Self Harming Dd

[CoastingAlongWouldBeBliss]

I need some help please
Id just like to start by saying I’m a really relaxed parent, I spend a lot of time with my kids and have a good relationship with them. They’re teens and know why I have rules and know I always have their back too. We have fun as well as having boundaries and discipline without punishment.
Dd however has started self harming since she’s started secondary school. She’s finding the adjustment hard and seems to be anxious all the time.
she talks to me about things but recently if she doesn’t like something I’ve said, she tells me that I’m causing her to be anxious and she’s getting an urge.
How the hell do I navigate this? I sometimes feel it’s used to manipulate me but she’s also likely to scratch/cut herself as well.
Obviously, I don’t want her to do it but I can’t give in to her either. I don’t doubt she feels that genuinely because she doesn’t like what I’m saying and that’s her response to stress.
I'm really trying hard to help her find other ways but she says nothing works.
Today, I flipped. I had the usual morning stress about not going to school, getting up late and refusing to do stuff.
I was getting late for work and ended up shouting and throwing my bag across the room just in an act of rage while yelling at her for going against every part of our deal (one which was to get up in time for school)
I just reached a breaking point.
I feel terrible of course but neither of us spoke when I dropped her off and I know she’s going to be even more anxious now.
Im already getting support from the school and she’s seeing a counsellor.
What else can I do?

I have a daughter who self harmed.

I didn’t realise at the time but now I looked back and see that I was perimenopausal. I’m just mentioning that because I think it often coincides with when people have a teenager and reading that you felt rage made me think that it was worth flagging this up. It’s so important to be calm and compassionate around someone who is using this unhealthy way of coping with what’s going on in their lives. Try and spend some time looking after yourself because you’ll need to be strong. My daughter hasn’t self harmed for years-it was a phase, a very frightening phase, I’m wishing you well.

When parents start to realize some of the crazy shit going down at schools right now they will hate themselves for ever taking their kids there. Pull your daughter out of school, she is in a miserable abusive environment, she feels powerless, she has no backup and she is starting to use self harm as a release mechanism.
Give her time to detox, I suggest you find another school which will have the same issues to a greater or lesser extent, or bite the bullet and home school like many of us have been forced to do.

So this gentle and relaxed parenting means you have sought NO professional help for your young DD?

Seeing a counsellor? She needs more than that op

you have been to GP with her?

Do you have children?

or you do and you home school?

Hi OP, I’m in a similar situation. DD is in year seven and self-harming. I know she has used broken glass and the blades from sharpeners. I honestly feel at a loss. She is seeing a counsellor who has also recommended that I contact our GP. I am shot down when I mention hormones to DD but I do think her very lowest moods correlate with her period so am going to discuss with her and the GP whether the pill might be another thing we try. I’m not usually quick to medicate and feel she is so young to start the pill but just want to find something that might go some way to helping.
I wish I had useful advice, but wanted to give a handhold anyway. I’m feeling like I’ve let her down as am at a loss at how to help her. for you.

I was that self harming DD, and because my mam refused to get me help or deal with it I self harmed from being 12 till I was 26.
Be the parent, she needs to know there are boundaries regardless, don't let her manipulate a situation because that's not about self harm that's just control.
You can't stop her harming, that's the main thing you have to accept, my mam found my blades in my room and removed them, so in desperation I looked for something sharp (all removed) but I found the blender blades and absolutely ruined my thigh.
Get her to a GP and ask for a referral, while you wait for that you want weekly/fortnightly appointments with either a doctor or a nurse, even just to check any wounds for infections and have a chat with DD on a regular basis to monitor her moods and thought process.
Buy her a little self care box, with germolene, plasters, bandages, cosmopore, pain relief. She WILL NOT see this as encouraging, she will see that you care for her, no matter what she does, she is worth looking after and you will always be there to support and care for her, even when she's messy and anxious and "done wrong".
Losing your temper is okay, we're all human, but you should apologise to her.

A doctor recommended to my family to start leaving letters for each other. So I would write my mam a letter explaining how I felt about a situation or something that hurt/bothered me and leave it on her pillow or next to the kettle for while I was school. The rule is you can't discuss the letter in person, you have to reply. Writing a letter removes the emotion, you can't lose your temper to a peice of paper. This will also reduce her anxiety regarding conversations like this.
If you have any questions feel free to ask. You sound like a great mam 🫶 this is an impossible situation don't be so hard in yourself.

The self harming is scratches from badges and I was told that because I’d found out quite early and she’s talking to me, counselling and having a few strategies in place might be fine at this stage but ok, I’ll make an appointment.
Believe me, I’ve been very calm and supportive generally and have let her have the day off school when I felt she didn’t want to go in.
most of the time she didn’t want to go in is if she has PE or she hasn’t done her homework.
schools are tough, I know this. I have older dc who went to the school too but it’s actually quite a good school. They put in support and counselling pretty immediately. It’s not a big school either and there’s no bullying involved.
Any other school in the area would be worse. Shes also very bright and has had good grades so far.

Thank you for sharing your experience @letsnotIRL . I took away blades and DD went mad at me saying it wasn’t helpful. I’m going to get her a care box as you had and will follow up with the GP.

