in his halls go clubbing without him? Is he going to complain to his mum so she can go to the university dean?