I feel like a useless mum with not a lot of support or people around me

[Armymum32]

Long story short. I'm feeling like a useless/ incompetent mother. With no friends and little family support. Not too sure what I'm expecting from this thread. Maybe just somewhere for me to rant and get how I'm feeling off my chest.

But my baby was born Prem at 9 weeks early in January via emergency C-section due to Pre-eclampsia. And I'll be honest, I'm finding this all so hard. I knew it wasn't going to be easy and it'll take time..but I feel I should be used to this by now. (Well this is what I keep getting told by my mother). And I don't feel I'm fit it be a mother.

My partner is in the army, so I'm basically a solo mum most of the time. We unfortunately don't live together at the moment as he's based on a camp and we have been waiting for an army house. Plus I have my own house currently I need to sell when an army house is available. We currently have time together on the weekends or when he gets time off for holidays like Easter, summer, Xmas etc.
I did have some help from my mum most the week. But she decided over a month ago now to come once a week to see me(even though she doesn't work, doesn't go out and is always saying she's bored.)
I never expect anyone to look after my baby or do all the work. But to have some time to just eat, clean or shower would help me a lot. But it seems so much to ask for these days with people and it's making me feel so useless that I'm struggling to do basic things for myself, but also struggling with being a parent generally.

I've tried joining parent groups, but sadly they are costing a lot and I feel a bit awkward in them as my baby is so small compared to others. And I have slight anxiety about joining mum/baby groups set up via Facebook as a lot of people take their friends. And since having a baby I've realised I don't actually have any friends.

I wish to talk to my mum about my struggles, but she treats me like I shouldn't be struggling. And if I was to be honest to her about how her attitude upsets me and how I wish for a bit more support or help when asked, she'll get very defensive saying I'm ungrateful or makes me feel bad by then saying she's the rubbish parent. Which I'd never say or is never mentioned.

So all in all, I'm really struggling, feeling alone and feel I have no support currently and wondering how to get out of this rut 😭
Sorry for a long post. Like I said don't know what I want from this, other than getting it off my chest. If you read this thank you. I just hope this improves for me soon.

You sound like a loving caring mum who is struggling like most of us did so be kind to yourself.
do you have a health visitor you can speak to? Is there a Homestart group near you? Maybe you can Google to check if there is. It’s a charity that helps new mums who might need an extra pair of hands. I don’t know the full details on how it works but I have seen this advertised and might be something that can help you find your feet and become more confident.

could you batch cook some meals and then heat and eat? Or maybe buy some ready meals just to get you through some days of the week if you don’t have time to cook.

try to have even a quick shower after baby has had their first feed in the morning just so you feel ready for the day. It can make a big difference on how you will feel.

i remember wearing the same few tops and trousers when i had my first baby. I’d wash one and wear one. I did this for weeks and only realised that I was neglecting myself when my sister bought me some new clothes. Do you have any siblings that you can reach out to? Or maybe an auntie or other family member?

being a new mum is hard and can feel lonely, even with support from family.

Wishing you and your baby all the best

Being a mum is hard, especially as your partner is in the army. Please be kind to yourself.

You are not useless you have done this since January, and definitely not incompetent you have got this far.

Are there any cheaper groups in your area. Church groups tend to be a couple of pound and are normally very inclusive and welcoming. The first few times you attend you might not ‘click’ with anyone, but once people get familiar with seeing you and recognising you, you will find that you’ll build friendships. It does take time to feel comfortable. Once you’ve been there 5 times you will feel like you ‘belong’ more.

I think it’s difficult to put your hand up and say this is hard. But other of mums do feel the same.

It could be that it was many,many years ago that your mum was in the thick of it looking after a baby 24/7, so she might not relate or remember the struggles as humans we have a tendency to look back with rose-tinted glasses. It will be easier for you to open up and get mutual support with other mums with babies/ toddlers who are living it right now.

I’m not an army mum but maybe online there is a Facebook group you can connect with other army mums.

Its hard and you are doing a great job. I used to pop baby in bouncer/ car seat for 5 mins whilst I showered, bought a couple of those mugs that keep your tea/ coffee hot, can you see if home start are in your area? They were really brilliant and non judgemental when I asked for help. Try doing some easy meals, I bought the pre cut fruit/ veg for easy snacks. Honestly you are doing better than you think xx

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. It must be really hard trying to do it mostly alone with your partner away. Parenting a premature baby is much harder too, my last baby was also born 9 weeks early and it's something you don't understand until you experience it, I can understand why you are finding the parent groups not the right fit. Are there any playgroups for ex NICU anywhere near you? Ours started too late for us to join but I think it would be easier to find people you relate to. I hope that soon you have a house available to be with your partner, that will make a huge difference.