Mixed-race daughters of white mothers: what brilliant things did your parents do?

[MoreThanRubies]

I’m white, DH is SE Asian and we have two preschool DDs. I’d love to hear from women with dual heritage (especially if your mother was white). Was there anything your parents did that was really good and helpful in terms of embracing and enjoying your heritage, and tackling stupid people out there?

I’ve been trying to research this but I mostly find negative stories of women who grew up feeling out of place and unhappy. Happy people don’t tend to write about why they’re happy so I’m asking!

DD1 will be going to school soon, and I’m sure the issue of race will come up at some point. We talk about how people come from different countries and have different coloured skin, but I’m pretty sure she doesn’t understand the concept of “race”. We live in a diverse area where the majority of children have at least one other language or non-white parent. We speak both languages at home and celebrate cultural festivals. So, in her eyes our set up is just normal (as it is!) but how do I prepare her for the wider world?

I’m aware that because of their ethnicity, my DDs’ experience of life will not be the same as me, their blonde, blue eyed mother. What do I need to know and what helped the most? I know they’re only little but this stuff matters.

I’m white as snow and so is DH but I thought your post was reflective of you being a great mother so I wanted to stop by and say that.

Also, it sounds like school may not be a problem if there are many mixed race children. I also have read that Gen Z are about 50% not white so I imagine Gen Alpha (which your daughters will be part of) will be an even more multicultural generation. It could be that people you’ve read about who became unhappy adults were Gen X or Milennial which were less multicultural generations. I definitely remember witnessing racism at school in the 90s. Times have changed a lot so hopefully it won’t be as bad for your daughters now as it would have been.

As mixed race the biggest issue is that you don't fully belong in either camp. Making time for both cultures to thrive in your house is really important. My DM always favoured the "white" side of my family, and because the other side lived in a different country it was seen as a special treat to celebrate that side of my heritage. In practice it was just a bit s**t as I was an adult before I got to be part of it (and even then I don't really understand all of it). Kids from either community can also be a bit testing. You are never quite white enough or brown enough (there is more to it than this but it would be a whole book) and I don't really know how you navigate that as I see this still happening for my DCs.

The best thing you can do is teach them it is ok to be different, make sure they get good educational opportunities (chances are they will have to work harder to achieve the same things as their white counterparts) and encourage them to talk about their experiences and give them tools to support good mental resilience. All the normal good parenting stuff. They will face racism at some point, overt or subtle, so my advice is to work out now how you want to respond to this and how that makes you feel. And how you and your DH want to support them to get through it. It hurts like hell when it happens because you can't protect them from it.

My DM was hopeless on all of the above. But it what would have helped me, and what I am trying to do to support my DCs.

I grew up in the 80s. White mum. Asian dad. I was mocked mercilessly by Tony Rees at primary school because of my dark skin. There were about 5 non white children in the school of 450, so it was rare.

Mum taught me a few lines to say to say back at him. She mostly taught me to ignore. I truly hope karma came and bit Tony on the bum.

I think you asking the question shows you're parenting well. She'll learn about both sides of the family as she grows. She's living as part of a diverse population, so her experience is normalised for her. Teaching her to be confident in her own skin as both a woman and a person of colour is the very best armour you can give her.

I'm following as I'm the white mum, our DD is adopted and her other ethnicity is very unusual in the UK. We try and emphasise her culture, read books, try new foods and have celebrations at the right time of year, she's learning the language (only on Duolingo) and we picked her primary and secondary school as being more ethnically mixed than some of the other options.

@Thingamebobwotsit thanks for some great pointers there.

@Thingamebobwotsit thank you this is helpful.

Hoping that is less of an issue nowadays, as you say @Feliciacat

I love the richness of our family & cultural life, and by any objective measure our girls are beautiful, clever and strong. It just hurts to know that one day someone will make them feel bad about themselves because of where their dad was born.

Also feeling some annoyance today at an NHS form where the most accurate single box for them is “any other mixed background”. What? Like a paint, or a dog? Gah! I always mess up their data by just ticking the two accurate boxes.

Thanks everyone

My DD is also "any other mixed" but in fact in her home area there's no option for her combination either.