Toddler rough play

[Lavender14]

So ds is just over 2 but he's a big lad, probably closer in size to a 4yo than a 2 yo. He's not overweight or unhealthy just very tall and solid.

He's an only child and goes to nursery a few times a week. They've been complaining to me recently about him being rough with the other kids, pushing and hitting.

I do address this with him at home, I always tell him about using gentle hands and being gentle with other people's bodies, we practice using gentle hands and the difference between gentle and rough, tell him what he can do instead to get any pent up feelings out in a safe way, get him to say sorry and explain it makes people feel sad if he hits, we have books about being gentle with friends which I read to him.

When he's at home I can clearly see the link between him being tired/overstimulated/ bored and being rougher so I address that straight away depending on what the need is and give him time outside or try to wind him down etc.

I feel awful they are repeatedly coming to me and telling me about these incidents, obviously I'd rather know but I don't know what else I can realistically do to address it.

I've got a copy of their behaviour management plan so i can copy some of the language at home and I've explained to staff exactly what I do at home but tbh at home 99% of the time he's really good. He does have an older cousin who he likes to play wrestle so I'll knock that on the head incase he's thinking he can play that way with smaller kids though tbh on playdates or when we're at soft play he's never ever rough and always plays nicely. I have never even seen him hit or push another child. He's only ever rough with me and mainly when I'm getting him ready for bed and he's past himself. When we're on playdates he's usually the one getting his toys taken off him and he'll just look at me and then shrug it off and play with something else. He is quite a chill child on the whole which actually makes it hard for me to reinforce because I'm not seeing that behaviour very often even though I'm pulling it up every single time I do.

I feel like I'm making no difference even though I'm being really consistent and I feel like the nursery are looking at me as if to say this is your issue - 'fix this' but I don't know what else I can actually do. He's never actually hurt another child in nursery as far as I'm aware it's just being too rough or pushing but I'm wondering if they're expecting more of him due to his size because while he's the biggest in the room he's also the youngest.

Any suggestions for what else I can try or any advice? He likes nursery and is always excited to go in so I really want to help him know how to interact when he's there.

Is there any way that you could go into nursery with him for a morning to see what is happening? Maybe if you could see it them you would know which behaviour he is channelling from his life outside and you could help him and the staff to understand? (Thank you to my DS for this suggestion.)

Potentially, I'm not sure how open staff would be to that but if it became a big enough problem then I'd definitely suggest it as an option. I think you're right in that I need to probably ask some further questions about context when this is happening and what's happened just before and exactly what the behaviour is (as in is it anger or overwhelm). It took a long time to settle him in nursery (he was very well settled at another nursery then we moved house and had to move nursery) so I'm a bit wary of unsettling the routine of drop off incase he thinks I'll be staying longer. I could see him getting upset with that.

We’ve actually done better by letting the boys playfight DH, with talking about not playfighting me, asking before wrestling etc. and then explaining not to do it at school, only wrestle a cousin if they say yes…

They get a lot of good input and learn about their own strength with playfighting but of course it isn’t okay at school.

We would always identify it with him if his cousin wants to stop/ doesn't like what he's doing or he's getting too rough and it's becoming sore etc. Every single day before he goes into nursery I do some affirmations with him in the car and include things like: if you're having fun but someone else isn't then you stop/ if someone is doing something you don't like you say stop I don't like that/ being gentle with other people's bodies/sharing and taking turns etc to try and set him up for the day. I really try to build the idea of consent and respect for other people's feelings/ bodies into our day to day in everything we do and if I'm playing with him and he stays stop or no I'll say OK mummy is having fun but you said no so ill stop right away and wait until he asks to continue. But now I'm starting to feel like I'm pissing in the wind!!

Got to be honest OP, I hate all the “gentle hands” bollocks. I’ve got a boisterous and energetic nearly 4 year old and I’ve always battered him daft in play fights. He loves it. There’s nothing young boys in particular love more than play fighting. So I play fight with him. They are wired to need it and rough and tumble play is absolutely essential to their physical and mental development. Have you seen animals play fighting? It’s literally part of evolution and necessary for bonding, developing balance and coordination, learning our limits and how far to push things before reeling it back in, and understanding our bodies and spacial awareness.

My son has never once hit another child. Your son probably needs more of an outlet: as much physical play and time outdoors as possible, as well as having a good old regular battering from his mum and dad. Wrestle the living daylights out of him on the bed and wire into him with pillows and cushions. Stop when you’re both knackered from all the giggling and running about.

In summation: batter the wean, and batter him good.

@Spudthespanner that gave me such a laugh thanks for that!! I do play physically with him - his dad isn't involved at all it's just me and him so I do try and fill that role as much as I can- but we do wreck about, the only time I remind him of gentle hands is when he's going to actually hit or smack me or kick or does it hard enough to hurt. Same when he's wrecking about with his cousin : rolling about having a wrestle I've been fine with - building up to deck him not so much. I was just starting to doubt myself because I feel like I try to get a decent balance but I'm not sure it's sinking in.

He's outside for a few hours every day he's with me and we'll go hiking or to the park whatever the weather and he's definitely a calmer happier child when he's free range like that it definitely calms his wee soul. When he's getting too rough going outside is the best thing for sorting it. But when he's babysat by my parents they're much older so it's not as easy for them to give him that same outside time so I do try and encourage them to throw him out in the garden and just watch him and play ball or something. So I do as much as I can in that respect with a full time job on top.

You’re doing great. They need so much physical activity it’s insane. On days my son isn’t in nursery we can be outdoors from 10-4. Even on nursery days we go to the park or the woods afterwards. Bloody exhausting. Any kids martial arts clubs you could sign him up to?

I've been trying to get him registered with a rugby and a gymnastics club in our area but they've a hectic waiting list so we're still waiting for something to open up for him. There's not a huge amount where we live and because we do like to go adventuring at the weekends I don't want to be tied to block bookings unless they're early in the morning so we can go on and do our own thing in the afternoon which ties us up a bit. My job is stressful and I don't really have much babysitting help so being out and about with him in that way is as much my down time as his.

I agree with adventuring. No organised class compares to getting outdoors with them and doing your own thing. I don’t have my son signed up to anything at all yet, although I’ve no doubt clubs and groups will come in time. At the moment nursery is enough for him and the rest of the time we’re in the woods or at the beach. Swimming is great for tiring them out too.