4yo - behaviour problems in reception

[nanodyne]

Hello - I'm looking for advice on handling behaviour problems that have steadily been getting worse since my eldest son started reception. He attended nursery prior to school (4 days per week from around 9 months old) and has always been stubborn but pleasant. Despite being an August baby, neither we nor nursery had any qualms about him starting school as he seemed very ready.

He settled well at school and as far as we were aware was doing well. At his first parents evening the teacher highlighted some attention issues but was otherwise happy with how he'd settled too - I chalked the attention stuff up to being so young.

At the more recent parents evening further concerns were raised about disruptive behaviour and outbursts, which have now escalated to hitting other children. I fully believe the school that this is happening, because we've seen a huge ramp up in explosive temper tantrums/outbursts at home which tend to get taken out on me or DH, especially if we protect his little brother from them. He's doing great on the academics side, and he was very quick to speak as a baby so no delays or anything that might be causing extra frustration.

We don't know what to do to help him handle himself better. He doesn't seem to care about any punishments we use (withholding treats or tv time, timeouts) and there are only so many immediate consequences you can offer to someone so young anyway.. school have a behaviour plan for him (focused on calming and recognising when he's becoming upset), but he just tells them what they want to hear and then cracks on with whatever he was going to do regardless. We've noticed that he's very good at absorbing the "correct" language to talk about what's going on without it seeming to have any impact or meaning for him. In fact, he tries to flip things around on us in most cases, using the language he's acquired. We're at our wits end with it, and I'm exhausted from fielding his moods and attacks at this point.

Does anyone have any tips for getting him to reign in the aggression and handle his moods better? I'm worried that he's going to end up excluded if he can't control himself..

TL:DR Reception kid is increasingly unstable and becoming aggressive, how can we sort it out?

Any changes at home? House move, sibling, change in jobs or routine? Something is bothering him and although he is articulate he's struggling to express it.

His behaviour is trying to tell you something. What do you think it is?

Have the school said what is happening before hand?

@nanodyne could you elaborate a bit on him "telling the school what they want to hear then carrying on"? Do you mean he's saying sorry/telling them he is (for example) feeling frustrated, but then lashing out/disrupting again? And when you say he "flips things around" -how exactly? Like, do you tell him to stop doing something (screaming for example) and he'll say "you're making me"?

Just trying to get a better idea of what's happening xx

I know you say he speaks well but I’d recommend doing this simple progress checker. I have one DC that has problems with communication but it can be very hard fir a lot of people to spot, even us for a while.

@Springadorable no changes at all, or at least, nothing at home and I'm not aware of anything at school that I could point to. It's partly why we're clueless on what to do, we don't really know why it's happening.

@picturethispatsy I guess that's the million dollar question.. at home it's usually down to frustration with himself - something going wrong or not as he'd like - or being frustrated i.e. told he can't do something.

@Sunshineclouds11 sometimes they do - usually it's when he doesn't have control of a situation (being told to do something) or if he feels left out. He has plenty of friends, so it's seeming more like the "being told no" thing again. It's strange though because we've always being quite strong with boundaries and no's, so it seems like an extreme response to something that isn't really new.

Yes, exactly that sort of thing - apologising to get it over with, talking through the plan with them and being very positive and on-board, and then totally disregarding everything said a second later. On the flipping thing, he'll do something hurtful or aggressive and then say "you hurt my feelings, you hit me (we never have), I'm very upset with you, do you understand?" Like, he's absorbed all of the restorative chat language and now uses it to try and duck accountability. It feels mad to say that about a 4yo but that's how it seems.

OP, your son sounds bright and well parented by you at home. The issue is he is likely neurodivergent and this begins to show more for some children once they enter into the formal education system. There is a huge amount of extra stimulation in school and class environments for them to have to manage; transitions and interaction with adults and children- results are meltdowns and struggles managing behaviour or in other terms their ability to regulate themselves whilst having to conform all day in class. You are then experiencing the fall out of this in your home life.
Schools have vary ways of identifying it and attitudes from teachers as to whether they view it as behavioural and a disciplinary approach (which is often unhelpful in addressing it for children who can’t really control their reaction to their environment and leads to low self esteem) or an approach through good pastoral support to reduce the stimulation in class and resulting behaviour. Small class size, TA support, small group working and a quiet area for children within the class that they can go to to calm down are the first approach with good schools for this situation. Talk to the senco and reflect on whether you see any traits of adhd or ASC yourself at home x

@nanodyneI would also read this on PDA. Does any of that sound familiar?

And how did you get on with the progress checker that I linked to?

Maybe he finds school difficult and is very tired? Maybe he finds it stressful? It is a large group of children all together most of the day with quite little downtime. I’d be hesitant to jump to neurodiversity which I suspect is where your thread will go..
Maybe he is - maybe he isn’t - but I think everyone is different and not everyone handles situations the same do they. Perhaps the penny will drop at some point that these outbursts are not ok! It might just come later for him. Are you sure that what you are saying is definitely factual - do you actually follow through with punishments at home? Have you asked him why he is behaving like like this and has he given you any sort of response? In your shoes my first step would be to make a huge effort to reward good behaviour over the next few months very consistently. Lots of luck x

I was going to mention autism and PDA to look into. Even if he isn't, there will be useful tips there to manage this kind of thing.
My son is very similar, and it's unexpected transitions and being told no that causes his stress levels to go through the roof.
We have to kind of let it wash over us and try to use "declarative language" IE I it's toilet time, rather than go to the toilet.
School say he's mostly fine but it's the evenings on school days that are the worst, full of demands when he's already demanded out and tired.

@BunnyRuddington / @Genevie82 thanks for the speech and language link, I went through it and nothing was flagged as an issue so at least we know that's not the problem now!

