How do single parents do it?

[Toddlernightmare]

Just that really. I have a DH, he’s a very hands on dad. He’s been away for a week and I am completely on my knees. I just sat and sobbed because after 7 days of solo bedtimes, taking 2 hours to go to bed, waking at 5am and emotional, angry days (the toddler) I have literally nothing left to give.

Anyway, it made me realise I could not do this on my own. I think I would break. My brother and I were raised by a single parent and every day I want to call her and say sorry if I ever made her feel this way.

If you’re a single parent how are you doing it without losing your sanity? Are you okay?

I'm almost certain you wouldn't break. You adapt. It's the same as wondering how people manage with 3, 4 or even more children. It just becomes your new normal. Don't be so hard on yourself.

I just do. When I feel like I have nothing left to give I take a moment, deep breaths, glass of water, then carry on pushing through til everything I need to do is done. My expectations are much lower than when I had someone else to help. But also, I get 2 nights a week without them to rest and recharge which helps a lot.

There is no other choice. Sometimes I have a cry at how hard things feel after a tough day. I wouldn’t change it, I love my child. But it’s a heavy weight for one person. I feel sad that she only has me.

Remember all your routines and systems are built around there being two parents, so right now nothings working as it should be. And your little one is unsettled because they miss their dad.
If you're always a single parent household you find different ways of doing things

You just do it because you have no other choice.

I definitely felt like I did break a bit when my marriage ended and stbxh ceased all involvement initially because it wasn't what I wanted for myself or my son but noone was coming along to fix it for me so ds was exactly what kept me going. I think if I hadn't had him I'd have rotted away in my bed depressed.

I try not to think too far ahead because I get overwhelmed when I do but a day/ week at a time is completely fine.

Some days are harder than others but it's peaks and troughs. I really, really value early nights more than ever before though. They're not a luxury now they're part of survival!

Well, to be honest there have been times when I’ve cried my eyes out, and definitely a few moments when DC was little and bedtimes were a nightmare when I genuinely considered he’d be better off adopted! But you just get on with it. There literally isn’t any other option. You take a break when you can, be kind to yourself, go to bed at 7pm with the toddler, sleep in the same bed, and get up and do it all again.

it’s overwhelming at times, but we’re okay when we’re in a routine, it’s if anything changes or there’s anything extra that it becomes more difficult.

There is a reason over half of single parents are depressed. You just plough on, it grinds you down. On the plus you can do things your way and easier times do come

You wouldn't have a choice. You just do it. Hope you feel better after a good night's sleep.

I think you’re all amazing, as was my mum. I will be ringing her tomorrow to tell her I appreciate her.

And thank you for being kind.. these toddler years aren’t for the weak.

I give myself "easy" days. I do less housework, have easy food and takeaways, etc. these days help not just me, but my kids too. A stressed out mum =stressed out dogs

Did I sa dogs lol, I meant kids

But really every day can feel like an easy day, since I split with my abusive ex...

I had 2 under 2. Came home one day and their dad had packed and left, moved in with another woman (and her child). I was pregnant with the 2nd when that happened, and when he was around 6 months old, their dad stopped contact and said he no longer wanted to be involved. So, totally alone with 2 under 2. I did it because I didn’t have a choice, it had to be done. You cry, you feel exhausted and stressed. I remember a newly single mum asking if there was ever a time I didn’t feel exhausted and I had to be honest and say no, I was exhausted ALL the time. It improved when both kids hit primary age. Their dad turned up after 5 years as well so contact started very slowly. Now one is in high school and the other starts high school in August and things are easier. But it was very very tough for a few years there.

Solo parenting AuDHD twins has nigh on broken me at times.
But, I'm all they have, so I just have to get on with it.
🤷🏼‍♀️

@Blackdow I bet you wanted to kill their dad when he reappeared. My DCs dad has also walked away, it's hard for me to do everything alone and I have NO break but now my DC is getting older, it hurts them more 😥

What did he say when he showed up again? How on Earth did he explain a 5 year absence?

I prefer parenting on my own- my ideal set up is what I have with ex DP- 50/50. He’s a very hands on dad but I get to look after DD on my own. That is very different to parenting completely alone. I raised my eldest for many years with no input from his dad. It was hard but his dad was a waste of space so better in that respect.

Oh, I still do want to and it’s years later and he’s been… ok as a dad, since he came back into their lives. But I still can’t be civil for more than short periods with him.

The kids were so young when he left that they didn’t ask too much until after a couple years, when my oldest started to ask. Everyone; health visitor, nursery staff, psychologists all told me not to lie, don’t cover for him. Just to tell the kids in a gentle way. I had to just say that dad felt he wasn’t doing well being a dad and decided to go live his life away from us. I had to say something because he didn’t die, he was alive but just not here and that’s so hard for kids to understand.

He emailed. I got an email. And it hit hard, but he was as apologetic as you could be I guess, and we started slowly after I talked to the kids about it. Oldest was 7 then and didn’t want to meet him but we got past that. My youngest was excited. He said he was struggling with mental health and had since had treatment, that he had missed so much and wanted to fix what he could etc. It was all very much about him, and nothing about the kids. That was difficult. He is still self absorbed. His parents then got back in touch. The kids had a whole extended family to meet. But it was very much swept under the carpet by them, like it hadn’t even happened.

It’s very difficult but if I had ignored that email, then the kids would, at some point in adulthood, ask about him or track him down and they’d find out that I took that chance from them so I couldn’t ignored him or say no. They had a right to have a chance to know him.

Early nights. Lack of sleep feels like the end of the world.

The truth is everyone struggles. I don't think anyone would ever choose to single parent. Babies and toddlers are haaaard work.

Someone posted on AIBU recently about not wanting their DH to go on a jolly for a week as she was finding it really hard to juggle her baby and full time work and she got absolutely roasted. I think it was jealousy as so many women were like "well I'm single and struggle and you should too".

I might get flamed for this…but it was my experience 🤷🏻‍♀️

I found being a single parent easier than being married to my exH.
When you’re together, sharing the load day to day and then suddenly that help is gone (like a work trip for example or when my exH would deploy with the military for 6 months at a time!), it feels absolutely monumental because you’re so used to having a partner to share it all.
When I was a single parent, I knew it was all on me, and if I didn’t do it, it simply wouldn’t get done. I had no expectations of another person to help with any of it, so not having help was just my normal.

Just because single parents do it all on their own all the time doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to find flying solo hard!