Homeschooled from young teen and then onto an independent learning academy. Wish I had done it from the beginning as it’s taken a long time to undone the damage. She still has a lot of underlying anxiety but she is head and shoulders from where she was.
Schools are now using something called a positive behavior model for discipline. It means naughty kids are ignored for behaving badly and praised for good behavior, while normal kids will get disproportionate punishment for tiny infractions. It obviously produces chaotic classrooms and traumatised confused children who don’t understand why they get detention for sneezing but another kid is allowed to go round punching people with no repercussions.

Sometime self harming is caused by problems in emotion-regulation, which is an ASD symptom. Not saying your DD is on the spectrum but maybe it helps to recognize the source of her not being able to regulate anxiety or intense emotions. I did this is a teen and am just now diagnosed 🫣

@CoastingAlongWouldBeBlissjust a tip, don't call it scratches to her or around her, this could trigger her to think they aren't "real cuts" and tempt her to try and go deeper.
You sound like you're doing everything you can and I'm sure with some help and support she should be okay 🫶

Thank you @letsnotIRLWe do similar with text messages as sometimes dd doesn’t want to talk about things but will text.

No, I’ve never called them scratches but she does.

It's a natural protective response, but if your DD is like me, my little blades gave me so much comfort, weirdly. As long as I knew they were there/I had them safe, then sometimes that was enough and I didn't need to actually harm. Almost like a safety blanket or a comforter ? To have it removed made the whole situation feel like I WAS doing something wrong, which to me at the time, I wasn't. It helped me and I just needed someone to teach me what to do when I felt like that rather than cutting.
Hope you manage to get an appointment and your DD engages 🤞

But you don’t have children

I did think about this but apart from anxiety and feeling overwhelmed sometimes, I’m not sure if there are any other indications.
I’m working very closely with the school and trying to get her help but I just can’t deal with the manipulation. I don’t want to be on eggshells around her but I don’t want to cause her more anxiety.
If I tell her to do her homework (I include some control for her in terms of time, place, background music and so on) then this is causing her anxiety, if I tell her to go to bed, or take her vitamins, or go to her activity, or visit her grandma all these things cause anxiety.
I can’t let her just do nothing or do things completely on her terms and it takes a lot for me to try to get her to do what she should be doing without triggering her as well.

If I tell her to do her homework (I include some control for her in terms of time, place, background music and so on) then this is causing her anxiety, if I tell her to go to bed, or take her vitamins, or go to her activity, or visit her grandma all these things cause anxiety.

it doesn’t “cause her anxiety”!

she doesn’t want to do any of these things, like many a teen, but she’s using “anxiety” as her get out

Agree with all of this.

School can be a traumatic and horrendous place. My DD suffered for years, I wish I'd home schooled her.

I was the self harming teen. I was eventually diagnosed with bipolar and suddenly my life made sense.
In my teens the one goal I had every day was to inflict pain upon my body. It was all driven by feeling wrong. My mind was different I didn't have the space I fitted in and I took that out on my body.
Self harm for me was a way of expressing the deep deep pain I was experiencing. It very much felt like someone had tried to removal all of my organs with a blunt rusty knife.
I think the important thing here is to identify what role the self harm is fulfilling for your daughter then you can work on identifying other things less harmful that might fulfil a similar role.
The calling anxiety is a tricky one. I imagine there will be times when these things will be triggering anxiety but she's a teenager they are particularly adept at identifying trigger words and phrases so it's possible that not all the claims are anxiety. I guess you have to assume, unless good reason not to, that it is anxiety. The biggest thing that has helped my mental health over the years is identifying things that can be put in place to help those symptoms step back down and allow me to complete the tasks that initially seemed impossible. A little bit of distress tolerance and a lot of grounding techniques and self care.

I was under the early intervention into psychosis mental health team for 3 years who provide intensive support for those experiencing their first episode recognised of conditions like bipolar and psychosis. I'd been under care for depression previously but this was the first formally recognised manic episode, I had had a previous episode but there were issues with my doctor not recognising it as such.
My medication regime changed this made a huge difference as antidepressants send me manic but I predominantly experience depression rather than mania/hypomania. So I was taken off antidepressants and started on a mood stabiliser which didn't help and then an antipsychotic that can also be used as a mood stabiliser and antidepressant and that have me better stability.
In one episode I had 4 months off sick from my university degree during which time I saw a care coordinator, a therapist and a support worker every week to help me learn the skills to live with mental illness. Once I was back doing my degree I dropped to seeing just the therapist and care coordinator on alternate weeks and then just the care coordinator between weekly and monthly depending on my mood. When stable it was less frequent. They helped support me through stress for periods, my dad had a stroke during this time for example, they supported me in identifying early warning signs of an episode and I could get medication reviews quickly some times seeing the psychiatrist 2-4 times in a month to get the balance right. After an episode we did debriefings after to work out what helped, what didn't and what could be done next time.
This was in my mid 20s and I'm now 37 and I still use the skills I learned through that intensive early support.

The thing with bipolar depression is it doesn't always have a reason or an obvious trigger and that had been something I really struggled with as I would always asked why I was sad or what had triggered it and I literally can wake up one day and be depressed. I now know I'm sensitive to the length of days and from August onwards I'm at higher risk of low moods and once the days start lengthening in February my brain becomes alive again and I'm more prone to high moods in spring

Yes I ended up homeschooling my child.