Resent/regret new baby

[charliecha]

8 weeks old tomorrow. Life is fucking miserable. All he does is cry, refuse to be put down ever, refuse to sleep unless he is strapped to my chest which is making me feel absolutely touched out. He will absolutely not sleep anywhere but on me during the day and I can’t do it anymore. His sleep at night is rubbish. He refuses to sleep past 4/5 so my days start ridiculously early. I would do anything to return to my old life with just my older son, life was amazing and enjoyable and was the complete opposite as a baby. I can’t do it anymore. My 3 year old is getting neglected because I’m constantly with the screaming baby, I miss him so painfully much. My partner works away Monday - Friday. All I do at the minute is cry. How I feel right now is I could just walk out the door and leave him behind. I feel like I’m at breaking point. My mental load is humongous and I feel like I’ve got a million tabs open in my brain. I just feel resentful and like I don’t really have a bond with him. My bond with my first was completely different, I never felt remotely like this. The main thing is the refusing to be put down or nap without being glued to me, how on earth can I get him to do this? I need to be present with my older son, the carrier is all well and good but it’s still restrictive and I need to be able to breathe.

Im not sure if this could possibly be some form of PND going off symptoms. I’m not sure if it’s just because I have a difficult baby though.

8 weeks was when I started to get more of a routine with both my children. Up until then it felt very much like I was in the trenches!

Could you speak to your health visitor for some support, you could have PND and they’ll be equipped to help. Sending strength though, I don’t remember the newborn stage particularly fondly…

My second was very, very difficult.Exactly like this. It got better gradually. He hasnt given me a spot of trouble since the age of 3. Hang in there.
You may well have PND. I did.

8 weeks is the trenches my friend. It’s blood hard work. Do you have a peer support groups in your area? Or home start?
reach out to support services, they will make such a difference.

The bond will come. I think resentfullness is normal at this stage. just try to keep everyone fed and alive.

It’s so hard, especially with your partner away. I paid for a nanny to do two hours every evening for a couple of weeks while my husband was away so that I could put my 3 year old to bed without the baby screaming. Is this a possibility?( sorry if it’s not and sounds insensitive). I then found out that my baby had a milk allergy and terrible reflux which was causing the distress. You need to see your GP and health visitor. It will get better.

it’s not you, it’s really really hard going and the crying is intense, the sleeplessness nights unbearable.

keep going, focus only on the hour and it does get better.

would I be a bad parent for asking my mum to have baby sometimes so I can go out and spend 1:1 time with my older boy? She has offered a few times if I want to do this she will look after baby. I didn’t think I would take her up on it as I never wanted to be apart from him when he was at this age, but I would happily pass this baby to anyone who will take him to be honest. Maybe every other week or so.

Could your partner take some A/L so you can have a bit of support? Do you have any family support?

I think it's worth talking to the HV and your GP about how your geeling but also about the baby.

If your baby is crying constantly, does he have any other symptoms? Could it be wind or reflux? My daughter had terrible reflux and the first 8 month were very tricky. My neice cried contantly and My SIL took her for cranial osteopathy and frankly she got back a new child. So that might be worth a try.

It 8 weeks your in the thick of things. I know it doesn't seem like it at the moment because your exhausted, touched out, overwhelmed and probably feel like shit but it will get better.

Also, it might be worth checking out If there's a local homestart that could offer you some support.

https://www.home-start.org.uk/

Can your partner take leave? Has the baby been assessed for reflux? You also need to speak to someone about PND.

It will get better but you need all the help you can get now. You need some patches of time by yourself and alone with your 3 year old.

Call your GP, call the health visitor, call any supportive family they are nearby (if any) and call your partner and tell him this is an emergency and you need support - somehow - for a few weeks.

Not bad at all. Take your mum up.onngje offer. Honestly I felt the same as you and when I started to accept help from others I felt so so much better. I also had PND and after seeing my GP it helped more. These first few months are so difficult so if your mum is happy to help take her up on it. Even if it's to have a bath or shower, just some time for you will help you feel better. Sending hugs to you op, it's so hard xxx

You would be a good parent to do this. Do it. Spend a little time with your older child.

All this is very normal and you will get through it, but do see your GP.

Absolutely take your mum up on her offer – more often than once every two weeks if she's willing. Take a bit of that time just for you if you possibly can, even if that's just to have a leisurely shower.

Is there anyone else who might be willing to help occasionally, even if it's just being the one actually holding the baby still in the house? I still remember how amazing it felt when a friend walked a screaming DD2 up and down the hallway until she fell asleep whilst I actually ate a meal without juggling a screaming newborn.

