Toddler rejecting me - help please!

[Freddo1234]

i have a 24 month old and a 2 month old.

my 2 year old has started actively rejecting me, pushing me away, saying no no no when I go near him etc and will run to his dad. When it’s just me and him he’ll just about tolerate me, but whenever his dad is around (or even his grandparents) he just doesn’t want me. DH went to play football the other day and my son spent the whole time crying by the door for his dad to come back, and I couldn’t get him to be happy with me.

it breaks my heart each time he pushes me away and I’m really struggling to know how to deal with it. I feel like a failure of a mother. I had PND and in the early months with him I just felt like I wasn't meant to be a mother. I thought I got over that but this is now just reinforcing a lot of negative thoughts I had in the early months.

for context, this isn’t particularly new behaviour. DS has always preferred his dad to me. He’ll get super excited to see his dad and run happily to him, or get really upset when his dad goes. He’s never shown that strength of feeling for me, even when things were better between us. He’d be happy with me, but just not as happy as with his dad.

things have got so bad that I now just don’t spend time with my toddler, and instead just focus on my 2 month old. DH gets toddler up, gives him breakfast, takes him to the childminder, plays with him when he gets back from childminder, and does bath and bedtime. Whenever I’ve tried to take part in these activities recently DS either actively pushes me away or runs away from me, or I just end up feeling like a third wheel while he ignores me. I know I shouldn’t, but in those moments it gets too painful for me to feel like a third wheel with my own son, so I just end up leaving.

my 2 month old is exclusively formula fed so the load can be shared with DH, but it just isn’t right now because my toddler just cries if his dad isn’t available.

i really need some advice on what to do. It feels like I need a reset on my relationship with toddler, I don’t think this will just magically get better and it’s getting me so down. I almost feel like I’m returning to a PND state. My toddler will be home with me for 2 days a week starting next week and tbh I’m dreading it. I almost don’t know how to be around him anymore. He has 2 sets of grandparents who are willing to look after him on those days. While its tempting to ask them to take him I don’t think that will help matters, but I also just don’t know how to spend time with my toddler when he doesn’t want me.

i know I’m probably dealing with the situation all wrong, but if anyone has been through something similar any advice would be great

This is really difficult to go through and as much as people say things like ‘you’re his safe space’ and ‘try to build in time for just you two’ it kind of misses the point that firstly you’re allowed to have your own feelings about it and also that it just isn’t always possible to have time just you two, especially in the day if you’re on maternity leave and DH is working.

I found this stage very hard with DS, it is better now he’s four but I still feel DDs relationship upset ours in a way that it’s never fully recovered from. I do feel DH and I have a child each which is a shame in a way but possibly normal, I don’t know.

Thanks for sharing this, and I’m sorry you’ve gone through it and found it hard too. It’s sad to hear that you feel like you and your husband have a child each, but I appreciate the honesty. Maybe it’s just something I need to come to terms with. There’s part of me that is also dreading the same thing happening when my 2 month old gets bigger as well.

luckily I am fortunate enough to have family close by who can look after my 2 month old, so I can carve out time for just me and my toddler. But I’m just not sure 2 or 3 hours in a soft play once a week is going to fix this. I think I need to find a way back into the everyday bits of life with toddler, but I’m just not sure how when his dad is around for all those bits and so he won’t want me

You've admitted that you are actively avoiding him now and just focusing on your 2 month old. He's going to pick up on that and that's not going to help matters. I'm not being unkind because I can't imagine how heart breaking it must be. Are you ever alone with toddler without the baby?

no I think you’re right. I just need to find a way to push my emotions about this to one side and deal with the rejection head on instead of avoiding him.

recently I haven’t been alone with toddler without baby. Toddler gets upset when dad holds baby, so we have got into a habit of me always having baby when toddler is around. I could probably carve out a few hours a week to do an activity with just toddler, and if it was just me and him I think it might be ok. But even if I did a regular activity each week just me and him, whenever his dad is around he’ll still reject me and go to his dad. I just don’t know how to fix that. And if it can’t be fixed then I don’t know how to be around him when he’s with his dad and rejecting me/ignoring me.

like should we force 1:1 time so I do bedtime every day instead of dad, even if toddler has a tantrum about it? Or should I just sit quietly in the room while dad is with him? Or should I just not be there at all until this phase passes?

Had this exact same experience with my toddler when I had DC2, he was only 18mo.

The baby happened to sleep later than the toddler, so every morning we would spend 20-30 mins either just reading or doing a bit of crafting together. DH leaves before 6am so it was just me and the kids at home.

He always preferred his Dad anyway, and I had PND with him and it brought back all the feelings of how maybe I had failed him when he was a baby and I was so worried he thought I didn't love him.

Anyway, the morning reading/craft time made a massive, massive difference over about 6-8 weeks. Then the baby started waking up at the same time and we all read together.

And now, I think he prefers me 😂

I don’t think avoiding him is the answer. This must be really really hard but I think you’ve got to rememberer babies and toddlers are quite stupid really. He’s not sat down and decided that you’re not his kind of person, he’s just a ball of needs and feelings who currently has the idea that his dad is his main parent.

I can completely relate with how you’re feeling. Just a bit of background. I went through IVF to have my little boy who is now 5 and he was born very premature (28 weeks) at the start of lockdown. I exclusively breast fed him also.

He has always on some level rejected me for his dad, from weening through to play. We have a lovely bond and he enjoys being around me but would much prefer everything that I do with him to be his dad. When they are together I hear remarks like mummy’s bossy, mean and shouts at me all the time. He waits at the door/window for him to finish work and will drop any of our activities as soon as he’s around. I spiralled into a slight depression with it as I felt like a complete failure and the hurt never gets easier.

I just decided that he’s his own little person and that he needs only me for certain things just not the fun stuff. I’m resigned to be second best.

however after having my eldest (18) I know how quickly things can change and how they will mature. One day he will see that I was always there in the background providing all the stability, love and magical moments that he remembers. I also think wine helps! 😂

Aw OP I went through something similar. I went back to work full time when DD was 9 months old and ex DP took the last three months off as shared parental leave. She went through a phase of massively preferring her dad when both of us were there. She even called us both “dadda” 🙄🤣It was very hurtful but I tried to just carry on. She eventually came out of it, can’t remember when and is now very attached/a bit clingy to both of us. I have an older DS who I raised on my own and he loved being with me but was always happy to trot off to nursery/school/lots of clubs/various relatives. I’ve often worked full time so he spent a lot of time in childcare and I had a lot of family help. Never missed me or cried for me once! 🤣

Sorry to jump on your reply to someone else, but it sounds like your husband is around a lot and you do a lot of divide and conquer? He might need to take a step back.

My best advice honestly is to have both of them the majority of the time, it's hard at first but your confidence will grow and the kids will feel it.

Sorry if I've presumed wrong!

My eldest was like this with her dad. In the end he would take her out for 1:1 time. That helped build the relationship. Then he started doing the bedtime routine for her while I went out. I actually used to go and sit in the car. The first few days were hard for both of them but it got easier. It's definitely easier when the other person is out. You need to have fun 1:1 time with him and build the relationship. Also, know that the preferred parent actually changes and has phases.