How long do you do the soft baby voice for?

[KeenBlueSnail]

I've got a mum friend who is really good at doing the soft voice at all times to her toddler.

I'm the shouty mum. Mostly I will observe and allow baby to explore but if he's doing something dangerous than I get into the shouty mum with "no no no".

I wish I could be the calm voice but toddler is 18 months and I just don't think they truly understand yet

I just talk to mine normally, but your question seems to be more about 'how do you stay calm' rather than just using a soft voice? Maybe you can clarify.

I have noticed that a friend uses a soft voice all the time. It's never a direct "get over here" or "we are going now" it's soft every thing like "{name} shall we sit over here" "{name} don't you want to come over here" and if they child interrupts by showing a flower or not following the lead and thinking about stuff, she will just let the toddler come whenever they choose and wait around.

Toddler is nearly 3.

With my 18 month old I'm just telling him to come this way and will lead with his hand or whatever.

I guess I worry when he's older I wont be patient or calm

I don’t really do a gentle voice, just my normal voice, but I also don’t shout generally, pretty much never when DC were so young. So this seems to be more of a parenting approach than just a voice thing?

Sounds like she phrases instructions like a question ( I did this so it felt like my toddler had a choice )

Yeah I'm not sure how much of a choice you can give a toddler when you have three lids and two adults from two households lol

Hmm I think middle ground is probably what most people aim for? I will generally let DC have latitude to decide what they do when it’s a safe space and we have the time, so if they find a flower on the way to somewhere and we have time then we’ll stop and look at it, I won’t just say no and march them onwards, and I’m pretty laid back. It’s also nice to give children choices where you can IMO as so much stuff is out of their control so I think it is important to be respectful and appreciate that they are people and deserve to be heard and listened to, even if in the end you don’t want to or can’t do what they want.

Indon’t think there are many occasions you need to actually shout at an 18mo outside of isolated danger situations where you just need them to stop. There’s loads of good books about strategies for talking to little kids if you were worried about being ‘shouty mum’.

She sounds like she's brewing a nightmare tbh.

For example I don’t think I would ever say ‘Get over here’ as that just doesn’t feel like a nice way to speak to anyone, adults or children? I would say ‘DC, could you come over here so we can do X’ or ‘I think we need to leave soon to go home for lunch. Do you want to get your shoes on?’ or something

Not sure. Maybe I'm just a different her kid had a bit of dirt on her hand and toddler made an issue about it. If that was my kid I would say "but of dirt, all ok, rub it off, go and play"
I guess I don't pay too much attention to my child playing.

Ok and when they don't do it? Or run away for the 5th time in a supermarket ?

No I don't think people needed to be shouted at.

Yes true. It's so hard when with multiple adults and children as it's often not possible to let them and you do everything you want.

For example if I can't keep him safe in a kitchen I will remove the stuff from the floor cupboard so he won't hurt himself and has a play. However supermarkets he's in the trolley as it's too hard to let him walk around.

Your friend sounds like a bad parent

I have a friend like this and I notice that everyone groans when she turns up anywhere with her child because her DD doesn't appear to have respect for anyone or anything. She'll scream blue murder while her mum quietly speaks to her and gives her choices which is always utterly pointless.

There is definitely a time to raise your voice or be a bit more stern and for my DS it would make him immediately pay attention when I needed him to. To be honest I always spoke very normally and never did the soft baby voice, as you've called it, as it's just not me. Similar to you with the dirty hand example, if DS falls over he's straight back up with no fuss and cracks back on because I've never made a big song and dance. It means I know when he's actually hurt himself!

Does the shouting or whatever way you decide to parent work? That’s the important thing I think.

Whenever I see shouty parents out and about, it never seems to actually be making any difference to their kids’ behaviour because the next time I see them they are shouting again and the kids are behaving exactly the same. So I guess I wonder what the point is, if you are just having to keep on doing it.

That doesn’t mean you can’t have and enforce boundaries, have rules in place, all
that stuff, but when I get to the shouting stage it’s usually because I’ve lost control - both of the situation and myself a little. And it doesn’t work for us anyway, we all just get angry and frustrated at each other and it’s just negative energy.

