Offhand joke made at my 11 month old’s expense

[Rosemum24]

My family have come from the West Country to visit me and DD for a few days. We were out to dinner tonight at a steak restaurant and my sick elderly grandfather made a really disgusting joke about my little one. There was a steak knife on the table and he grabs it and starts offering it to her saying “you should let her play with this. It will solve all your problems and you can have your life back”…..

Also, unrelated but without saying anything or asking, he grabs my phone off the table and tries to unlock it (unsuccessfully) then just puts it back down without saying anything. Not related to the issue at hand but just goes to show, this dude SERIOUSLY lacks boundaries….

First off I’m fuming. Not just at the situation but at myself. I can be a massive pushover and I’m currently in therapy for partly this reason, but I didn’t say anything at all and just made a face. I’m so angry I didn’t stick up for her!!

I’m now sat thinking I should address the situation still as I don’t want another comment like that being made, and also I feel he should know that saying that was wrong and apologise. I’ve got breakfast with my Nan (his wife) tomorrow morning and I’m thinking of bringing it up.

Please can someone suggest what they would do in my position?

How old is he?

If it’s out of character and he hasn’t always been a twat, he may be in the early stages of dementia or Alzheimer’s.

He’s 79 but unfortunately he has always been a twat. He’s a misogynistic, racist pig but also my grandfather so I normally grin and bear it but this has really irked me!

I wouldn’t be particularly offended by this. It wasn’t very funny, but if he meant it as a joke 🤷🏼‍♀️.

Of course it depends on if he’s a massive bellend the rest of the time though.

Let this be the last time you put up with this behavior. Its really normal to wake up from people pleasing and cowering down in front of awful relatives when you have a new baby to protect. Maybe you were forced to “grin and bear it” as a child but you can choose otherwise now. So begin as you mean to go on. Just get up next time and say “No” firmly, as to a dog. And walk out.

Bring it up with him, not your Nan. She’ll have enough on her plate living with him.

Why are you wanting to make this shitty man’s behaviour another woman’s (your nan) problem? If you want to confront him then do it yourself. Leave your nan out of it.

Absolutely, and it’s more than an off-hand joke.

He sounds just like my FIL. Same generation too. My only solution is to minimise contact. Odious little man.

Also sounds like my mums new husband. I have also gone extremely low contact. Try to see my mum away from him as much as possible. And I never ever let my dc go there on their own.

I think you sound like you’re more annoyed at yourself for doing nothing than what he actually said.

To be honest, you should give yourself a hard time over stating silent about something that clearly annoyed you. You’re her voice, and you didn’t stick up for her when this oddball made a stupid comment.

Now use this current feeling of guilt, regret, weakness etc to make sure you always stick up for your child in the future. Remember how you feel now, and use it to find your voice the next time.

Why are you making it your nan's problem, grow up and address it with him yourself. But it sounds like he has form for this, so not sure what you're hoping to achieve anyway

I wouldn't do anything now. He is who he is and unlikely to change. Either limit contact, or if you can't or don't want to do that have a few comments in your back pocket to say at the time next time. Or just don't bother, it's likely to cause family ructions, or unpleasantness, and unlikely to change anything, and (sorry if this upsets you) but he might be dead soon. Also remember it's not your job to sort everyone out so that they all think "correctly". You don't need to take that on - other people opinions and thoughts and behaviour are none of your business. Also consider whether you have to see him that often? Is it worth rocking the boat over? I have a very dysfunctional family, many who are very traumatised, sensitive but opinionated and with contentious views very different to mine. They all fall out with each other all the time. I don't get involved in the drama and only speak up when I really need to, when it will achieve something, and when it affects me directly. My life is calmer and I am happier as a result. I think you've ticked the last box, but this incident wouldn't tick my first two boxes, although I probably would have made a jokey comment at the time if he'd said that about my DS, along the lines of "Alright grandpa, get back in your box, he's the best thing that's ever happened to me" or "let's keep all the knives away from grandpa". But I have that sort of SOH!

To clear up any confusion, I’m absolutely not planning on asking my Nan to speak to him on my behalf. I was just going to ask her advice on how she would approach the situation seeing as she knows him far better than me. I think after reading some of the replies here I’ll let it slide on this occasion but man up next time. Thanks for the advice all, and for the unnecessary comments telling me to grow up etc, take a look at your own lives before randomly insulting strangers on the internet 🙃

Ignore but be sure he’s not alone with your child.

In your position I’d guess his cognitive function is declining and be pleased I’m young. Youte not being a ‘pushover’ here, you’re having good manners. Your baby knows nothing of what’s been said.

Wtf picking on a baby. He sounds vile. Your poor Nan having to deal with his behaviour every day. Don't say anything to her she didn't say anything and is probably having to apologise for him a lot because men like him never apologise. I'd just keep your precious baby away from his venom. You clearly don't like conflict but in the future there may be times you do have to stand up for your baby.

This is so sad.

I think you should go the other way. Be at hers all the time, getting on his nerves. Any off colour comments, call him out immediately, i.e. “Jim, why are you being so racist/sexist/misogynistic/a creep/a pervert/a boomer”. Be AWFUL to him so he knows you’re not to be messed with.

To the knife comment, I'd have responded with 'what, when she stabs you with it...'
He sounds like a dickhead. No doubt he's only going to get worse as sadly with memory and cognition issues people can act a bit weird or stubborn or kind of inappropriate. Not always, but I guess you know what he's like.

I'd say just try and see him as infrequently as possible. And don't be afraid to tell him if something is offensive or not appropriate. You don't have to get angry but you can be firm.

Ahh hindsight is a wonderful thing op. Don't beat yourself up over it though, it's done and your dc hasn't been harmed by it.

I'm not particularly sensitive but it was a disgusting comment imo and a totally tasteless and awful 'joke'.

I would agree with your pp...say nothing this time, but don't stay quiet next time. You just HAVE to push past the awkwardness and your inner voice which tells you to be polite and not make a fuss or a scene.

If anything similar happens again, just a dead eyed stare and 'don't say things like that about my child Steve. That's an awful thing to say and it's not funny at all'.

Maybe he’s developing schizophrenia

He sounds a complete arse.
Poor nan having to put up with him, and of the generation where divorce was still a big deal.
Will he be there tomorrow? Can you see nan without him?

I don't think age has anything to do with it.
He's just a prick and probably always has been.

If I was thinking straight at the time I would have gone all “sorry I don’t get it, can you explain the joke to me” you could probably try it a day or so later. Doesn’t quite seem so funny when you try to explain it out!

@ButterCrackers

Ignore but be sure he’s not alone with your child

Yeah, agree with this. You’re not going to change him at his age.

It’s daft-speak. Take no notice.

Divorce is always a big deal. Don’t have kids if you’re not 100% certain you’ll stay together.

Some people (especially the older male generation) have a very strange sense of humour. Thankfully the world isn't accepting this humour anymore. I would give him daggers and give a smart response such as "we'll be throwing you in the fire soon" (hint at cremating him) lol 🔥 it's the only way he'll learn to keep his gob shut