PDA is something that's popped up when we've been searching for ways to manage his temper, but I'm skeptical that he's autistic because aside from the things I've mentioned in the post he has no other traits. I'd rather work from the assumption that we're in a tricky stage than treat it as something inherent - I'll update my thinking if it persists though of course.

@babyproblems yes we're quite firm, always follow through and generally only change our stance if it's reasonable to do so - I have a flexible mindset in my adult life, and want to be fair and encourage the same in my children (I'm not opening everything to negotiation though!). Given he's only 4 with no previous issues or indications of ND I wouldn't jump to it for now, my instinct is that it is something he can overcome. Yes we and the school are focusing on positive reinforcement and at home, making sure we're not over praising his younger brother or him to try and maintain some balance.

@johnd2 I think there's definitely something to bring demanded out, since it rarely happens in the morning. I'll look into those PDA management strategies, thank you! We're lucky that the SENCO is based in reception, so I feel confident that if ND were a possibility it'd be flagged appropriately.

Is there paediatric Occupational Therapy available in your area? They can help with a lot of behavioural and development issues and have a ton of experience (ND or not). However you'd likely need to pay out of pocket which I realise isn't possible for everyone.

I wanted to suggest something slightly different. Just so that you can consider this, as you mentioned the early speaking as a baby and using the school's strategy to his own advantage. I excuses myself in advance for my wording, as I am tired...
Very bright (gifted) children can start misbehaving when school is not what they expected from it, when it is too easy intellectually and they don't connect enough with their peers. They can start misbehaving in class as well as at home. They often are bored more easily and their attention can be less than we adults would expect/hope as they are bored. In general (!), girls are more likely to adapt, boys are more likely to show behavioural problems. Symptoms may look like ADHD/autism.

@seriouslysara there's a play therapist local to us who we've contacted regarding a session - she's suggested giving the school's strategy the rest of this half term and then getting back in touch if their plans haven't achieved the desired results.

@StarsandStones it had occurred to me, but it feels like somewhere between a cop out and a brag doesn't it? Everyone wants to think their kid is clever! We have noticed that he also tends to act out when he's trying to be funny but doesn't get the reaction he was hoping for...

@nanodyne I understand what you are saying! But just to consider. Because ultimately you need the right strategies for your child and your home.

A boy in the class of our DD became very annoying in class and at home and has now (partly) skipped a class as he was really way ahead... he feels much happier now. So it happens. A specialist at school did assessments to find out where he was at. One year ahead with maths and a bit more with reading... the parents have a much happier and more easy going child again. He does mornings in his old class, afternoon in the higher class. I think he will go with the other class after the summer holiday.

@nanodyne, how are you doing?

Ten posts in and he's 'neurodivergent'

He's probably just a four year old who need some boundaries from the school? What are they actually doing when he hits? Any consequences??

He is one of the youngest in his class. There is a huge difference in maturity between a child who is nearly five and nearly six (September born), however bright they are. It is coming up to the end of the school year and he could well be over tired. Other things l wondered about were his eyesight and hearing. Have they been tested recently? Small children cannot always tell us that something is wrong. Also, are his teeth all as they should be? These are all things that can affect behaviour. At home, I would give him firm boundaries and look for ways to praise good behaviour. It is a good way to teach him to tell the time, too, as you can say: "Alfie, we are going to have tea at half past five. This is when the little hand is just past the five and the big hand is on the six. At quarter to seven, when the big hand is on the nine and the little hand on the seven, it will be time for us to tidy up your toys. At seven o' clock, it will be bathtime. This is when the big hand is on the twelve and the little hand on the seven. When we go in the bathroom, we will be brushing your teeth and then having your bath. When you get out of the bath and are dry and in your pyjamas, l will read you a story when you are in bed. At half past seven, when the big hand is on the six and the little hand on the seven, it will be time to go to sleep." Obviously, this series of events will not be given all at once but with warning a few minutes beforehand. It is surprising how much calmer children are when they know what is going to happen and when. Remember, though, praise for everything he does that you want him to do, even the smallest thing.

I feel sorry for the children he is assaulting. I hope they are OK.

@StarsandStones - thanks for checking in. The half-term break was a bit surprising, he went to a forest day camp and was a totally different kid! He was very calm, communicative and way more in control of his temper.. I'm guessing being outside roaming around all day really suited him! It seems to have given him ongoing benefits too because so far we've had no timeouts this term, and the teacher has commented on how much more in control he seems.

@coxesorangepippin I did wonder about posting here as I thought that's how it might go. He's 4 so the Venn diagram between ADHD and his age is a perfect circle as far as I'm concerned, although obviously we'll be keeping an eye on how he goes. They're very good with boundaries (as far as I can tell) given the limitations of managing 30 children at once - he actually missed some of the pre-half term celebrations because he was acting out, so I think they're giving immediate and appropriate consequences and (fingers crossed) it's slowly working.

@Violinist64 all checked and normal, but yes I think a big part is just being very young and there being a lot of expectation for them all to be in the same place maturity-wise. We've been working hard on routine and managing expectations and he's starting to do a lot of it automatically now – you're right, it has definitely helped. Yes on the praise front too! It's working really well and school are doing the same. We're also trying being more neutral with punishments because we found it was blowing up every time we were becoming angry with him, which was ultimately unhelpful.

@Seagrove me too! That's why I was asking for help! It's not fair on them or his little brother, and I'm unhappy that my child has been the one hurting people.

Hi OP, just wondering how things are going for you now? We’re having a near identical experience with our daughter, although it’s escalated quicker. We’ve been having similar thoughts to what some of the other posters have said. Would be interested in an update.