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Original poster

Boyfriend keeps co-sleeping on the sofa

27 replies

BeTicklishBee · 29/04/2025 22:09

I need some serious advice! I have caught my partner falling asleep with our baby on the sofa multiple times now.

Tonight, I had a shower went to the living room and there he is again sleeping with the baby on the sofa. I have told him every time how dangerous it is and that it could kill our baby but tonight I lost it! I’m just at a loss he seems to think the baby will be fine but I’ve told him if it was fine then no baby would’ve ever died from this, I’ve shown him the safe sleeping guidelines, sent him videos of parents that have lost their babies this way and straight up told him he’s going to kill our baby but he just thinks I’m moaning and being dramatic.

I’ve threatened him that if I catch him doing it one more time I will be leaving him for the safety of our child. Has anyone else got any advice on what to do? He’s amazing with everything else but this!

Honestly so tempted to leave him because of this!

OP posts:
nocoolnamesleft · 29/04/2025 22:12

He’s repeatedly and unapologetically endangering your baby. Is that a red line for you?

purplepenguindancing · 29/04/2025 22:12

I’m so sorry you’re in this position! I’d feel exactly the same as you. Does he not take you seriously even when you send him news articles about babies who have died because of this?

Do you have anyone you can stay with for a few days? Maybe move out for a few days with the baby so he sees that you are serious. I can’t believe he’s putting your baby at risk like this.

Original poster
BeTicklishBee · 29/04/2025 22:19

He just seems to think it will never happen to us! Ive said to him that I’m sure all those poor parents who have lost their babies felt the same way. He’s also a light sleeper so thinks he’ll wake up if the baby is in distress or moves at all.

All my family are far away so would take some planning to stay away from home but is definitely something I am going to look into!

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Original poster
BeTicklishBee · 29/04/2025 22:20

purplepenguindancing · 29/04/2025 22:12

I’m so sorry you’re in this position! I’d feel exactly the same as you. Does he not take you seriously even when you send him news articles about babies who have died because of this?

Do you have anyone you can stay with for a few days? Maybe move out for a few days with the baby so he sees that you are serious. I can’t believe he’s putting your baby at risk like this.

He just seems to think it will never happen to us! Ive said to him that I’m sure all those poor parents who have lost their babies felt the same way. He’s also a light sleeper so thinks he’ll wake up if the baby is in distress or moves at all.

All my family are far away so would take some planning to stay away from home but is definitely something I am going to look into!

OP posts:
heroinechic · 29/04/2025 22:23

Someone in my family lost a baby this exact way (their partner falling asleep with baby on the sofa). No one ever thinks it will happen to them. This isn’t a one off accident, and he isn’t taking the risk seriously. I’d have concerns about his capability to look after the baby alone to be honest!

Original poster
BeTicklishBee · 29/04/2025 22:26

nocoolnamesleft · 29/04/2025 22:12

He’s repeatedly and unapologetically endangering your baby. Is that a red line for you?

Obviously it is which is why I’ve said I will be leaving him if I catch him doing it again. Also, why I am asking for advice…

OP posts:
Original poster
BeTicklishBee · 29/04/2025 22:27

heroinechic · 29/04/2025 22:23

Someone in my family lost a baby this exact way (their partner falling asleep with baby on the sofa). No one ever thinks it will happen to them. This isn’t a one off accident, and he isn’t taking the risk seriously. I’d have concerns about his capability to look after the baby alone to be honest!

I’m sorry for your loss! And Exactly my point! I’ve told him I don’t trust him now to care for the baby alone. Currently baby has never left my side apart from if I’m showering etc. I’m just looking for ways to get through to him how dangerous it is

OP posts:
ADHDHDHDHD · 29/04/2025 22:30

If he won’t listen to you about this really important issue then when will he listen to you?
are you going to have battle with him on everything that’s important to you?

is he aware that the mum is the boss? You made and birthed this baby, you are the boss here. If he respects you he should abide by your say even if it’s just to keep you happy.

Nn9011 · 29/04/2025 22:31

Horrible to think but is he intentionally doing it, knowing you hate it as punishment for leaving the baby with him whilst you do what you need to do? Some form of weaponised incompetence?

Gattopardo · 29/04/2025 22:33

I wouldn’t leave the baby in his sole care at any time. I’d take that baby into the shower with me, into the loo with me, etc.

