3 year old normal behaviour or possible SEN?

[ammmmmo]

My son has been a challenge from day 1. I have always had a gut feeling that something just wasn’t right. This started from when he was a baby and would scream and cry all day, through every single baby group, at any loud noise, when we introduced any new things/foods/textures. Fast forward to him being almost 3. He is and always has been extremely over-emotional and sensitive. His meltdowns are extreme - to the point that other parents will look at us as if to say “why is he reacting like that?!” to something so minor. He has a SERIOUS parental preference to his dad, and will scream at me constantly throughout the day because he wants his dad to do things for him, not me. If his routine changes, he will have a meltdown. He shows signs of anxiety by always asking what he’s doing the following days etc, with who, and repeating it when he wakes up in the mornings. He has never slept well. His memory is absolutely astounding, especially for the most tiny things that happened over half his life ago - he will remember it and remind you of it.

On the flip side, he is very sociable, has very good language skills and makes very good eye contact. Eats well, communicates well, understands emotions such as feeling happy and sad, and is also very caring (when he wants to be). He also doesn’t show any signs of stimming.

I guess what I’m asking for is to know if this sounds “normal” - because it really doesn’t seem it to me, and all the other toddlers I see through friends or playgroups. His childminder agrees that his meltdowns are irrational and “weird” as she put it.

Every day with him is a complete and utter struggle. My husband and I feel like we are walking on eggshells, for fear of saying or doing the wrong thing around him which will inevitably end in a meltdown. It’s getting us both down immensely and the strain between us as a result of it is horrible.

Thank you!

Have you read up on Autism? My son has just gone through a diagnosis (waiting confirmation) from what I could tell he is sensory seeking and has problems with social and communication. Nothing was said about stimming, although he has gone through phases of what could be classed stimming. I'm not sure there needs to be neuro diversity in all areas

Not thoroughly but it is something I have always questioned. How do you go about getting tested for it in the UK? And is there an age where it’s recommended to wait until etc before being tested?

Also forgot to add to original post - he literally has to be in the same room as us in the house, we can’t leave him on his own otherwise he has another meltdown. We manage to sneak out of his bedroom at night once he’s asleep, but during the day he’s basically our shadow.

I do believe it's health visitor or doctor who needs to make the referral if they haven't started school.

This was basically my son at age 3. I wouldn’t say his preference for me (his mum) was quite as strong as your DS’ for his dad. But everything else is literally identical. Including in your update.

He was diagnosed in reception as autistic with a demand avoidant profile. He’s also extremely bright (like gifted level). He’s awaiting assessment for ADHD, but I think that’s more borderline and I’ll neither be surprised if he is or he isn’t.

Assessment can either be private or via the NHS. Private is obviously much quicker but £££. There is the ‘right to chose’ scheme (NHS funded assessment with private provider) but I don’t know much about that. There is a very active Facebook group about right to chose if you are considering assessment.

Can't be bothered to name change nothing personal.
Very similar story to the above. My boy was like your experience. Been told he is autistic at age 5 and to come back re adhd in a few years. My guess would have been adhd or sensory processing or ocd which is quite common to confuse with children with a spiky profile such as his apparently.

Did you see his health visitor for a 2 Year Check? And did the childminder do one?

Thank you so much for your reply. Have you found that getting this diagnosis has helped you? Be it in the sense of understanding / being able to support him better? My husband is worried that if we were to get him diagnosed it’ll just put a label on him but I truly think it would be the best thing if we all knew.

And has his behaviours become any easier to cope with now he is 5? I’m just wondering what the next few years look like for us really, and if it is going to be this stressful for the foreseeable. Understand this is based on your experience only though.

Which route did you go to getting him diagnosed?

thank you x

Thank you for your reply, how did you go about getting him diagnosed? And are you glad you went through with the process of doing so?

Yes to both, health visitor assessment was fine because he is meeting all the standard communication / motor skills etc etc, none of that is the issue. It’s how he acts mainly behind closed doors which is when he shows all this behaviour. Childminder basically just said he is the cleverest 2 year old she’s ever met.. but everything else fine.

Just another update of something else I thought about - he literally freaks out if we try and change something he is familiar with. For example, new shoes, new socks, new nappies (we’re nowhere near potty training, that’s another disaster) - but anything new in general results in a complete meltdown.

The assessment is in no way useful for helping us day to day. The main things that have actually made a difference for our day to day existence are an OT assessment, SALT assessment and, annoyingly, time. Age 2-4 really was hell because he was just so dysregulated with no outlet. As he’s got older, we’ve found more strategies to regulate him. He’s currently building a 12+ Lego model independently for example (he’s 5, nearly 6). I still need to be in the room, but he doesn’t need my complete and utter undivided attention, which was still the case even a year ago.

Sadly, the assessment was absolutely needed to get school interested. It shouldn’t be the case, but sadly often is.

And has his behaviours become any easier to cope with now he is 5? I’m just wondering what the next few years look like for us really, and if it is going to be this stressful for the foreseeable. Understand this is based on your experience only though

In answer to this, yes he is easier to manage now than at 3.

He needs his mind and body exercising like a dog and he can’t cope with any form of down time. Unstructured, free time leads to hyperactivity, dysregulation and destructive behaviour. His mind needs occupying every waking minute (which sadly, is a lot, sleep is still very bad - 8-9 broken hours is a good night here). He also needs to spend a good few hours a day outside, moving, or again he becomes dysregulated. He is still a lot of work, a lot more work than the average 5 year old. The thought of having a chilled out day in our pyjamas is completely alien. But I wouldn’t go back to age 3 for anything. We have to work extremely hard but we can usually manage him now. It felt completely out of control at age 3.