I have a lovely, kind almost 4yo DS who... drives me crazy.
To paint a picture - my DC is a very boisterous and active child, a very boyish boy (as described by everyone who meets him). Since he started crawling at 5mo he's been non stop, a total live wire and fiercely independent. Whenever he would go into a new room, he will find the most dangerous thing to do and swiftly proceed to do it.
For the first 3 years of his life I had to have eyes on my back to prevent him from injuring himself, damaging things, etc. I constantly felt on edge when doing simple tasks like washing dishes as he would do something dangerous within seconds of me turning away. At one point I even had a concussion as he was constantly climbing, jumping on me and head banging me. He's very fidgety and has to touch everything, press every button he sees, darts in every direction his heart desires. He also has big, big emotions, he has huge tantrums when he doesn't get his way - throwing, hitting, shouting, the lot.
I won't even get into all the dangerous things he's managed to do as the list will be endless.
Both me and DH are very loving and involved parents and want what's best for him. Through some trial and error we've learned how to "manage" him and his impulses, how to help him with his big emotions etc. We take him out every day to burn energy and get fresh air, he has a great routine, very good diet, goes to a great forestry type nursery where they spend loads of time outdoors. When he's in good spirits he's intelligent, charming and cheeky, also very kind and loving.
My problem lies with myself really. I love my DC to bits, would do anything for him. However, I feel really bad admitting that I don't really enjoy spending time with him at the moment. I'm a calm and introverted person, who enjoys time on my own, reading, peaceful walks in nature - you get the gist. Because of my personality, I absolutely adored the newborn/baby period with all the snuggles, walks in the park, singing nursery rhymes, baby classes. However, since he turned 1.5 and he became this ball of energy and emotions, I've really struggled. I get touched out by his constant jumping and climbing on me, I get overstimulated by his rambunctiousness and I end up feeling angry and simply tired when I'm spending longer periods of time with him.
I've accepted that this is his personality and I don't want to change him - I know that things like being independent and curious are traits which are great to have as an adult. However, I really don't enjoy spending time with him right now and it makes me feel like a horrible mother. All of my mom friends talk about missing their DCs when they're away for a work trip, I don't feel this. My DH always talks proudly about how fun our DS is and I keep thinking to myself "I wish he was more chill". I feel selfish even thinking these things as I truly believe that parenting is a selfless act and the important one isn't me, it's my DC. It shouldn't matter how I feel, I should just get on with life and parenting the best I can, but the truth is I do have these feelings and I'm so scared of how this will affect my relationship with DC. I do struggle with my MH, I have GAD which I think plays a part in all these thoughts/feelings I have.
I fear that I can't relate to him at all and that he'll somehow sense this. I fear that he'll prefer his dad over me as he enjoys spending time and playing with him. I fear that I'm not the best mother for him. I fear that we're so different that he wouldn't enjoy spending time with me when he's an adult.
It doesn't help that I'm incredibly similar to my DM - she's similarly a calm, relaxing person who enjoys a more..."soft life" if I can use that term. We share similar hobbies and growing up we spent loads of time doing crafty things together which I think has created an idea that I'll have this with my own child.
I try to do relaxing activities with him like reading books, crafts, painting, baking, however even then he's very fidgety, jumping in his chair, pressing every button in the kitchen (if baking), will attempt to draw on the table/walls if I don't catch him quickly enough (it all happens in the matter of milliseconds!) and it just stresses me out. Because of this I've found that my best bet when spending time with him is taking him out to a playground/soft play as at least then I wouldn't have to be on my toes trying to predict every naughty or dangerous thing he'll try to do, but this feels to me like I'm trying to "pass the time" and not actively spend time with my DC.
I'll be grateful for any advice about how to start enjoying my DC, how to truly accept him for who he is and how to not have these thoughts and fears that bother me so much. Anyone who's been in the same boat - I'll be happy to hear your thoughts and experiences too.