And I would leave till he gets his act together. He is missing the parenting instinct.

Psychologymam · 29/04/2025 22:36

I’m a safe co-sleeping parent (in bed, appropriate mattress, following all the safe guidelines) and I am horrified. This isn’t co-sleeping, it is falling asleep in an unsafe space and putting your baby in danger. Get him to Look up lullaby trust. Look up nhs guidelines. Talk to GP/health visitor. But ultimately you need to decide who comes first - please let that be your baby who isn’t able to advocate for themselves. This is wilful neglect - the same as driving without a car seat.

Iizzyb · 29/04/2025 22:52

Another one here saying take the baby with you when you go for a shower and don't ever leave him in charge of the baby it's just not safe xx

roomwithoutaview · 29/04/2025 23:01

I co slept so not against it. However it's made v v clear that under no circumstances do you co sleep on a sofa. Also I never trusted my husband to co sleep, only me. They just aren't as tuned in when babies are tiny. You are going to have to make sure he never has baby alone if there's a chance he will go to sleep. And I would also seriously consider how this will work if he doesn't listen to your very valid concerns. Would he listen to the health visitor?

homeedmam · 29/04/2025 23:04

You can't risk leaving your baby alone with him, even for a shower. Take a bouncer chair or moses basket into the bathroom with you.

And tell your HV - get the HV to come and speak to him and then she will have it all documented in case you need evidence later.

Pagwatch · 29/04/2025 23:15

can I ask - is he just in the mindset that because he thinks he’s right he won’t stop it? Would it help if you said to him that even if he thinks it’s safe it’s incredibly worrying and distressing for you and, rather than trying to stick to his belief that he’s right, he should not want to do something that made you so upset/frighten/worried?
Does he understand that he’s deliberately putting you in the position of not being able to trust him - iyswim?

nocoolnamesleft · 29/04/2025 23:39

BeTicklishBee · 29/04/2025 22:20

He just seems to think it will never happen to us! Ive said to him that I’m sure all those poor parents who have lost their babies felt the same way. He’s also a light sleeper so thinks he’ll wake up if the baby is in distress or moves at all.

All my family are far away so would take some planning to stay away from home but is definitely something I am going to look into!

Show quote history

I don't think the parents of any of the dead babies I've had to try to resuscitate thought it would happen to them. And of the ones I have personally seen who had died (mostly) in the night, not one of them was in a safe sleeping environment. It can happen, but it is so much rarer.

ChickenBananas · 29/04/2025 23:42

Is he doing it so you won't leave baby with him anymore?

KCSIE · 29/04/2025 23:46

Gattopardo · 29/04/2025 22:33

I wouldn’t leave the baby in his sole care at any time. I’d take that baby into the shower with me, into the loo with me, etc.

And I would leave till he gets his act together. He is missing the parenting instinct.

This is what I had to do. Instinct kicked in around the toddler years.

Gattopardo · 29/04/2025 23:50

@KCSIE it’s disturbing isn’t it? How can they not see it? I guess we are biologically programmed to look out for our tiny infants whilst the fathers aren’t always, and historically probably wouldn’t have been in the same sleeping space/ responsible for infants.

Either way, OP, you must do what you need to do. You would never forgive yourself for giving him ‘one last chance’.

KCSIE · 29/04/2025 23:53

@Gattopardo 'how can you not see it?' was the exact argument we had on loop, so many times.

recipientofraspberries · 29/04/2025 23:57

Can you get the support from your health visitor? Get them to affirm how dangerous this is.

Also like you say, if he does this again, it's got to be time for action. Tbh it seems risky leaving baby with him at all in case he does do it again and it goes wrong, god forbid.

lunalovegood25 · 30/04/2025 00:13

He’s being incredibly dim if he doesn’t get it by now
I dealt with a call where this had happened and it’s never ever left me and that was at least 15 years ago
the dad fell asleep on the sofa and the baby was under 6 weeks old and died

Snailgirl4001 · 18/01/2026 09:09

Not ok

somanychristmaslights · 18/01/2026 09:12

Snailgirl4001 · 18/01/2026 09:09

Not ok

Edited

Please don’t quote on threads that are so old!

Nearly50omg · 18/01/2026 09:26

why are you giving him yet another chance? He’s shown you multiple times he can’t be trusted! Whose house is it? If it’s shared then tell him to leave!