PDA and interacting with other children at school..

[Lookingforsomeadvice81]

Hello, I'm not sure if this is the correct place to post this, but here goes..

DD (6, almost 7), is the youngest, her older DD is here 50:50 but youngest DD is with us all the time. Quite a big age gap, but they get on brilliantly and have a lovely relationship.

My worry is about school & other kids.
Youngest DD's teacher says she's lovely in class, bright, kind and a joy to have. Brilliant, except one parent already has approached me about my DD making her daughter upset. Her DD is very sensitive, however, I don't like the thought of DD upsetting other children. Another parent, PTA member, just doesn't seem to like my DD (I've noticed a look she gives her, not me being paranoid - honestly).

DD can be challenging - I suspect ADHD, and also PDA, but she had responded so well to a change in my parenting once I identified the PDA traits, that actually, the challenges at home (bedtime, instructions etc) are improving massively. She lovely, spirited, energetic, can be bit bossy, but I love her for who she is.

I guess, my question is: should I be worried others don't 'get' her and label her as not very nice, mean or controlling with their kids? Incidentally 'controlling' was their word not mine. Heard from the teacher (one parent said it about DD), but teacher said she's never observed this in my DD! I trust the teacher as she's very smart, observant, kind and really understands my daughter. But do I need to work on the friend thing? Should I be worried?

We talk a lot at home about being kind and sharing - when I explain things, she really understands and has such a lovely heart. She's not perfect, no one is! The emotional regulation is a work in progress, but my goodness has it improved.

Eldest DD did struggle originally (she thought DD was a bit spoilt), but I think she's gained a real
appreciation and empathy for how she struggles with ND traits - they're both really kind little people!

Sorry for the waffle..

Anyone? x

It's very normal for 6yos to upset each other occasionally/have friendship dramas. Also some PTA parents are just horrible (no matter what your DD has done they shouldn't be shooting her dirty looks!).

I wouldn't read to much into all that - just believe what the teacher tells you. She sounds great 🙂

Thank you Snoodley, really appreciate it. I guess DD isn't going to be everyone's cup of tea, but then - I'm sure I'm not either!
she is great 😊
I suspect the look from the PTA mum (which she's done 2-3 times) is sub conscious, but I definitely caught it (annoyance/disgust/intolerance). Kind of made me want to slap her in the face (the PTA mum, not DD!!), which I of course didn't!!!

This doesn't sound like PDA at all.

I don’t think you can assume that it’s just people not getting her because you think she wouldn’t be mean.
You say this other girl is very sensitive - what was it your DD did that upset her?

I'd agree it's probably more of a primary school thing - kids are all at different development stages and the subtle ways that autism can present isn't well known.
My DD (also autistic but not diagnosed until teens) has consistently delighted teachers (listens well, follows instructions, tries hard) but found her peers hard to read.
Keep helping her with social coaching in age appropriate ways. My DD fundamentally isn't mean, but she can be blunt, not very empathetic and doesn't understand why people do things in certain ways - she's not very friend orientated unlike many children and this can end up with hurt feelings.

Thanks No, DD definitely has an avoidance with instructions/perceived demands. And there is a strong presence of ND in the family; both ASD and ADHD. DD also had significant speech delay (may or may not indicate PDA) and other development delays that can be associated with ND. Previously under the care of a cons. Paediatrician.

I'm no expert -or qualified- but when I did read up on PDA, and adjust my parenting methods, I noticed a huge shift in my DD in terms of emotional regulation and how she responds to everything such as leaving the house for school/other instructions. That said, I may be wrong - we don't have a formal diagnosis for this, and I wouldn't want to label her unnecessarily, rather give her the support she needs, whatever that may be.

Out of interest - why not PDA? This is all new to me so just navigating through! Thanks

Thanks for your reply Joyous - quite difficult to explain, but to do with games they played I think and where they sat.. it turns out the other child didn't voice what she wanted and then got upset when it didn't happen (but DD didn't know what she wanted), if that makes sense?!

Thank you Beamur, everything you mentioned described my DD perfectly! That's exactly how she presents. Often she can be blunt and upset others, but I know she hates hurting feelings at the same time.

Is it a case of functioning so well (delighting teachers etc) that it's easy to fall under the radar and that's why it's harder to get a diagnosis or understand truly what's going on for them?

Thank you again - will keep trying with the social coaching. Doesn't come naturally to me - didn't get the same manual as everyone else ha! But I'll try my best to decipher human nature and friendships and help her x

People may object to the PDA "label" but if it's helped you find an approach which has helped your DD, that's the important part IMO.

If you especially want to talk to PTA mum, you could say something like "I know DD can come across as controlling at times, this is actually rooted in anxiety. We are working on it and trying to help her." If it's in the context of a playdate or something you could suggest what usually helps but other than that, it's probably best just to ignore. You're never going to see eye to eye with every parent in the class and sometimes that gets in the way of friendships. Unless you get the impression your DD is bullying or being mean to this girl, or it's really upsetting DD that the friendship isn't working out I would leave the children to it and keep working on what you can which is what you observe.

Incidentally, this (linked) approach may help with social skills in children with ADHD traits, especially if you're finding that approaches designed more for autistic children don't seem to be helping, which is a common pattern with ADHD - it's thought that they need to develop the skills in the environment because they find it more difficult to generalise skills learnt in a different context (Click on the Download PDF to read the article). I also don't see anything here which would cause an issue if a child doesn't have ADHD.

https://chadd.org/attention-article/how-you-can-be-a-friendship-coach-for-your-child-with-adhd/

I found role playing very helpful with DD. She would tell me about something that had happened and then to try and show her someone else's pov I would re-enact it with her but then also run it through with different responses.
Whilst not diagnosed as such, partly because we didn't ask - I have suspected DD has some PDA traits despite her appearance of compliance! She is able to follow a rule even if she really really disagrees - such as school uniform - as it's clearly laid out, but she massively rails against slight misperceptions or injustice. Such as some people 'getting away with it's and others not. She hates being reminded to do something or prompted to do something - like lay the table, but it's the asking, not the task that triggers the rage! But she also recognises its unreasonable to lose her rag so manages (just) to carry on..

Home life is tailored around your DD's individual needs.

It's very different in a school setting, especially when there are so many rules that must be followed. Adaptions can be made for educational reasons but not, say, for safety reasons.

If the school are saying there is no problem in her complying with rules then it seems like it's just normal interaction between kids of that age. If she is hurting others then let the teacher know.

Did the teacher say that the other mum called your DD controlling? If not where did it come from?