Looking for hope after discovery of an affair and becoming a single Mum

[Hopefulsinglemama25]

Hi everyone,

This is my first post but I’m so emotionally drained and looking for some hope / words of wisdom.

I had been with my husband for 13 years (married for 2). We have two children aged 3 and 8 months old. When my second born was 6 weeks old, I caught him having an affair with a woman from work. It had been going on throughout my pregnancy. I suspected it but of course it was denied the whole time and blamed on hormones / me being crazy. He left the family home the day I found out and since then it has been the most awful and traumatic experience I could have imagined through both emotional and financial abuse. I have had therapy and counselling and definitely need to continue for the foreseeable.

He initially saw the children a few times every week, but this decreased and there was a period where he actually didn’t see them for about 2 months because he said he found it too difficult. Fast fwd to now and he sees the eldest every other Sunday. He has recently introduced his affair partner to my eldest without telling me - I believe this is why he decided to rekindle visits all of a sudden. I am broken but know there is nothing I can legally do here. He does not have a relationship with my baby and they wouldn’t know who their Dad is in a room full of people.

We had an incredible marriage and I still struggle to get through each hour with the pain he’s causing me. We have both stated that we wish to leave the local area as we find it too difficult ‘existing’ in the area we share so many memories. He’s said he doesn’t want to commit to having the children for weekend stays etc as doesn’t want them to live out of suitcases - I agree this is too much for two very small children.

I am yet to file for divorce, I honestly can’t bring myself to. But, he is already drilling in to me that he will walk away from financial negotiations if I request anything close to 80/20. So, this process I am also dreading despite having a great solicitor I have sought advice from.

I guess I’m just looking for words of advice and stories of those who have managed to find happiness again in similar situations. I hate my own company and feel incredibly lonely despite having an incredible circle of family and friends. I’d love to meet someone new and ‘start again’ but being a single mum makes me feel like it’s impossible.

Anyone come out the other side?!
Thanks xx

Yes I did. But my solicitor was not that great. I ended up on benefits and no one paying the mortgage. So my tip is to use your great solicitor and get exactly what you should get off him, what you are entitled to. Forget what he says, he is not your solicitor

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this and no I don’t have experience but can help you a bit with the Divorce side.

I know that you can’t bring yourself to file for Divorce but it’s so important for you to do this and quickly.

If you file, then you’re much more in charge of the process. It’s important that the Financial Arrangement Order is done before the Final Order is made. Again you are in a much better position to ensure that this is done if you’re the one filing.

If you can’t bring yourself to do it, please do it for your DC as the money in the settlement is for their futures.

You don’t need a Solicitor to file, you can do it yourself but you do need your Solicitor to start working on the Financial Arrangements Order straight away.

It doesn’t matter that he says he’ll “walk away”. You need to get as much as you can if you’re the one who is going to be doing the Childcare.

Have you got a DFriend or someone like your DM who can come over to offer a bit of support whilst you file for Divorce?

I would then persuade him to start using a co-parenting app. Make sure that all communication goes through the app. Just ignore any texts or emails that aren’t through the app and don’t answer calls.

You need evidence for the Court of his threats like walking away and you also need to demonstrate that it’s him who is leading the conversation on how little time he wants to see the DC.

And I know that this isn’t what you want to hear either but expect him to hide money, delay financial negotiations, possibly get more abusive and insist on 50/50 custody so that he doesn’t have to pay CMS.

I’d also ask @MNHQto move this over to the Relationship Section where you’ll find other MNers who have lived with this heartache and are now living better lives

I have been there. Out the other side now. I am much happier now. Please find your anger and start to take control of the bits you can control op. File for divorce. Get your lawyer sorting the finances and Do Not Take Any Shit. Do not let him dictate the finances. This is your kids, and your, future you are fighting for. He will get more abusive, more angry as things progress I would guess. You must be strong op. You are in this position, your kids are in this position, because he is a lying, cheating vile man! Get your lawyer dealing with as much as possible. Good luck op. You will look back stronger and happier even if it doesn’t feel like it now.
PS please don’t fall for his BS either. He doesn’t want the kids ‘living out of suitcases’? Oh fuck off you lying cheating pathetic specimen of a father. He doesn’t want the kids cramping his style with the OW op. Remember to see him for who he is, not who you thought he was, or wanted him to be..

And the DC shouldn’t need to “live out of suitcases” bena use he should be providing everything that they need whilst he looks after them.

Sorry for the typo. I meant because he should be providing everything that they need when he has them

Exactly he should be creating a home which is also theirs. Sounds like he cba

I’m in a really similar situation to you OP. My ex partner had an affair not once but twice and the lies and gaslighting were something else. It’s a huge shock and makes you question everything. As other posters have said make sure you’re seeing him objectively not as who you thought he was. If he was a good father he’d move hell and earth to have a set up at his that is appropriate for your children. He hasn’t. The thing I’ve found most hard is trying to connect the person I thought he was with this new person who I don’t recognise at all. Send me a DM if you’d like some moral support, no one understands unless they’ve been through it.

Mine were older, and he left them with no contact for a lot longer, and now he only sees them a couple of times a month (no overnights - his choice) so I can't advise on moving on!

BUT

If you have a good solicitor, be guided. It's worth the money, as judges listen to solicitors/barristers in a way they just don't to normal people.

Set what you think is fair add a little bit for wiggle room, and stay firm. Make sure you know it's fair, because after a couple of years you're going to get to the stage of wanting to just have it over with, and start thinking you should just give in. Knowing that what your asking is fair is the only thing that kept me going and meant that when he offered just under my proposal, I could take it and know it was fine (if he'd taken my original offer he'd have been significantly better off, but he decided to fight it, cost me about 10k, must have cost him about 80k, and he ended up with a worse deal than if he'd just listened to me). My split took 3 years - and it wasn't even really acrimonious - contact between us was non-existent, he just dragged his feet - changing solicitors 3 times, bringing a barrister to every meeting, taking weeks to respond to anything.