What can you reasonably expect from (mentally unwell) teenagers?

[Tulipjulip]

My 15 year old daughter has had very poor mental health characterised by anxiety and depression. It's been worse since Christmas and she's been self-injurious. She's under the care of CAMHS and has been supported by school. She has some lovely friends, and does a lot of extra curricular activities. We (she too) suspect underlying ASD.

Her unhappiness manifests as extreme hostility towards me and her siblings/DP, and an apparent inability to do anything other than the sports and socialising that she enjoys. She speaks to me rarely - despite telling her CAMHS counsellor that being withdrawn and hostile is a sign she is feeling bad - and contributes literally nothing to the house - despite going on long walks she never takes the dogs, gets the washing in, puts a plate in the dishwasher, etc.

After another evening of speaking through a closed door while being shouted at for making it all about me, I am left wondering whether I just need to let her have her way under the assumption that once she feels better she'll be nicer to live with, or whether to insist on basic rules of civility..? Or something else...?!

If she’s able to play sport and socialise with friends then MH wise she’s more than capable of doing the bare minimum in terms of chores and being civil at home. She’s taking advantage of you (and the MH card!) OP.

i had a teen with ASD and adhd. She was not pleasant to live with.

dividing up the chores so she did her own chores helped.

so she was responsible for her own washing, etc.

if she is genuinely self harming I’d cut her some slack, that’s indicative that she is really not coping.

it is difficult but it sounds as though she needs tighter boundaries and stricter parenting. She’s taking advantage of her illness - her mental illness is not an excuse for bad behaviour.

These things are so complex. My DD had extreme MH issues at 13/14 and was horrible to live with. However no one outside the home could really tell. I doubt many believed me when I told them.
All her emotional energy went into her external activities (school, sport, socials). Keeping up a facade was exhausting for her, she was probably masking her (undiagnosed) autism as well. She had nothing left to give at home for us. And yes we had hostility, laziness, rudenss, anitsocialness etc .
I believe she could only be such a way with us becasue she wanted to be able to trust us absolutely. She pushed and pushed 'hoping' that eventually we would reject her, thus proving her own lack of worth. And validating that voice in her head saying 'you are worthless'.
I had to show her loads of love. Over and over again. In the face of extreme hostility and scorn. I had to keep showing and saying 'I love you whatever you do to me' until eventually she believed she was worthy of it and started to come around.
It was hell.
But also I do and did love her that way.
I severely doubt she was using her mental illness to 'take advantage'.... that's not really how it works in my experience.
My DD is nearly 18 now. And a joy. Although still lazy tbh!!!

I would start focusing on what she need to regulate, heavy work, not too much socialising, adjustments in school and then when she is more regulated focus what happens at hone.

It isn't either or. You can be empathetic and kind to her and support her in accessing help and support and also can call out rude and unkind behaviour from her. Being mentally unwell isn't a free pass to be abusive to others.

What to expect?

Not to be bullies, not to be demanding, not to expect the world to revolve around them?
Not to expect to be pandered to. To acknowledge that other people are as important as they are?
To expect that their parents care as much about their siblings as them.
That while they mau have mh difficulties, that's not a pass for awful behaviour.

Exactly.

It sounds as if she is in autistic burnout. The Autistic Girls Network Facebook group has been invaluable in understanding our daughter. You may also find Dr Naomi Fisher useful.

I have struggled with my mental health since being about 8 but it got particularly bad between 14 and 18.
Due to family circumstances - my parents working crazy hours and my mum having health issues a lot of running the house fell on me - making packed lunches, starting dinner, doing the washing up. During school holidays doing the washing and ironing we well as cleaning and hoovering.
It was a blessing to go to university and only having myself to look after!
I definitely think there is a balance to be had. I think small regular chores can be a benefit it's about fitting them around the time for self care and managing school and mental health. I think something like helping clear up after the evening meal can be good as there's been that time after school to start to reset, you could help alongside and it's a time limited chore. It could be built on too say starting with clearing the table and giving it a wipe down.