Cancelled football

[Rebelrebelcat]

My 7 year old is generally well behaved. In school there are no issues. At home however, he can have outbursts. Day to day he and his 12 year old brother bicker, constantly about who's turn it is on the xbox or the seat they are sat on, just silly things, they can hit each other, not hard but to wind each other up and it's constant so very draining..... Today I have asked them to tidy their room, it is a complete mess, but they argue with other over who's doing more or who's not tidying, they throw their toys at each other then they both just refuse to tidy. This is when the 7 year olds outburst starts, he screams, shouts, bangs on the wall, throws toys down stairs, knocks over a pile of folded washing that's waiting to be taken upstairs, he slams doors.. This goes on for about 15 minutes until I say right that's it and I give him a consequence, today's consequence was this afternoons football class cancelled, he screamed louder demanding I cancel it, he promises to tidy his room whilst still throwing things down the stairs, he screams sorry, he won't do it again IF I uncancell football. Well today I stuck to my guns. I explained to him that he needs to start showing respect for the things in our home, banging walls, slamming doors and throwing toys isn't showing that so football has been cancelled. After another 40 minutes of him screaming and kicking things he calmed down, came to apologise and went up to (half) tidy his room. I then explained that this isn't the first time this has happened, he screams, he says sorry we cuddle and life goes on... Then it happens again a couple months later....well I'm sick of it, I've told him he needs to learn that him kicking off is not on and this time he will not be going back to football class until I see that he is respecting our hone and his belongings better.... Am I being too harsh? I'm just sick of the battle every month and the consequences not resolving anything.... I just thought that by me cancelling his football will show him I'm being serious
Thanks for any advice and please tell me if I'm being unreasonable, Im a big girl!

What’s the 12 year olds punishment? Sounds like he winds the LO up and then the LO can’t stop and gets in trouble?

It is the 7 year old who starts, he knows how to wind his brother up, his brother has autism and makes noises uncontrollably, this sets off the 7 year old to say shut up so the older one says shut up and it escalates.... Neither of them know when to stop. Consequences for both are no xbox, no movie, no sweets ect but doesn't change anything, they don't seem to care about the consequences.. My older one has had his phone taken off him also as a consequence...

I'd probably threaten to cancel it but not cancel it. I feel bad letting the football team down. My 7 yo has outbursts at times that sound very similar, throwing stuff etc. I am learning to get in there before it starts so listen to what is wrong, offer help/cuddle/bit of calm time. What was the older siblings involvement in this?

I do completely understand how draining sibling squabbles are.

If your 12 year old is autistic it's quite likely that the 7 year old is also neuro divergent. Additionally being autistic also doesn't mean the 12 year old shouldn't receive consequences for his actions.

ETA if the consequences you give don't make a difference you need to look at consequences that will help improve their behaviour.

Still feels like the 7 year old gets more consequences than the 12 year old. I personally wouldn’t take football away. It’s chance to be himself with out his brother and burn off some energy.

Can you pre-empt the problems. Set a Xbox timetable, set up a task for the one not on the Xbox. Can the bed room be devided so they have their own space to keep clean and space away from each annoying each other?

All that said, I feel those ages were the worst time for bickering from my too with a similar age gap (although boy & girl).

Do they get enough 1:1 time with you?

I appreciate its likely you are making the best of a small house, but it soundsike they need space from each other. Is there any way of dividing their space up a bit with some sort of room divider?

I wouldn't cancel the football long term as as it can be a good energy outlet.

Any chance you could split the room in half so they aren’t sharing as it really sounds like separate spaces may make a more harmonious home plus which it is quite a large age gap for sharing . WRT cancelling stuff I think now you’ve said it you need to go through with it today otherwise it’s pointless and he will always think that you back down .

It’s interesting that you said his brother is autistic as your description of your 7 year old sounds like my autistic 8 year old when their dysregulated.

I think go and tidy your room was probably far too big and daunting task. I don’t mean this in blame way but I think you need to look at how you can change you’re parenting to make things easier, breaking the tidying down into chunks and having a set pattern or clear expectations over the x box.

Are you giving consequences for good behaviour? Children respond really well to praise, even when it's doing something like being quiet or well behaved. It's as important as punishment.

I wouldn’t get them to tidy up their room together. I would divide it into separate tasks. DS1 does this and DS2 does that. They get to go on the x box when the other is tidying and then they switch over. That way they aren’t on the room together and you can give them lots of praise for being wonderful.

Now you’ve threatened it I think it needs to happen. If he sees you follow through with it today, then you could give him an opportunity to earn it back after that.

The bit that might have been unreasonable is did you launch straight into football cancelled or did you explain that would be the consequence if x, y & z?

I would not cancel a football class tbh given that it is a commitment to a team and lets others down and is a physical release for him.

that said punishments are working so you need a new approach

Agree with this and also be present and aid the tidy up. We think it's obvious or straightforward what they need to do but it's not often to them. A ten min timer works wonders for being bite size and yet getting plenty done ( I use this for my own tasks lol!)

Did you give a warning before giving the consequence? I think that's only fair. The Explosive Child might be a helpful read.

Don’t cancel football. Get rid of the x box

it seems like ND kids can do whatever they like no consequences. Normal kids are screwed

children are not robots or a flow chart where you can press a button and the outcome is what you decide will happen, I dont remember ever meeting a child where their parents stop or cancelled something and the children just suddenly do what they are told, stop fighting, etc.

Does it really ever work do you honestly think they will wake up different children and suddenly behave?

But cancelling football effects others, but if you think xbox causes issues then yes get rid of that, from a very young age I directed behavour so there was never any opportunity to get away with anything wrong

now it is happening all i can suggest is be sharp and get on toip of it immediately then swiftly move on, the firmer and shorter the whole thing takes may mean the effort they put in to misbehave wont be worth their time