i’m an awful mum

[justtryingherbest]

i don’t know what i’m looking for here. i just feel so lonely and out of my depth here. i’m trying so hard to be the best i can be for my children

their dad and i split in january after awful behavior from him. we were together 10 years and i of course miss him, but what he did ruined our relationship and i couldn’t carry on.

he only sees the children one day a week for a few hours and occasionally has our son overnight - i wont let him have my daughter as he drinks often and heavily

so i know im dealing with a lot with little support

but my son is the most gentle gorgeous boy ever and ive just screamed in his face because i just saw red and lost it. i scared both him and his sister and i feel like he had a sort of panic attack. i honestly feel so awful i dont feel like i deserve to be their mummy im embarrassed at my behavior

i am on anti depressants anyway and have been generally fine for years but im wondering whether i should talk to my GP about an increase whilst im going through this tough time

i feel like im trying so hard to keep my shit together but inside i’m just falling apart. i miss my ex, our family, what we could have had. im heartbroken and trying to raise my children in a loving home and it just feels so hard

You are going through an incredibly tough time and bearing the mental load of raising 2 children whilst coping with your own mental health. Please forgive yourself, you are only human. Take a breath. Ask for help from family or friends if you need to and absolutely see your gp if you feel that would help.

Once you feel together, give your boy a cuddle. Kids are very forgiving. X

How old are your children? And is your son ok now?

You could ask them about betablockers like proporanalol as they help with the physical affects of anxiety that can cause panic etc.

Definitely ask your GP to increase your dose of anti-depressants.

If you haven't already, apologise to your children and explain that you were very upset and stressed and took it out on them, but that it wasn't their fault at all.

Firstly sounds rough...no one is perfect and you sound like you're close to your limit.

How old are your children? (So people can give age appropriate advice...)

Also - Why is your son going to spend overnights with his heavy drinking father but not your dd? Do you have a court order in place or is there an option where you could just refuse contact?

You are dealing with alot for the sounds of it.
The kids are going through this with you just because they are kids dont mean they dont see hear or feel things they pick up on it.
But what did your child do for you to lose your rag with him?
Op your doing you very best but you need to help yourself aswell.

so my son is 4 and he asks and asks and asks to go for sleepovers. the only saving grace i have is that his dad lives with his parents, so really its his nanny that’s looking after him when he’s there. he adores his dad and obviously wants to see him. it’s a tough situation because i can’t prove he’s still drinking even though i have suspicions that he hasn’t stopped or cut back! but like i say, i cant prove it. my daughter is 1 and luckily i can still use the excuse that she breastfeeds at night so can’t stay over.

i apologised to him, profusely. i told him i shouldn’t have ever spoken to him like that and it was really awful of mummy. we had a huge hug and i promised him it wouldn’t happen again. he said sorry also as he knew he was being difficult but i told him he didn’t need to say sorry, i knew he was just tired. i am just very very stressed. my family all live around 10-20 miles away so my support system is at least a 25 minute drive away so i’m wondering whether moving closer to them would help my mental health and know that i’ve got some stability there

Moving near your family sounds like a great idea. And you sound like a lovely mum. You lost your rag but you apologised and offered hugs and love.

Please reach out to your mum and tell her you need moral support. That's what mum's are for.

You're doing the right thing asking for help.

Is he ok? You need to sit and really apologise to him and let him know you're going to work on how you're feeling.

Why are you happy to send him to his Dad's but not your daughter?

Edit: Sorry think you've answered this and I missed it.

he’s absolutely fine now. he woke up crying in the night and i just brought him into my bed, we cuddled loads and i told him itll not happen again. and im going to make sure it doesn’t.

im seriously going to look into moving closer to my family, my sister has been a huge support and even said yesterday her being able to help me out for the odd hour every other day etc would take a lot of pressure off me, and i know it would.

in regards to sending him to his dads but not his sister, im not comfortable with it at all. but how can i refuse when hes distraught and obviously affected by not seeing him? and i cant prove that his dads drinking until unfortunately something happens where i have got solid proof. it’s all just a very stressful, shit situation

Please don’t be so hard on yourself.

Your world has been completely rocked and everything you have known is changed and up in the air.

Get yourself to the GP and have a chat and see what they can do with regards to changing your medication and offering support.

Have a search online for local support for newly single/struggling parents. There will be many people in similar situations to you.

If you can, definitely look at moving closer to family and don’t feel bad for asking for help.

Things may seem terrible right now but your split is so fresh and new. The future will be better for you and you’re doing a great job.

Give yourself a break. Everyone loses their patience once in a while.

I'm guessing your DD is younger & more vulnerable and less self sufficient. 1-3yrs
if his granny is there and he's desperate to go i understand how it's hard to say no.

Can you try and arrange day outings instead so you can supervise and he's less.likely to be wasted?

Id also 💯 look good move back near your family.
My mum is 10 mins drive and it's a lifesaver.
Look to be living either equidistant from them both or in a little triangle.

@LivingLaVidaBabyShower yeah exactly, she’s only 15 months and he dropped her when she was 3 weeks old (looking back i know feel like he’d been drinking) so she can’t tell me if anything happens. i also feel like when my ex has had a few drinks his patience is very slim so dealing with a baby also im not sure whether he’d lose his rag a bit….says me after coming on here and shouting at my son but yes it’s hard.

he only has the children when i work on saturdays, i think in his head that’s him ‘doing me a favour’ so i have zero time to myself apart from an hour or so in the evenings when ive finished tidying. i’m barely eating because one the washing and cleaning is done im too exhausted and sometimes fall asleep around 7pm when my children do. i did last night and woke up at 10:30pm

all of your lovely response have made me feel very tearful but in a lovely way thank you all for being so supportive

men can be bloody cruel and it’s been years of gaslighting for me to realise i deserve someone better

Is he at least paying his way financially for the kids?

Do you have other family members to lean on for support?

You are doing your best. The situation before must have been far worse.we all have a breaking point. My ex H tried to kill me. My youngest ds was 5, we had all the court appearances, including one where he tried to have the kids taken away, he didn't want them, but didn't want me to have them. It was High Court,as originally attempted murder, lovely older lady judge, asked if they wanted to see him they said no. Oldest DD was 12, I put him through therapy. Ex H cleaned out the bank account and ran.. house repossession. Only child, DF told me he was getting married,hoped I wasn't going to get divorced and cause a scandal,he didn't want his lady friend upset! My friends didn't believe h was capable of such things. It was absolute hell. I got through,you will.

@DaisyChain505 hes paying the bills for the house whilst it’s selling. so yes he’s making sure we have a roof over our heads, but i only work a couple of days a week so i physically couldn’t afford to do that. so he doesn’t have much choice in that sense or his children would be homeless. but i do have to ask for help with food shops etc i think he likes that i still ‘need’ him so to speak as he never offers, i always have to ask

Get an appointment with your local citizens advice centre and also your council so you can figure out what your situation and options with help going forward will be.