Aggressive toddler, normal or concerning?

[letsnotIRL]

My 2YO DS is an absolute dream, he's funny, adventurous and super affectionate. But when he gets told no or has to try and share he has huge meltdowns and tantrums. This is something we've been working on, especially sharing. He will push, hit or bite when upset.
But lately he seems to be extra emotional, he cannot seem to regulate himself at all. We do deep breathing and calm time ins. Lately whenever a friend or family member tries to leave our house he become so distressed it's awful, but once they've gone he turns aggressive towards me, maybe he thinks I've sent them away? Yesterday he was chasing me around the house hysterical on all floors trying to bite my legs like a small dog! I kept firmly saying "no biting" and walking away but he kept chasing me! I tried holding him, I tried everything, he was out of control. In the end I picked him up facing away from me and hugged him close and then put him in his room (his safe space) and got down to his level, told him to calm his body down and then I walked away. It worked and he calmed himself down with his comforter in bed. It was a pretty scary experience I felt like I had no clue what to do, he did manage to bite me the other day and he took the skin off, I have a huge scab and bruise on my hand and I'm mortified.
For context, we have just moved house and had a new baby, and hes struggling to nap. So I understand there is A LOT going on for him and we've tried to make the transition as smooth as possible. My question is, do you think this behaviour is just him feeling overwhelmed with everything at home? Or would it be concerning for you? He has always been a hitter and biter before all the changes. And he is FULL ON, people call him a "proper boy". We've just had parents evening and they said the same, struggles to share and very easily distracted by his environment so won't sit for group activities. I'm worried its ADHD but don't want to label him as he's so young and this is age appropriate behaviour. But when do you worry about the aggression? Should I speak to HV?

Sounds within the range of normal for a 2 year old. I don't say this as an expert but as the parent of a kid who was once like this as a toddler! He used to even SPIT at people when he was upset; it was horrendous. He also used to follow me around the house in anger; he wouldn't let me hold him to help him calm down.

It does sound like he has a lot going on in his life at the moment too and could be contributing, like you say. But also keep in mind that the parts of his brain responsible for self-regulation are very underdeveloped; it will come with time.

I used to shut myself in my room for a few minutes to calm myself down, even if he was banging on the door and screaming.

A friend of mine used to find it helpful to hold her son from the back while sitting, to restrain his arms and legs, if that makes sense.

Someone may have some better advice for you... but if you're very concerned, it may be worth raising with your health visitor, if you trust them.

@EleventyThreeit's so nice to hear other people have been through this and come out the other side! Well not nice but reassuring iykwim. I know it's a grass is always greener thought but all my friends and family toddlers are NOT like my DS and its so discouraging as a mam.
I feel like it's just age appropriate behaviour plus all the external factors exasperating things. I would have been happy to raise it with his HV but they just changed her and I'm not sure about the trust yet. On the one hand I don't want him to be slapped with a label, but on the other I don't want to leave it and leave it and then he's 5 and struggling in school 😕

I've been trying to nip it in the bud before it even starts today and he seems a lot more settled. Might try and focus on his behaviour for a few weeks/months and if there's no improvement after the novelty of baby and house has wore off then I'll mention it. Thanks for commenting, and yes I have restrained him before purely just to keep him and me safe, same as your friend.
How old was your DS when he calmed down a bit?

It's really hard, isn't it? Those were some of the most difficult times I've had as a parent so far. With my son it became more manageable once I learned to keep myself calm and kind of re-frame the situation as him having a hard time. In the moment it can definitely be very worrying though, I know. He still has the occasional meltdown at age 10 but nothing like when he was a toddler.

You might find Dr Becky Kennedy's resources on 'deeply feeling kids' helpful. There are various videos and articles out there online.

One time when I was at the end of my tether, I contacted a parenting support helpline/chat and did find it helpful. There's a list of some organisations offering this type of service here on the Home Start website, if you're interested: https://www.home-start.org.uk/urgent-support

You're doing the right thing by reaching out for support. You're not alone in this!

@EleventyThreeall of that is amazingly helpful thank you so much! You don't realise in the moment all the resources available to help and you do very much feel alone. This is definitely the hardest age I'm finding so far.

I've put him down for a nap/quiet time in his room so I'm going to watch some of these videos while BF the baby. Thank you again.