Think I maybe at breaking point.

[PippityChippity]

This is long. Think I just need to write it all down, not really sure what I’m hoping for here aside from maybe some objective advice. I’ve got 2 children - 3 year old DS and 1 year old DD. I work 30 hours a week in a full on Civil Service management position, my husband works in a similar role, where he works on a 1 week in every 4 duty where he could travel. 1 week he is on standby so could also still travel. DS is a nightmare, albeit a normal 3 year old; Doesn’t listen, pushes my buttons (Frustratingly not my husbands so much), very whingy and demanding and full of back chat at the moment. Incapable of sharing and very strong willed which doesn’t make life easy. DD is a much easier child, much more placid. Both go to a childminder 4x days a week while husband and me work. I have them on the other day.

I’m struggling hugely with the load of it all; My job is very demanding and stressful with a degree of uncertainty, I don’t know if I’m coming or going 2 weeks out of every 4 with my husbands work which is a massive source of anxiety for me (Will he be here? Won’t he be here? How will I explain his absence to DS if he goes suddenly? How will DS cope as he doesn’t cope with change from routine well? DD doesn’t give two hoots thankfully), coupled with the stress of a 3 and 1 year old, particularly DS who is very challenging. Bedtimes are a total nightmare, it can take 3-4 hours to get them both in bed and asleep if you have a solo bedtime with them both as they play up so much and it’s not much better when DH and me are together. We have zero family support, DH parents are in their late 70s and although they live close (30 mins away), they don’t ever offer to have the kids and when they do have them, they struggle so we don’t like to ask.

DH is great with the kids, super hands on but is terrible with the mental load, tidying up after the kids, housework etc. We have a cleaner once a fortnight but the house obviously needs attention between cleans which falls to me. We can’t really afford a weekly clean.

I feel I’m at breaking point; I’m getting cross at my kids, particularly DS who I suspect maybe neurodiverse in some way and it’s not fair. I feel like a terrible Mum and they deserve better but I don’t know what to do. What do I take from the plate? How do I get better at accepting it all if this is genuinely how life is? Any ideas?

I should also add that DH is a great husband and we are really happy together as a couple as well - Attentive, caring and supportive but he hasn’t been overly helpful with this situation aside from saying that he’ll obviously support me finding a new job etc.

Sounds to me like your job is the main problem to be honest. It's causing you so much stress you're taking that out on your children. Is there anything you can change work wise?

Also I think you need to do some research on how to improve bed times because they absolutely shouldn't be taking 3-4 hours. I've seen some great advice on here in the past so it could be worth doing a post dedicated to improving that? Even fixing bed times alone would make a huge difference to your life.

Can DH change his job to one where he doesn't travel?

I'd look at finances to see if you can afford for the cleaner to come more regularly or an extra day at the childminders. Are you claiming everything you can and using all your free childcare allowance etc?

Sit down with DH, explain the mental load, share it out equally and each make sure you're covering your share.

Sort out bedtime. Maybe do a separate post for advice on this. There is no way it should be taking longer than an hour.

This is DHs dream job so it’s a hard one to ask him to change although he would if push came to shove. He works in an industry where travel is just part of it. Finances are a tough one; I had severe PND with our first and ended up wracking up a significant amount of debt through shopping as a form of “Coping” so we are still paying that off. Yes I know it’s ridiculous but we are where we are, I know it’s bad, I don’t need to be told any further when I live daily with the stress and humiliation of it inside. Husband earns over £100k (Literally just over the threshold…) so not eligible for any child benefit/tax free childcare. Having the cleaner more regularly will be easier once debts are gone as we are plugging everything into them atm.

Bedtime IS better when it’s done as a pair, but still takes 1-2 hours so definitely needs work. It’s the thing I dread most about DH being away.

I agree with pp entirely, focus on improving bedtime, then you will have more in the tank for dealing with behaviour and life in general.

Might sound mad now, but if your husband is away 50% of the time (potentially) you need to build your routine as if he doesn't exist - it will be hard at first, but should make things easier in the long run because you will be in control and not at the mercy of your husband's job. When your DH is there he can tag in on the routine, but it shouldn't upset the apple cart either way.

I have children the same age as you, and a very busy and unpredictable husband!! 🤪

1 and 3 are HARD ages. So hard. Give yourself some grace. Take it one day at a time. I don't think work is your problem as being home with 2 toddlers would most likely be worse.

When DH is there, do you get a break? My mum used to make my dad leave the house with me every Sunday for 4 hours. Without fail, no negotiation. She needed the break. And it helped build a wonderful relationship between me and dad. When I was a baby he would take me to a restaurant or pub. When I was older, we started going to the cinema. We still did this until I was around 9 😀

Deep breath, firstly you are doing well. Having young kids, a career and worry about debt is very hard and stressful.

But if you feel that something has to give, look at all the options.

Change jobs and earn less?
Can DC do an extra day or 1/2 at the child minder to give you some breathing space?
Could you reduce the monthly debit repayments?
Check your outgoings and where you could save money.

I think I it would be advisable to get your health visitor (if you have one) to talk things through with bedtime. Choose a strategy and stick to it! If need be, sacrifice some AL for it!.
Do you get enough sleep? Are you eating half decent food? These can have an impact on your mood and stress levels.