12 Yr old DD loves dad more

[BeGoldTiger]

Hi,

I'm new to thos and suppose I'm looking for some advice and reassurance.

My ex-husband and I separated about 4 years ago. It was pretty quick, no going back and forth etc. We have two daughter's together, now 12 and turning 10 in the summer. Right from when their dad and I first separated they have gone to him every weekend.

My 12 year old has always been on the sensitive side. She is quieter, shy, introverted and I've found the best way to parent her is to encourage but not push. If you push she pulls away and you've lost her. My younger DD is more resilient and seemingly just less bothered by life. Doesn't take as much to heart perhaps.

My 12 year old has always been close to her dad and would always say she loved him more when she was little but it didn't bother me. I knew deep down she loved me, it was just normal toddler/little kid stuff. Just lately though it's really getting to me and I find myself wanting to bite back. She would never say she loves him more now, on some level she knows that would be hurtful, but she's forever saying she misses him. She comes home on a Sunday and she misses him. All through the week she misses him, she's sad and tearful, forever messaging him on her phone (I know, I know, the whole phone/age debate), even when she was on holiday with me over Easter where we went abroad she was miserable because she missed her dad. It's childish of me but I want her to "see" me and everything I do. I don't want to hear about how she misses her dad all the time when she sees snd speaks to him so much. I suppose I thought she would have outgrown this a bit by now given how much of a stable routine we are all in. I don't know whether I should be letting her feel this way and keeping it neutral so she feels comfortable to say it out loud when she's with me or whether I'm actually doing her a disservice in the long run and need to toughen her up a bit.
I should add that my youngest rarely mentions her dad in the week but is always happy to go to his at a weekend. She's equally happy to skip a night for a special treat with me such as a movie night or if we're doing something the next day. She seems a much more well adjusted.
Help!

Can she go and live with her dad, or is that not an option?

I wonder if she’s doing it for attention or to wind you up, if so, ignore.
When I was a kid I only saw my dad on Sunday, and we did fun things, therefore I used to say he was my favourite. When I grew up I realised what a shit he was for leaving me and mum in a poor situation.

You have to be an adult for her and put your own feelings aside in your relationship with her.

I don't know whether I should be letting her feel this way

You don’t have any control over people’s feelings. She feels the way she feels and that’s that. She’s grieving for her dad and what she misses out on by not having him around. You have to be present with her for that as much as you can, and if you can’t, step aside and make sure she’s got alternative adult support around her so she can talk about how she feels about her dad - can she chat with an aunt, uncle etc?

It's childish of me but I want her to "see" me and everything I do.

Well done for recognising this is childhood need inside you. Best not to shame yourself by labelling it ‘childish’ - these are normal needs all humans have, but your children can’t meet them for you. It could stem back to something you didn’t get from your own parents - recognition, appreciation, adoration, love etc. See what you can do to get those needs met for yourself so you don’t let them impact your relationship with your daughter. It’s not her job to handle your stuff.

You’re all going through some hard stuff - be gentle with yourselves.

I think you’re seeing her missing her dad as some sort of reflection on you - and it really isn’t necessarily that at all. Some people “gel” better with others (and that’s true even in the context of loving families). It’s no reflection on anyone else - it’s often just down to personalities. And I’d see the fact that she feels able to be open and honest with you about it as a sign of your own strong relationship. Can you suggest that she calls him during the week? I know it’s old fashioned, but I think you get much more connection from speaking to someone than bouncing messages back and forth. Might that help her a bit?

Couldn't she just see him more often?

Thank you all. I feel better for having written it down and some of the advice given is very helpful.
Unfortunately she can't see her dad any more often due to working hours but she very often stays additional nights when he is on annual leave. And I've always been open that once she is a bit older and manage public transport to school etc she has the choice of where she wants to live.
You're very right, I can't control what she feels and the best thing for me to do is support her. She is close to grandparents and two aunties so has options other than ne to talk to.
Thank you all.

Right from when their dad and I first separated they have gone to him every weekend.

This is your problem right here. I don't care what his work is like. Parenting Monday - Friday is the hard part. For EVERYONE. Getting them to school, making dinners, supervising homework, routine routine routine.

Everyone is fun on a weekend. Sleep in. Have a nice brekkie. Go do something fun. Let the kids watch TV. Whatever.

That needs to change, quick.

Well he has all the fun time and you have all the grunt work. Of course she’ll associate him with nicer times.

Are you a sahm? Does their DF have a partner?

Why was this arrangement put in place. Does this mean your girls never spend a whole day with you to do their hobbies see their friends do sports etc. what about parties does he take them to these? This is a shit deal for you.

It's normal for her to feel like this. It's understandable for it to hurt you. But it doesn't have to.

Don't see it as a competition. It isn't. You are her mum, her main parenting person and you occupy a unique place in her heart.

I want her to "see" me and everything I do
She won't see all you do because quite frankly she's a kid, and kids never notice the bulk of what we do. When she grows up she'll recognise it.

I don't know whether I should be letting her feel this way
It's not like you can stop her! We often feel closer to one parent than another. My brother and mum were sporty and had such a similar sense of humour that they gelled much better than I did with Mum or he did with Dad. I was more like my dad. That didn't mean I didn't love my mum, just that I was more relaxed with him.

It's OK to feel hurt. The thing is not to make your daughter feel guilty for her emotions. She's going through a few years of immense hormonal and physical changes. Being the stable, reliable source of support isn't the glamorous role, but by god it's an important one.

I tried to put in a weekend a month where they stayed with me but my eldest was so obviously miserable I just couldn't keep her from seeing her dad and now it's just embedded.
I work full time but mainly from home and finish at 3 once a week where we sometimes go to the cinema etc. I also arrange to have them one at a time on a Friday night every now and then to have a special treat. Last time I took my eldest shopping and to get her ears pierced.
I'd fully agree that I do all the grunt work as somebody put it, and dad and his partner get the fun times. Not sure whether I could change this now for my eldest though. My youngest would be quite happy to but she does love to go where her sister does.

It’s a fairly normal pattern if someone cannot change their work hours. Every other weekend is more normal though. They won’t establish school friends readily if they aren’t available at weekends for seeing other dc.

In the circumstances I think you have to be lead by DDs though. Also try not to see parenting as a competition for appreciation but I do think it’s hard not to.

I would probably talk to your ex about it. If she’s messaging him and crying you need both parents on board reinforcing the arrangements. Not sure other family members will have the same effect. He does need to step up and explain why the arrangements are what they are. If I was his new partner I’d feel rather tied down every weekend! Maybe dd could spend time with them in the week and go to breakfast club or a childminder before school? Would she like that? What about after school if she’s not using public transport? Could she get to their’s? If these logistics are not possible, there’s not much to be done and he needs to tell her that. Maybe 50/50 in the holidays could be looked into? I think a conversation with ex and him explaining his work pattern to dd might help you. It’s not possible for everyone to work around children so they pay instead. Does dd think more time with them is more weekend style time with them?

DD works in family law and she says the most common arrangement is 5/14 nights with dad or occasionally mum. So a weekday is built in.

Even aside from the dad issue they can be pretty self centred at this age and it’s hurtful sometimes when you think ‘can’t you see all that I do for you?’ I became skilled at tongue-biting although didn’t always manage it, nobody is perfect. Deep breaths a carry on, you’re doing a good job.