Sick to my back teeth of 5 year old

[sundaybloodysunday12]

My 5 year old is very lucky wee boy.

he has a great life, loving family, doting older sibling. Loves nursery (in Scotland, will be starting primary school in August).

he’s just a little shit these days. I know he is probably spoiled. But he is so argumentative / combative.

everything is a fight, even things he wants to do.

I don’t work Tuesdays so that’s our day together. Went to farm park yesterday. Had to drag him out the house in his pjs and then get him dressed in car park there cos he just point blank refused to get dressed.

he did the same with a train ride experience last week. I couldn’t get him to leave the house (even though he was desperate to go) so I eventually just gave up (even though I’d paid for it) and I just sat there, completely defeated.

he then started screaming that he wanted to go. So we got in the car and went. And we had missed the train. And he spent the whole day screaming and crying about it.

im just so done.

Remembering my stubborn first born afew years ago ..
Try allowing him more control.
Does he want to visit XXX?
(Ask the day before.)
Talk about what he'd like to wear.
Get the clothes out ready the night before.

Tell Master 5 that once dressed, he can decide what you will both have for breakfast. (Leave TV and devices OFF)
Ask him for suggestions of what food to take in his lunch box.
Would he like to put one toy also into his bag?
After breakfast say that you will both leave to visit XXX when DS5 blows his whistle (knocks on front door etc).
He will want to enact the leaving horn or whistle so he will co-operate.
Work out the mind games that suit. Stress less; it was a good learning opportunity (consequences) when he missed the train.

Sounds like he is strong willed and wants more control over his life.

If there are ways to let small demands go, to offer choices to everything you want him to do, it will probably help.

Hey, he is looking for attention. When he opposes he gets all your attanetion. Anger is attention too.
Best way to go forward is to fake plan something amazing- dont buy tickets - let him act out and say its ok, we dont have to go and that you cancelled the tickets. Dont give him more attention or explanation. Just acknowlege his feelings- oh you feel sad
we dont go. Oh it must be hard and you really wanted to go etc.
Kids are master manipulators! You just have to be better :)

My DS is younger (nearly 4) and the behaviour is not quite as extreme, but I recognise him in your post. I recently realised that he can get anxious about things he is very excited about doing, and this makes him pick a thing he can control and insist on that. It was when I'd promised him a trip to the aquarium and he was very excited about it and on the day he decided that he was not going to put socks on ever again. Anyway, we got through the tantrum and we both apologised to each other for getting cross, and I took him to the aquarium and when it was time to go in it dawned on me that he was scared of the sharks. If you'd asked him at the time, he'd have been convinced that it really was about not wanting socks, but what he actually needed was very specific reassurance about how we were going to handle sharks (stay far away from them, have a cuddle). (It turned out they were rubbish sharks anyway and not remotely scary and we had a lovely day).

Anyway, it might not be the same for your child, but if it turns out that he's got specific worries, the suggestions above to build it up to be more exciting, or to give him more control probably won't work, though I agree that it's good to offer choices in other circumstances.

One of my DC is like this, I don't really have any answers. He has a swimming lesson ever Saturday and some weeks the carry on beforehand leaves me so drained. I said once, out of desperation that as he clearly didn't want to go, I'd cancel the lessons and he freaked out.

I think they want control, but not too much.

With the train situation I think I would not have taken him, reiterating that it was too late, he refused to go and he missed out. You may find he doesn't do it again as he's hopefully learned his lesson.

I don't tend to book and pay for things often due to this behaviour. It's very sad, I get it.

See if your council does a incredible years course. It was game changing for us.
Edinburgh Council does

Thank you all.
im aware I was ranting a bit and appreciate the support and helpful advice.

Will read t through the responses more closely later when I have a bit of time.

thabk you.

Friends 5yo can be like this at times as well - I mentioned it on another thread, at the weekend he had a lengthy crying fit about a potential trip to the park. There was a discussion about what people wanted to do that morning. It was suggested dad and older brother (and me, Fun Aunt) would go to the park. Did 5yo want to go with us, or did he want to stay home and play with mum. There was about half an hour of screaming and crying about that situation! He didn't want to go, but also he didn't want to not go. It was too hard to choose. But did he want someone else to choose for him? No, more crying. How about we suggest which he did. Also no. Where do you go from there? He got so worked up about it nothing was going to get resolved.

It's difficult because it seems like such a ridiculous carry on about nothing. This is literally your choice, if you want to go to the park then go, if you don't want to then that's also fine, it's up to you. But evidently there's something going on they can't explain that makes it a Big Deal to have Big Emotions about the decision. Thinking back to my childhood I'd have been told not to be silly and parents would just make a decision for me - or tbh probably wouldn't have been given a choice in the first place, it would just be "we're going to the park this morning" (or equally probably the less fun "we're going to B&Q"). I do sometimes wonder if children just find it overwhelming being given 'the control' so much and would find it easier not having so many choices.

In the end the rest of us had to actually leave the house and get in the car, then a message came through that he had decided he did want to come. And he had a lovely time at the park as suspected. Who knows what the problem was about reaching that point. But it is draining to have extended hysterical crying at small life choices and transitions.

@givemushypeasachance example has reminded me of the other thing I was going to say, which is that (separately from the crisis moments) I think it's helped to do lots of work with DS about recognising and talking about his emotions. His nursery do quite a lot of this too with all the children.

Could it be anxiety based?

Boundaries first, explanations and reasoning after.

At the moment he is learning that he can not put his clothes on, and mummy will do it in the car park. or he can cause trouble, but later when he cries, mummy will still try and take him to where he wants.

Instead - If he won't get dressed. He doesn't go, he gets to stay bored in bed until he gets dressed. If he changes his mind later. Too late. Trains gone, farm time has passed.

Ride out the following tantrum. Make it clear what caused him to miss out, and what he can do next time to not miss out.

Repeat a few times and he will understand the simple rule - not getting dressed = missing fun things.

After that you can explain and reasons and teach him things. But the understanding simple cause and effect. Action - consequence is step one. If that isn't there, jumping to reasoning and more complex ideas of teaching emotion and logic is pointless.

Obviously you can't be missing expensive bookings, so I would make a point of dealing with this through a string of free outings where you won't loose anything when you miss it.