Shouting at my toddler

[Millennial92]

Toddler is 2.8 years and to be honest from day 1 she has been difficult like she's lovely don't get me wrong but stubborn and crys alot. We had another baby 2 weeks ago and between pregnancy and recovering from a c section I've just been the worst parent. The type I swore I'd never be.

I grew up in a borderline abusive household both physically and emotionally and was hit (violently) often. Left on my own alot especially when I was upset and usually mocked for it.

Just a small back story but now I'm thinking how on earth I thought it was okay for me to have kids. I can be calm sometimes and tell myself every night, things will be different tomorrow and I apologise often to toddler and tell her it's my fault etc but I know I can't keep doing this. Today has hit home that I need some help as I got down on her level twice and shouted in her face.... It's like I go blind and can't stop myself. She fell over today during a tantrum and I just walked away from her and told her she was being horrible when her sister needs to be fed..

I do have alot of calmer moments they aren't all chaotic. I've just told my partner ill be walking away from her when I feel myself rising just so he knows what's happening but should I explain this to her?

I just don't want to damage her and set her up for failure when she's an adult because I can't keep my emotions in check

If anyone has any books or podcasts I can look into please I need to nip this now and be the mother my girl deserves. Both of my girls actually.

Didn’t want to read and run but I’m out of touch with modern methods. 💐

Hugs. You're not alone and the fact you recognise that things could be better and that you apologise shows you're a good mummy. It's very hard not to repeat the patterns we grew up with, I have found the same. And I only have one child, I don't think I could cope with more. You're in the trenches with a newborn and toddler but things will get easier. The book 'How to talk so little children will listen' has been helpful for me, and sometimes I put myself in time out when I know I need to calm down! Taking yourself out of the situation/ walking away (as long as the toddler is safe!) and addressing it later when you're both calm is definitely better than yelling. But no one is perfect 100% of the time and you need to give yourself grace as well.

Sending huge sympathy. You’re at a really stressful time point and you need to be kinder to yourself. Yes your behaviour hasn’t been ideal but you’re recognising it and wanting to address it. She is also probably reacting strongly to the new baby and in all likelihood is pushing your buttons more than usual because of this. You will get through this phase and your girls are im sure lucky to have you as a mother.

Are there key things she does that trigger you more than others? This might help you pre empt when things are going to deteriorate and you can walk away before you boil over. Removing yourself if you feel like you’re going to lose control is absolutely the right thing to do. Better that than you explode in front of her. As long as she is safe it is fine to step away for a minute or two and come back when you’re calm, or for your partner to step in to manage the situation.

Another thing to consider is how your partner can support, both through consistent management of her behaviour and practically supporting so you can get enough rest/not feel overwhelmed.

lastly, your daughter is probably crying out for your attention at the moment and it’s really important she gets it. Your baby will not remember being left for 5 minutes to be fed but she will remember being told constantly she has to wait to have her needs met. There is a balance to this obviously but make sure you prioritise her needs as much as possible in these early stages. It would also be worth trying to carve out small amounts of time to spend with her on your own as soon as you are able to. Involve her as much as possible in looking after the baby e.g changing nappies and give her control where possible e.g what the baby wears, whether she joins her in the bath etc. Things will
improve, you’ll feel physically better and she will adjust. It just takes time.

Have you considered that you may have PTSD from your childhood which has been triggered by childbirth?

@Seawolves this is interesting because I've been thinking alot (and blaming) my upbringing and thinking this must be why I'm like this. I've also recently been crying if my toddler acts out and I can't seem to control it but never considered PTSD. I think it would be too easy to blame something other than myself just being a horrible person.

Congratulations on your baby op. Be gentle and kind on yourself. Take everything very slowly. I’ve been in your exact position, I could have written this myself.

@SErunner I completely agree and myself and partner even spoke about her acting out to prepare us both and her for the challenges that would come up and even though I expect it I'm struggling still.

The triggers seem to be her saying no and having tantrums or refusing to get ready. Or running away from me. All normal on her part.

She has been very involved with the baby and I've been speaking to newborn like I would to her such as (I'm just going to grab toddler a snack so you will have to wait a minute)

I can't seem to constantly stay on track with modeling clam behaviour. I also have been getting unhelpful advice from in laws such as "you need to show her who's boss" which I don't agree with so my behaviour doesn't even make sense because I know what it's like to be shown who's boss yet here I am. Thanks for your advice and will be taking it on board.

Sorry to hear.. How did it work out for you in the end? I'm considering professional help now.

