Resent/regret new baby

[charliecha]

8 weeks old tomorrow. Life is fucking miserable. All he does is cry, refuse to be put down ever, refuse to sleep unless he is strapped to my chest which is making me feel absolutely touched out. He will absolutely not sleep anywhere but on me during the day and I can’t do it anymore. His sleep at night is rubbish. He refuses to sleep past 4/5 so my days start ridiculously early. I would do anything to return to my old life with just my older son, life was amazing and enjoyable and was the complete opposite as a baby. I can’t do it anymore. My 3 year old is getting neglected because I’m constantly with the screaming baby, I miss him so painfully much. My partner works away Monday - Friday. All I do at the minute is cry. How I feel right now is I could just walk out the door and leave him behind. I feel like I’m at breaking point. My mental load is humongous and I feel like I’ve got a million tabs open in my brain. I just feel resentful and like I don’t really have a bond with him. My bond with my first was completely different, I never felt remotely like this. The main thing is the refusing to be put down or nap without being glued to me, how on earth can I get him to do this? I need to be present with my older son, the carrier is all well and good but it’s still restrictive and I need to be able to breathe.

OP, I have no useful advice but wanted to let you know I empathise. I detested the first 18 months with DD, she was asleep for two hours and awake for four on a 24 hour cycle for all of that time, I honestly don't know how any of us made it through. Looking back at pictures, me and DH look like a couple of drug addicts we were so broken. I also had PND in a bad way, I resented DD and myself for bringing this screaming ball of chaos into our lives.

HOWEVER, once we hit about 2 things took a huge turn for the better, I know it's miles away for you yet OP but things will get better and the light at the end of the tunnel isn't a train. I wouldn't swap DD for the world, I can't express in words how much I love her and what I'd do for her (I never had a second child though!).

Hang in there OP. You can do this and remember, fed and clean is good enough, for everyone!

This is THE WORST bit. I don't remember the first 2 months with my eldest because it was so awful. Between 2 months and 6 months it dramatically improved (although, being honest, not his sleeping. That took until he was 3)

Take any offers of help you can - hopefully your mum has a sturdy constitution if he's a velcro baby, I remember coming back after my first evening out ever after kids, when DS1 was 1, to MIL sat outside on the wall having a cigarette, while all we could hear from the house was screaming (FIL was inside pacing with him). DS1 is fine. No permanent damage done (although they didn't offer to babysit again until he was a lot older)

Forgive yourself for not feeling happy all the time, accept ALL the help, and speak to your health visitor/GP about possible PND.

You absolutely will get through this. In a matter of months (possibly weeks) things will start to even out as your baby develops into a routine.

I wouldn’t usually suggest this, but are you breastfeeding? If you are, you might find it easier to introduce some bottle feeds to help with the “touched out” feelings. And if all else fails, stick them in-front of the TV for 10 minutes with hey bear on so that you can have a cup of tea in peace. These are not the mum of the year awards, it’s about survival!

Hi OP I hope you see this. Look into baby chiropractor. Could be a million reasons why baby is screaming but I really really really would look into this. It worked for my friend. Baby was in a lot of pain and severely constipated. Baby had alignment and had blow out in the room straight away and fell asleep with 10 minutes.

Of course not! Call her NOW

My 3rd baby wa slime this after 2 that were so easy . She ended up having silent reflux and was a fully in pain . Have you tried anything to help him? As much as people sometimes believe babies cry non stop it’s actually not normal to be crying all day . Maybe a milk allergy , colics , a slow digestive track ?
Try to remeber its temporary . He needs you

Not a bad parent at all. In fact, it’s the opposite. It’s so important for your bigger one to have some 1-1 time with mummy. Definitely take her up on the offer of it. I am 2 years in with my second, and even now, my 5 year old really values 1-1 time so if my mum offers to have the little one, I jump at the chance of some quality time with him xx

Not a bad parent to spend some one on one time with your other child at all. Plus baby gets in some bonding with a grandparent. Sounds like a great plan. But it would also be ok for grandparent to watch both while you have an hour to yourself too you can't pour from an empty cup and all that.

I had a velcro baby too and I hated it as soon as he could crawl it was fine

Of course you wouldn’t
But I do ask myself why do these men have babies knowing they ‘work away’ for extensive periods of time. Being physically absent is not conducive to a purposeful family life. Get a job closer to home or don’t have kids! Leads to far too many situations like poor OP who has the whole lot dumped on her

That sounds like a great idea. You can have a break and some time with your 3 year old, and baby can have some uninterrupted cuddles.
Have you checked with a doctor if he potentially has silent reflux? Our third did and once she started reflux medication she was like a different baby. Before that she would scream inconsolably even when being walked around the room, only sleep for tiny stretches and better upright, and never wanted to be put down. She wasn't a sicky baby, just occasional small spit ups, but was constantly tensing and arching her back as signs of it.

Because they need the money from their established career usually. If OP is able to be a SAHM due to his earnings then the set up will work well once the baby is out of this stage, likely it will be easier than both working in lower paid jobs and juggling childcare drop offs and rushed evenings. You can't predict having an unsettled baby either.

Absolutely take your mum up on her offer. I used to give the baby to whoever came over so I could play with my toddler. You have my sympathies, my husband was only away two nights a week and I found it so hard. I remember clock watching, splitting the day into 15 minute segments.

