Overstimulated with my 5 year old, possible adhd

[Zoopymoopy]

im so overstimulated by my 5 year old and at times truly hate my life. Since starting school in Sept, there have been consistent hitting of teachers, biting, spitting and not listening at all. My child lashes out when attention is not on them. I’ve spoken to the school and SENCO lead and they have had assessments done via an educational psychologist and speech therapist. We all know that it’s possible ADHD but cannot get a diagnosis until 6 years old (privately paid). Until then, I will continue to struggle with constant lack of listening at home. Every time I have a good day at work it ends up being shite because upon picking my child up, I will be inundated with her behaviour for the day. The school try and have one to one or get my child to take part in other activities but it seems like the behaviour is so much worse than at home. I don’t get hit or spat on yet in school it’s consistent. I’ve spoken to my private healthcare insurer to see if I can get an assessment done privately so I’m waiting on that but I’m truly done with my life right now, why couldn’t I have a “normal” child who listens, I can’t plan things that are fun because they end up in screaming tantrums and defiance. I’m so embarrassed and feel so ashamed that I cannot control my anger and I shout and scream back because I’ve had enough! I want to feel happy again with my child and my love is truly unconditional but I’m so done with crying at night, I’m so done with feeling like a failure.Zero appreciation from dad who visits once a month and blames me because my child lives with me. I am the one who calls around desperately trying to advocate for my child to be seen or assessed, I email the headteacher and school to ask for support, I take time off of work to be present and organise everything with ZERO support! I feel like an absolute failure because I don’t want my child to grow up feeling different and alone.

Hi @ZoopymoopyI just wanted a to say your not alone, and it is really tough!
My DS is 6, and diagnosed with ADHD and ASD, he’s only recently been diagnosed with ADHD and I was counting down the days until he turned 6 to be able to get the diagnosis and trial medication.

First for the school, are they looking to see what triggers the outbursts? E.g. my son can’t deal with too much excitement or fun, as he then can’t calm down, and the only way out of it is a meltdown. They need to assist in identifying the triggers, and what they can do to help reduce this. Support in school should not be based on diagnosis but based on needs.

I know it’s hard, but don’t take what happens in school personally, and I say this as someone who used to cry after nursery pick ups, being told my son had another bad day hitting / throwing / screaming. Remember this is her not coping with the day in school, it’s not about being naughty, or acting out, she doesn’t know how to deal with the emotions, so at home try and chat about it, and if she can identify anything that could help.

Medication can help… so there’s a light at the end of the tunnel when she reaches 6, if that’s something you would be willing try.

Finally, be kind to your self, it’s tough being a mum, let alone a mum to a child with SEN.

Does she have an EHCP?
Does she have movement breaks?
What is happening prior to the outbursts?

I totally get the shouting and screaming back, it's so hard not to at times.
Ive started removing myself from the room to calm myself down.

@Sunshineclouds11 no EHP yet! They have only just done the school assessment and I’ve had one meeting to go over the report. The Educational psychologist has put in recommendations but no EHP, it seems they are trying by getting my child to go to movement classes, taking her away from the class for a 1:1. From what I’ve been told, the outbursts happen when she is told to do something she doesn’t want to do or if a another child doesn’t want to play with her etc.
i will try and remove myself from the room and rise above it but its so goddamn difficult when it’s just us two and I need to get her to listen or eat or just follow basic instructions. Thank you

does she have a visual time table?
this has helped my son massively in terms of what to expect next so he's got time to digest it etc.
may be worth a chat with school about it as could help her with the things she doesn't want to do.

in regards to others not playing with her, I've had to drum it into him that not everyone wants to play and that's ok and to find someone else.
i totally get this is easier said than done and it took awhile to sink in but I said it to him everyday on our walk to school.

totally get it, im on my own also.
I try follow like a visual timetable but just by telling him.
we're going to have dinner now and then we will play or we will play now and bath next in 30 mins and remind every 10 mins.

@Sunshineclouds11 thank you for tips! We do have a visual timetable and generally it works, I think the part we struggle with is the frustration when things are not done and I should really choose my battle with low demand parenting, sometimes it gets a bit much as I want to parent normally but have to remind myself this isn’t a normal situation.

A diagnosis won’t make the situation easier, it will make getting a plan in place at school easier. I have two ADHD + ASD children, routine is key for us. Learning how to speak to your child also helps, I have to phrase things slightly different, I don’t say ‘tidy up’ I say ‘can you help mommy tidy up please’. It’s a pain in the arse but it helps, a bit. I also use countdowns to transition. 10 minutes until dinner time, 5 minutes until dinner, 3 minutes and so on. Visual timers help. Sleep, if one of my children don’t get a full nights sleep that has a huge effect the following day. Reward charts, but with gems ( mine thought they were more exciting ) Try to remember it’s not directed at you, it’s not your child’s fault.
Do you have space for a sensory tent? Somewhere she can go when she’s overwhelmed and deregulated?

You've said you try to do low demand - if she is demand avoidant, have you tried declarative language? It's very tricky to get the hang of it at first but it really does work.

@RavenLaw i don’t stick to low demand, it was more of a suggestion from the educational psychologist to not get me worked up by expecting her to do more than she can understand! I haven’t used declarative language but will do some reading on it . Thank you

@raven0007 and that’s what I feel will help her in school; a diagnosis will enable the school to take the best steps to help her as I feel now we are just kind of umming and ahhing about what is happening. We have an almost set routine, we have a structure that we follow but sometimes I’m not super strict. Normally bedtime and eating time we are strict on and she doesn’t stay up late etc. we have a rewards chart and that helps a bit. I should follow through with countdowns and alarms for when things need to be done/started etc but I have to admit I forget or are so overwhelmed by the whole day that I just want to crash on the sofa and not talk or move.. but we soldier on lol. Thank you

I have to make things a race to get done or bets 🙈
let's see who can tidy these up the fastest
if he's sat at the top of a slide and won't come down I have to say things like bet you can't go down in 3 seconds.
sure enough he's down the bottom in 3.

he also likes a timer on YouTube for tidying up, he asked for it for assuming they used similar in reception.

Ours is the opposite. Angel at school, has huge meltdowns at home. We get it all. It's wearing. Hopefully you get help soon for your DC. It's soul destroying having to wait for help.

We are waiting on CAMHS giving us an appointment.

Music helps for activities. Like can you get dressed//tidy up by the end of this song.

Exercise is the main thing though. The difference in my dc when they've walked 30 mins to school Vs being driven is incredible.

@user1476613140 how old is your DC and is this for an assessment? Did you know they have drop in apps too?

@Sofasloth oh the walking we do lol… we walk everywhere possible but what I might start doing is going to the park near us after school to burn off some energy

You can't make your child change, you need to change the environment to meet her needs. Have a meeting with the school about what they can put in place, but realistically it sounds like they won't be able to meet her needs. Get the ehcp started and look at other mainstream or special schools. Has autism been considered too?

At home, start actually doing low demand and stop planning lots of "fun" activities that she can't cope with. You need to get things to a calmer state. Medication may help if she has adhd, but it's not a magic button and won't help with any other conditions.

Give yourself time to mourn the life that you expected and come to to terms with the one you have. There are lots of support groups out there too.