I'll get this book this evening and get stuck in.

I agree and don't want perfection from anyone in our family but I would rather I reacted differently like I don't believe in walking on eggshells around her to keep the peace but I'd rather do it in a calmer way! I growled one day like in frustration and she really laughed which made me laugh and the whole situation was forgotten because we were just growling at each other and laughing! And we got on with our day.

I definitely need an outlet but I need to recover too and running is usually how I destress.. Also having a glass of wine which I haven't had the time and I'm breastfeeding.

I said some horrible things to my older child when I had a newborn, I just hope she doesn't remember them. My relationship with my oldest went downhill from when I was pregnant until little one was about 18 months but it's improving now.

Keep your DH in the loop is what I'd say.

I've recently read 'evidence based parenting'. By Matilda gosling. The auther does podcasts too. No.1 rule is look after yourself and your relationship.. it's for children aged 2-pre teen. I've found it helpful and had some good honest conversations with my DD (age 6) since reading. I have a 2 year old too, and there's not much for that age.

I try and remember we are always learning.

How to talk so little kids will listen is great

Please listen to Janet Lansbury's podcast Unruffled, and read her books too if you can. She unlocked parenting for me.

I had to go to therapy when my first child hit that defiant, boundary pushing toddler stage because I was not coping well. Shouting too much, and feeling this inner rage that I knew was not healthy for anyone.

I am much better now, and you will be too xxxx

Despite the trend on mumsnet to blame their childhood on everything. You only have to be good enough. You cannot and never will be perfect. There is no such thing. Every child is different.

If possible, put your older child in childcare to give yourself a break and either pay for a cleaner, or get a friend/ family to help. Do grocery shopping online. In other words take the daily chores out of the equation for a while. You are a good mum but society continues to place unrealistic expectations on mothers. Oh and stop reading mumsnet!

What a lovely, warm yet practical post.

OP, you are not alone- even though I did not have a childhood like yours I often think to myself I could have done better with my kids in the moment. They live to push our buttons!

I totally get people will milk their childhood as an excuse for their behaviour and I don't like it but having kids has just brought it all to the surface where I didn't really dwell on it before. And I also have started reminding myself of my own mother at times which can only make you think of your own childhood! Thankfully my Dad's family were very kind and loving and I spent alot of time with them so there was a balance.

She is in childcare two days a week and partner does weekly food shop every Sunday. I think I just need to get into a routine with them both and myself at the moment it's all up in the air.

She needs to be in childcare 5 days a week while DH is at work. There is no way I could manage a newborn and a toddler 3 days a week by myself. Also, at almost 3 years old she needs exercise, stimulation, etc, things you cannot give her while you are caring for a newborn. You're expecting too much of yourself and also not giving her enough.

partner does weekly food shop every Sunday

Getting to go the shops, alone, when there is a toddler and newborn at home, is a break, not a chore. He takes the toddler with him or you shop online.

Okay I'll close this thread now as its getting a little judgemental. Partner does bring toddler along and we also get adequate outdoors time both with myself as I can still walk and when partner gets home from work. Thanks for the advice everyone.

Saying you shouldn't have to handle a toddler and a newborn 2 weeks after a c section is honestly the opposite of judgmental. It's recognition that it's really really fucking hard and really, you shouldn't be in that position. Many people would snap. Your DH needs to do more and toddler needs to be in childcare more once DH goes back to work. It's the only way.

I had a c section last October, and my DD was 2 years 8 months. Honestly the first few weeks were so hard, toddler started getting up through the night when she heard us up with DS, I couldn’t drive and I just felt so down like I wasn’t doing enough for her. It took us hours to get ready for a short walk. In the end I just thought to myself I am doing my absolute best I can in this situation. I did find myself short tempered too, which isn’t acceptable. I used to make sure me and DD did an activity whilst baby was asleep, so I used to bring the Moses basket in the kitchen and we would make a cake etc.

we are now 6 months in and it is easier, don’t get me
wrong there are still “harder days” but we manage.

please remember you are doing your absolute best!

It’s not a bad option, therapy is always helpful. I had/ have postnatal depression with both of mine, I have a two year old and an eight month old. So still going through it. I got talking therapy through the health visitor/ gp. I would strongly recommend it.

It’s not easy breaking the cycle. But be kind to yourself, you’re doing all the right things in identifying what’s happening. And like I said, take everything slowly, take each day slowly and concentrate only on what is most important. It’s a kind of mindfulness technique but also very grounding and important for you.