Sometimes when I’ve shouted I’ve justified it to myself that it’s because I don’t have the energy or time to go through the other tools I have at my disposal, but that’s really false justification because a) shouting and the subsequent annoyance takes up plenty of energy and b) it doesn’t save time because I’ve found that while it might work in that moment, it doesn’t create any lasting desire on the child’s part to behave in the future. So next time we just end up in the same patterns.

I think shouting is hard for anyone to avoid altogether, I certainly don’t, but I think if you find yourself being ‘shouty mum’ frequently and don’t like it, it might be worth evaluating whether it’s actually working in the first place or if all that energy is just being wasted when there’s other methods that might create longer lasting change and be more pleasant for everyone.

But of course there are times you need to physically remove or restrain a young child or limited scope for negotiations, and you just need to crack on. I would never stand for DC hurting other children or being disruptive in a public place, so if that happens I have no qualms in removing them immediately. But the key I’ve found is preventing it getting to that stage in the first place so you aren’t on the back foot. Stopping things going south is always better than dealing with it when it gets there!

Parenting isn’t an exact science though, people parent in so many different ways and have different opinions, so the real question is whether it works for you and more importantly, your children. If so then it doesn’t matter what other people do - the mum in your post will
probably be subject to a pile on here about how she sounds like an awful parent when in reality she just does what works for her and hopefully her child. And if you’re comfortable in how you parent then her method shouldn’t be of any concern, unless someone is being harmed as a result.

I try and talk to dc normally as much as possible. I talk to most people calmly most of the time.

I hate the soft baby voice and the wishy washy approach. So annoying. Just say what you mean.

I do get irritated with DC at times of course. I wouldn't shout unless there's imminent danger but irritation is expressed in my voice. I tend to go for the "if you don't do x now then we won't have time for y (desirable thing)" approach.

Yes I think it's more about thinking you will be calm all the time and have time for the children, when in reality you don't

I use the same sort of language naturally, probably from working with children first, but my SIL had to learn it and make the effort to be intentional with her words when the first was little but now she has excellent communication with DC. It models calm, respectful interactions is and worth putting the effort into IMO.

My best tip is just to turn negative language into positive language, instead of saying ‘Don't do that’ or ‘Don’t hit’ try ‘Let me show you’ and redirect the behaviour to something they should be doing and ‘Can you show me your gentle hands’. There’s an educational specialist called Mr Lewis who explains the concept better but basically saying NOT to do something is less effective than saying what TO do. Conscious discipline is the concept off the top of my head.

I also don’t let interrupting or not listening happen, we do the hand over hand waiting for their turn to speak thing, and I would go over and bring the child to where I wanted them instead of waiting for them to come in their own time. I’m a gentle parent but not a permissive parent.

The so-called "gentle voice" just patronizing to me. Would you want to be spoken to like that?

And don’t even get me started on when parents beg their kids—“How would you feel about putting your coat on now?” Seriously? Just tell them to put on the bloody coat. Not everything needs to be a lesson in self-expression and emotional processing.

I guess I probably sound shouty because my little one is possibly partially deaf so I speak quite loud anyway. Though If he's about to do something dangerous I 100% will shout a short sharp no because it stops him in his tracks. From what you described of your friend, she's going to have problems on her hands eventually if she lets her kid do whatever he pleases all the time.

I loath sing song voices.
that said I don’t shout neither
There is a lot of firm NO in our household a d we don’t buy into gentle (non) parenting.

I’m not sure there’s a reason to shout or talk the way you do. I wouldn’t shout at my husband or a friend to “get over here”, I wouldn’t want to be spoken to like that, so I don’t speak to my daughter like that.

How so?

Does shouting and saying things like "get over here" to a child make OP sound like a better parent?

It just sounds like two very different parenting styles.

What’s the point of your thread OP? Are you envious that she only has one child and is able to take things more slowly and gently? I’m not a fan of most things labelled “gentle parenting” but it just sounds like you’re resentful that you’re run ragged with multiple kids and you’re being too sharp and stern with them. You sound very judgmental of your “friend”.

Then you implement a different strategy. Stick them in the trolley. Put reins.

Shout no for immediate danger
Save loud shouty for about to get run over

Ran away 5 x in supermarket? Think strategy. One run away..introlley you go or reins go on.
It should not get to 5x run away before you implement a different approach
Implement after 1x .

Unless immediate danger get down to their level eye to eye talk calmly