Does baby have any signs of reflux or CMPA? DD2 screamed for most of her first eight weeks with severe reflux, but the right medication made a world of difference.

Could you afford to get a postnatal doula to come help you out a couple times a week? Let you catch up on sleep, spend time with your older child, help out a bit around the house?

Ah man, I totally feel for you. You're in the thick of it. But the other side isn't far off. Definitely call in reinforcements. I learnt the hard way. NEVER turn down well meaning help.

I'm sure you've tried but give white noise ago. And put baby down. If he cries for a little so be it. You need to take a little care of yourself during this time. (Not for extended periods, but grab a glass of water etc) he thinks he's still part of you. This stage will end soon. But in the meantime...get your mom in for an hour or two, bathe, relax and sleep whenever you can. Fuck the house work and if you can extend to it financially, get the 3yo into nursery or a childminder for a few mornings or a full day if you can. It will benefit them massively to have routine away from baby and unhindered time to play and explore.

You've got this. X

My first child was like this. He would cry half the night. Took him to a cranial osteopath and he calmed down a lot. He also had bad reflux.

Is there anyway your mum could stay a couple of nights mid week to give you a bit of help while your partner is away? There is no shame in this.

God yes to your Mum helping!
You and your older child will enjoy some time together and baby will be looked after.
Some babies are just furious at the world but worth considering the osteopath and if reflux maybe is an issue? He sounds like a sensitive soul.

@charliecha No you wouldn't be a bad mum at all for asking for help. It's quite literally what Grannies are for.

You know the offer is there. Take it. If she's not too far away get her to pop in even at bed time so you can get time with the oldest.

I assume oldest is still in nursery. And try to get out every day, baby group or walk in the park.
Even ask on your local FB group if their are any other Mums who fancy a joining you for a walk round the local park

Absolutely grab this opportunity!

My second was like this (colic) and it was fucking dreadful. Only logistics and a small voice saying it would be bad for DC1 if I died - thought it would be better for DC2 as she wouldn't remember me, stopped me from killing myself.

They are both now lovely teenagers but I still shudder to think about that time.
My advice is take any help you can get, try speaking to the health visitor, maybe you can get some pnd treatment.

I had no help, husband with a big job, had just moved counties so I didn't know anyone and never got any medical help. It took me a good few years to get over it psychologically.

If your mum is there and willing to help really do lean on her.

It's very hard. You're going to be fine. Take alllll the help. If you feel it's more than just the sometimes grim reality of having an 8 week old and a 3 year old then make sure you see the GP.

Do you have any childcare for the 3 year old? Send them if you can. Pop the baby down and put some white noise of similar on, yes they'll cry a bit but they'll be ok.

Sending hugs, it will get better.

This would be perfect. Not every other week, every other day if she is up for it. Also, don't only use the time with your son, also use the time for some alone time, doing something you enjoy.
Don't feel at all guilty about having a trustworthy relative help with the baby - the baby just wants to be cuddled and doesn't really mind who.

100% do this! It will not make you a bad mum at all. Plus all the other suggestions to search out some help/respite. I found toddler/baby groups the best - it didn't fix how hard it was, but was a massive support sharing and hearing that other people had similar issues. I hope things get a little easier soon

Have you had baby weighed recently to ensure he is gaining enough weight and not hungry especially if you are breastfeeding?
Definitely reach out to health visitor/Gp to check on weight, silent reflux or other health issue.
. This time can be tough.
It is not uncommon to take time to bond with your second and feel resentful that you can’t spend time with your 3 yr old but as others have said it would be worth being screened for PND
You should definitely ask for help from your mum to take baby so you can have time with your toddler. Ask her to stay if that’s appropriate.
I’ve stayed and helped with my DD and DIL to catch up with sleep and self care time.
It is way too hard to be in your situation alone.
You might like to listen to the podcast motherkind and search the episodes on Matresence which discusses this tough time.
Best wishes.

Don't hesitate to take up the offer of help OP. You're frazzled (rightfully so) and it will do you the world of good to have at least a couple of hours to yourself or with DS. More often than fortnightly if your mum is keen. It will get the baby used to other people and will hopefully stop you reaching breaking point. Please do speak to the HV/GP too, in case you have developed PND.

Take any and all help offered to you! I can't imagine how hard that must be on your own Monday to Friday. My second was hard work due to reflux but at least I wasn't flying solo.

Talking of reflux is it worth a chat with the GP or HV to see if that might be why he's crying? Could explain him liking being upright in the carrier.