It sounds really hard OP - I would definitely take your mum up on her offer. You are a brilliant mum - I had PND and PNA and felt like this with my one and done child so it must be harder for you, especially with your husband being away

I had a truly miserable non-sleeping baby. I very much felt the way you do now and the bond was very slow to come. It started getting better when I finally broke and sleep-trained at around 10 months old, and by the time he was a toddler things were much, much better, although I was left traumatised by his first year (I am not using that term flippantly) and those feelings did persist into the school years.

But fast-forward to now, that miserable non-sleeping baby is an absolutely awesome young adult who is truly one of my favourite people and makes me killer G&Ts on demand :)

Hopefully things will settle down much sooner for you, but I guess I just wanted to say that parenthood is a very long journey and sometimes things can take longer to fall into place than we expect or are led to believe.

We don't know that she is a SAHM, she's currently presumably on maternity leave. I had the husband working away thing and it was hell at this stage. And he hadn't always worked away either, he mysteriously decided to do this after I was pregnant and we had a toddler. It was fucking awful and I really struggled.

OP call in help wherever you can. We are not intended to be alone 24/7 with such small children unsupported. It's miserable and can make you unwell.

I agree with @QuickPeachPoet

My daughter was like this. Eventually she was diagnosed with severe silent reflux and multiple food allergies. She was a different baby after I removed dairy and soya from my diet at 17 weeks and she was put on the highest dose of omperazole. She was over a year old before we finally got her to a place of symptoms free but the beginning of the end with good days to balance the bad started at 18 weeks.

I remember Googling how to put my very much wanted daughter up for adoption around 10-12 weeks. I was utterly broken by it all. It was 2020 so zero family support because of lockdown restrictions and vulnerable family members. I ended up in a mother and baby unit with severe treatment resistant depression and psychosis. I had a risk factors for it but it was also acknowledged that coping with my daughter alone with little support during those long first 6 months was a significant catalyst in my mental health episode. Do reach out for as much support as you can get through family and professionals. My HV arranged listening appointments for me where a member of the HV team would come and talk to me rather than check on baby it was really helpful to have a place where I didn't have to be playing the role of besotted new mum. She also arranged for me to have one on one baby massage course at home to help with bonding and that was really helpful and referred me to a separate service for bonding therapy which was absolutely the best thing for my pnd. I'd try reaching out to your HV to see what they can offer in your area. I know the service can be patchy but they can offer support beyond weighing baby!

My HV also gave me the contact details for a peer support group for mums that are struggling and that was really useful to know I wasn't alone.

My daughter is now 4.5 and I am now pregnant with number 2. It did take quite a bit of time to feel capable of potentially going through an awful first year again but the joy she has brought in the following year has made the gamble feel worth while. The days and weeks feel impossibly long right now but there will come a time when it's an amusing story your tell your child about how they never slept and were always in your arms. Deep breaths and get as much support as you can. You are a strong capable woman but you don't have to do this alone. Take care

Not a bad parent at all to do this. Sounds really sensible. Take her up on it more often if she is happy to!

Of course you’re not being a bad parent to get some help from your mum. I think it’s a good idea.

Haven’t read the whole chain but jsut wanted to say I’m so sorry you are having a rough time. This was me not so long ago and it was so awful. Baby with reflux wouldn’t lay down, I hardly slept and she was on me all day. I found it hard to function let alone give my older child what they needed.

I just want to say and I’m sure you know this, it’s going to get better. Not magically overnight but bit by bit. My baby is now about to turn 1 and it’s so much better and I’m so much happier.

in the meantime, would cosleeping help? Sling or wrap and get out for a walk with a podcast. I also found I could put baby in the wrap and do something at the table with my older one like crafting or drawing etc. Take your mums help and have some one on one time with your older one. It’ll do you so much good and won’t affect baby at all.

also consider if there are reflux issues ? My baby was sick all the time but my son also has silent reflux which wasn’t as obvious as there was no sick! Not being able to lay down could be a symptom of that.

I would also suggest maybe speaking to your doctor or HV. It’s ok to say you are finding it tough and to get some support and help.

sending love xx

I remember feeling awful and full of guilt for my eldest DC who was 2 when her brother arrived. She had been my entire world and suddenly my new screaming baby was on me all day and night.

OP another thing that helped my baby was a ‘swaddle up’. My brother said the other day it was the best thing anyone bought them for a baby and they buy them for all of their friends as it helps them to settle and stops them waking if they morrow. It was amazing.

Ask your Mum, I became a Nan 4 months ago and went to their house every day after work to have the baby for a couple of hours. DD could have a bath, a meal and a break. I still go, my bond with GD is fabulous.

Definitely ask your mum to have the baby. I had my second when my first was only 18 months. My baby was really difficult and I felt exactly the same, I actually stopped BF after a couple of months just so someone else could at least give her a bottle. She was much more settled once on comfort milk. It’s really hard so be kind to yourself. I had PND, there is no harm in seeing your GP for a chat if you feel you need to, mine was so kind, I burst into tears there and felt a million times better afterwards. It gradually gets better everyday, my youngest is 9 months now and watching my toddler and her together is so lovely, I feel silly for feeling so guilty.