Is this parenting or borderline abuse?

[charl87x]

My son has ADHD. He was diagnosed last year but i have suspected he had it since he was 3. He’s now 9. My dp (son’s Dad), always said he was just ‘naughty’. And that I am not strict enough with him and blamed me for his behaviour by allowing it. My son really struggles to regulate his emotions and his reactions to things are so big. And I calmly help him to regulate and although it takes time (10-20 minutes) he does eventually calm down. I pick my battles with my son, for example at bed time i say it’s bed time in 10 minutes because he can’t cope with just abruptly stopping what he is doing so i give him a time where dp will say its bed time now and literally man handle him to his room and then when son starts crying for me dp gets annoyed and says it’s my fault and i try to explain my way of doing things but he says it ‘painful’ to watch because as a parent i should not have to give him time and he should do as i say immediately. Or if his sister is playing with one of his toys and son doesn’t like it I will explain to both of them that they have to share and after a few minutes take it off my daughter to give to my son but dp will literally snatch it off our son for our dd (who will now be crying because she is a lot younger and doesn’t quite understand sharing yet) leaving our son is tears. But then he says i’m to laid back but in that situation i’m teaching our dd how to share and giving them both time with the toy. I feel like ds annoys dp and he can’t do anything right. If he puts to much sauce on his plate, he moans at him, if he splashes in the bath, he moans at him it’s literally anything and everything and it breaks my heart. Even with the diagnosis it has not changed how dp is with ds and he now thinks we should be even stricter with him and make zero allowances for any negative behaviour.

Your DP needs to attend some parenting classes aimed at those for children with ADHD.
My DH was like this in the early years, we almost divorced over it tbh because he just couldn’t parent the way DS needed parenting. (Saying 10 mins to bedtime, giving notice for things etc). It was distressing to see the effect that kind of parenting had on DS. I absolutely wouldn’t have stayed with him if he hadn’t changed.

Google what is in your area, for us it was offered through CAMHS where DS got his medication reviews, some areas is through NHS I think.

My children and grandchildren are NT. We've always given notice of bedtime routine for all of them. . Why wouldn't you. It's good manners to start with.

Giving notice is standard good parenting for all children. As an adult I would be annoyed if some one told me I had to stop something I was in the middle of immediately just because they said so. DH sounds quite controlling and micromanaging as a parent. Do you do most of the parenting?

It’s hard to come to terms with a ND child. Did he attend any of the doctor appointments? Does he think the dr was wrong in the diagnosis? Was the diagnosis recent?

I do have an issue with making you’re kids share toys. What are the rules do you have about toys? We say the other child has to ask before taking a toy from the other’s bedroom and tbey have to ask each other if they can play in their siblings room.

How about you go up to partner when he is sitting scrolling or watching TV and take the device or remote control and demand he go wash his hands NOW as dinner is ready.
Do a few more of these also thar he gets educated or he can sling his hook.
It is obviously distressing the child needlessly. He is bullying him.
Do not tolerate your child being treated like that abused in his own home.
Details can be smoothed out. I agree with a pp. I don't see why each child should not be in charge of their own property. Looking after it including stowing away so as not to get trodden on. Deciding when how who may have the use of.
That's part of autonomy.
In nursery etc the toys beong to the nursery so they decide who uses them. This can be explained to children.
You are amenable to reason and don't assume you know it all. So you will adapt as necessary for the good of your children.
Partner has a problem. Don't let it make your child's life a misery.
All the best.

@AaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaYes, I do majority of parenting. He does the bare minimum and it annoys me when he picks and chooses when to parent him because when he does he’s horrible to him. He didn’t attend the initial appointments, only the diagnosis appointment and even with the diagnosis he doesn’t believe he has ADHD. With toys, we have some in the living room and most time my daughter will pick up one of my son’s toy that he’s not playing with but then my son see’s this and wants it so i tell him he wasn’t playing with it and give dd a few minutes with it then you can have it back. But he struggles with sharing because he thinks if someone (could be anyone) is playing with his toy he won’t get it back and I try to teach him it’s ok to share and that it’s still his toy.

This will be a horrendous parenting experience if he does not get on board with how to effectively handle your son

does he not find it hard and upsetting to be like that ?

sadly he is not alone I know a few dads who think the way to manage their child ( NT or not ) is the be authoritative and extra strict and is so horrible to be around

he will damage his relationship with his son and with you as this is not good team work

Ask DP how he would feel if he was in the middle of something and was told to stop it right that second and do something else. Then ask him how he’d feel about being manhandled into the second thing if he was too slow.

He sounds horrible & I wonder if he had traits himself so finds it difficult to accept?

Could you write up a family schedule so DS and DP know what to expect ? Failing that I think you may need to separate to protect your child as it could be quite damaging.

Your Dp is a bully. I don’t think this is actually anything to do with ADHD (and I say that as the mum to a 12 year old with complex needs). I think he would find any reason to pick on your son. My gut instinct response is you need to leave him to put your son first but the worrying thing is then potentially dp would have him on his own which would be even worse. You need to tell dp he’s being horrible and his behaviour is unacceptable.

@converseandjeansironically, he has self diagnosed himself with ADHD but our son is in his eyes just naughty. My son despises his Dad and voices it daily. He tells his Dad he doesn’t love him and dp just responds with ‘i don’t care’ i’m not just going to let you get away with everything like your Mum does’. And that’s frustrating for me to hear because i don’t. I just don’t feel that my ds is doing anything wrong for the most part. It’s just his emotions and regulating them he needs support with. He also stims a lot and this really annoys dp and I’ve explained it’s a way for him to regulate and concentrate but dp thinks he does it to annoy him. I feel am fighting a losing battle trying to get dp to understand ADHD and our son 😢

I think that’s an awful way for your “D”P to respond. I think even NT DC will sometimes tell you that they don’t love you.

My youngest has a diagnosis of AuDHD and has said it a few times. We always try and reply with something along the lines of “well I love you every minute of every day”. I might occasionally add “but I don’t like how you’re behaving right now”, depending on how bloody awful they are being…

My DH also found the assessments and diagnosis difficult.

As you probably know, ADHD can be hereditary and for my DH I think he thought that everything going on was just how he was as a child and completely normal. It also doesn’t help that DH and DC2 are very similar on some ways, both exceptionally stubborn, both have ADHD rejection dysmorphia and both, like a lot of people with ADHD they can be a little immature for their years.

If your “D”P thinks that he has ADHD, can he see similarities in how he behaved as a DC? If so, how did his DParents deal with his behaviour?

After my DC2 was diagnosed I’ve sought assessment myself. Is this something your “D”P is willing to do? Maybe going through the process will help him have a deeper understanding of how he reacts to situations involving your DS.

And what tactics is he using to improve his own emotional regulation and how he deals with DS? Things like running, any exercise really, meditation, limiting his own screen time and maybe finding the support of an ADHD Coach?

Ultimately though if he’s not willing to step up an start addressing his own behaviour then ultimately you will probably need to split to protect your DS because yes, right now your “D”P’s behaviour is abusive.

He probably recognises traits of himself in DS. However it all sounds really toxic & unpleasant. I think you probably need to stick up for DS & potentially leave to protect him.