Have we made an awful mistake?

[InsolentAnnie]

DS is in Reception. Last term we moved him to a different school, because we had completely lost faith in the leadership at his old one (we know it well, had another DC there, been very involved and volunteered there, and I’m an ex-primary teacher).

DS has never been particularly easy. He is a lovely, cuddly, bright, funny boy, but he struggles to control his emotions. He lashes out at us, has screaming tantrums at the drop of a hat, launches things across the room etc. He’s summer born so not even 5 yet, so there’s a lot of emotional immaturity, but it’s hard work. But we never had any complaints at his old school; he wasn’t an angel, but he never hit anyone.

Recently his new teacher spoke to us because apparently he has been hitting other children. We know two others are involved too, and according to other parents their names come up a lot, so we’ve spoken to DS about not joining in with them and we haven’t heard anything since so assume it’s now okay on that score. But he just seems so angry all the time! Unless everything is 100% as he wants it he completely loses it - if I’ve parked in a different place to normal, or if the paper he’s using is creased, or if the Lego piece won’t go on properly (then he hurls the model across the room). When he gets angry he shouts at us to do things or he’ll punch us in the face, which he never used to say. I asked where he’d heard that and he said the two boys say it. When I asked him if he liked his new school as much as his old old he said no and that he wants to go back to his old school.

I feel awful. I miss my school gate friends, but I don’t miss the awful leadership and horrible office staff and general rubbishness of the old school. But DS never said things like threatening to kick or punch me before the new school, and he didn’t hit other children. He didn’t used to throw himself down on the pavement and scream when I picked him up (though he goes in quite happily). But it could be an unrelated phase. I feel all over the place and I’m now worried we should never have moved him!

Moving schools mid Reception Year is yet another massive transition for a young children. Massive transition. It can be really destabilising.
Speaking from experience, as did it with my twin DC, as I, too, lost faith with the SLT.

Ask the school if they have an ELSA
they are trained staff who can help children with big emotions and help them navigate them

@SilviaSnuffleBumDid it get better?

My son is a summer born July baby. He really struggled to control his emotions in reception and some of year one. He was ok at school but would blow up at home. If he didn't get what wanted he'd hit us. He'd throw stuff at us. He'd get so exhausted we couldn't get him to sleep before 8.30/9pm. Then the whole thing would start again. He didn't know anyone st the school when he started. He moved house and got a sister. It was a lot of change and I think it was just all too much for him. About a year ago at about when he was almost 6 he just matured. He just switched and grew up. Our life is so much better. We did find being in top of his tiredness helped. So at the weekends we toned it all down and just had quiet days.

I expect what others say is true. Starting school and then changing is a big factor in his behaviour. I'd be tempted to say stick to your gut re the old school.

@TaraRhuThat sounds so familiar! He goes to bed at a decent time but the next hour or two often involves us going in to turn his light off, remove toys / books / pens from his room, etc etc. He sleeps well once he’s asleep but he’s a nightmare for doing everything he can to stay awake and that makes him grumpy. Your post gives me hope that we’ll come out the other side relatively unscathed, hopefully!

It's a huge change for him, isn't it? I can't really understand your thinking, tbh, as the leadership issues and poor admin wouldn't have made much difference to his day to day experience of school, certainly not compared to his emerging friendships and security with his familiar surroundings and teacher.

Children who are emotionally immature generally don’t cope well with change.

of any sort.

starting school was a big change.
changing school was bigger one.

this will settle, but it will take time.

i hope you are happier at the new school.

If I am being honest, I’m struggling to see how you not liking the leadership team had a direct and demonstrable association with his everyday life in his classroom in the playground?

@UpstartledThere was a lot more to it than that - leadership (especially in a small school) can make a massive difference and permeates staff morale, atmosphere in the school, curriculum, bullying issues, everything. We’re not the only ones to have taken our child out and our older child has had a very negative experience this year (but is leaving soon, thankfully). It was fine when they started but over the past few years it’s gone massively downhill. I wouldn’t want to leave my kids alone with the head as I don’t trust them, and when you get to that point you don’t really want your kids in a school that they’re in charge of!

@InsolentAnnie I honestly thought we were heading towards some sort of neurodiversity but his teachers said it was all completely normal. He is a very kind, confident and socialable boy but just went mental at night. My daughter starts school in September but I think it will be easier for her as she knows the school and there's nothing else going on. Anyway, I feel your pain. It's really worrying and you can't help but feel responsible/guilty.

We had a bad day with my August born reception class child. She was wild climbing fencing screaming just utterly uncommunicative and couldn't be reasoned with. I ended up getting bitten by her quite badly which is something she hadn't done since being about 12 months whilst teething. I got her home and when she calmed down she was able to tell me about an incident that had happened earlier in the day which was scary and confusing for her She had bottled all those feelings for the rest of the day and just exploded when I got her home.

I spoke to the teacher and they gave her a plan of action if it was to happen again. They planned another session on emotional regulation and communicating with the staff. The teacher was off sick the day it happened and the remaining staff didn't seem to notice that this incident might have been scary for a 4 year old and if this had been recognised or if my daughter had been able to communicate how it had made her feel the pressure bottle might not have been quite as extreme. Hopefully she'll have a few more skills should something like this happen again

I think often when you have a physical presentation it easy to focus on the actions and maybe there's something emotional going on behind the scenes that's driving it.

I think in your situation I'd be speaking to the teachers about how well he's doing. Is he confident in expressing his needs to the teachers. This has been a big one for us they seem a happy child in my daughters case but I have to keep going back to them with yes she seems happy but yesterday she had this need but couldn't tell you x and because this her needs weren't met. One day she sat in soiled underwear for over 4h as she was unable to tell the teacher she had had an accident. She was smiley and happy through out. Even little things like not understanding when and how to approach staff about using the toilet can be a stress to a 4 year old and behaviour.