Can’t cope with being a mum

[Rach7291]

My 10mo DD is just so grumpy. She hates everything. Nothing makes her happy and i’m just not coping. Everything is a fight. Nappy changes, wiping her face, brushing teeth, getting dressed etc. She whines all day. Won’t play with anything, won’t spend any time on the floor to learn to crawl or anything. I can’t find anything that keeps her amused for longer than 2 seconds. I’m really struggling. I’m exhausted.

i couldn’t read and run, it’s relentless and hard work. 6 years ago with my DS I felt the same way. I had another baby last year and he seems so easy breezy compared to my 1st. It dawned on me recently (pregnant with DC3!) that the reason it felt easier this time is because oldest DS keeps him amused, stepping in if it’s a wingy bored cry and being a source of entertainment and joy for him. The first baby really is tricky, especially whilst you’re in the midst of an identity crisis in finding the gap between being ‘mum’ and your own self, plus you are their only source of entertainment and comfort. Is there anything at all that keeps her entertained? Eldest DC’s greatest joy in life at that age was a roll of selotape and a foil fire blanket. It does pass, keep yourself busy and social too so you don’t loose yourself in the chaos. X

@coldscottishmumthe only thing she likes is adverts on tv or dancing fruit/miss rachel. I let her watch it maybe twice a week for about 20 mins a time. Other than that, nothing. I don’t know what i’m doing wrong.

I‘m sorry @Rach7291, that sounds so tough. Have you ruled out any possible physiological causes? Sometimes the whining and general grumpiness is due to feeling unwell for some reason - teeth, ears, reflux etc? If she won’t spend time on the floor, and seems to get distressed over it, maybe check in with the GP?

That said, they absolutely do go through a phase of being a bit of a nightmare around this time. It will pass, like PP said, but in the meanwhile, focus on finding workarounds that will make your life easier. So, if she hates nappy changes, is she big enough to try a pull-up? Could you buy a mat you can strap her to? Or try a new ‘hold’ for getting it done? There’s definitely some on the internet.

How does she sleep? If she goes down heavy, maybe brush her teeth at night then? Do you use one of those finger brushes? They can help. Don’t worry too much about it either, if the day is getting too much for you.

Is she in childcare? That can help with her learning to be social. If not, loads of playgroup/baby classes might help teach her how to play, and give you some respite while you chat with other mums. She’s still very little, so please don’t think this is her ‘personality’ yet! She may well surprise you soon and change a lot with her next developmental leap.

Finally, wherever you can, take advantage of those moments for self-care. Whatever works for you. Good luck! It’s hard! xx

@Unsure4589she could be teething but can’t see anything. She had reflux as a newborn but its better now. She doesn’t get upset because shes in pain (doesn’t seem like it anyway) its more because she doesn’t want to do it. She acts the same when i sit her down sometimes or when we do anything she doesn’t want to.
Shes not in childcare and i can’t afford to put her in either. We have no friends or family around so we are quite isolated. I always feel bad that theres never anyone else other than me and DH. X

You need to try and get out and about. Story time at the librrary, Parent and toddler group at the local church (not usually churchy and usually quite cheap), community centres etc check out any local museums etc - they often have sessions for little ones. The local park is a good place to find other parents. Go for a good walk every day. Even a mooch around the shops gives them something different to look at.

I think this age can be difficult - lack of mobility and lack of language gets very frustrating for babies who are beginning to become their own people.

@Seelinewe do go for long walks, to the shops and to the park. Shes fine all the time we are out but it starts instantly as soon as we get home.

Do you have a local Home-Start? May be worth looking. Alternatively I agree with the PP about getting out and about and trying story time at the library or just going for a walk and talking about what you see, or finding a baby group - they don't have to be expensive.

I think it's a difficult stage - they aren't very mobile nor very chatty and it can be really hard but it WILL get better!

My son was the same and I was always convinced it was because he was bored. Once he could walk and get about he was much happier

It does sound as though she is either bored or tired.

What is sleep like? When does she nap?

It is hard keeping little ones occupied all day. I was a SHAM for both mine. It was constant, all day long. Keep rotating toys so that there is something different to play with every few days. Try singing and dancing,. Wet play - use bath time as a play resource (even have an early one during the day for play, and then a quiet time before bed time. Crayons - I used to stick mine in the high chair for messy play - put it on a plastic sheet for easy cleaning. Sensory play - loads of ideas online. As the weather improves it will help to play in the garden etc. 'Help' with household tasks - 'sorting' washing (play with the socks), putting things in the washing machine, dusting, washing up (own bowl of water and some tupperware on the floor) etc

Another sympathetic ear here, that age is so difficult as they want to be mobile but often aren’t physically ready. It’s good you are getting out and about with her and that she is happy then. That kind of points to it not being something physically wrong.

Sounds like she is bored at home. It took me a while with my first to realise they aren’t actually interested in many toys until they are older. My first was never really interested in toys full stop and was like yours at around that age. We went to playgroups and on walks etc but there’s only so much time you can spend out of the house 😂.

Some suggestions that worked with him:

• sit her on a big towel / bath mats and give her a washing up bowl of warm water, some different sized pots (clean petit filou pots / bigger yoghurt pots / plastic kids cup etc) spoon, baking measures. Accept that the towel and bath mats will be soaking at the end.
• put rice or sand in a washing up bowl. Hide things in it for her to find and put in a pot. When she’s bored of that give her the same pots as above and let her fill and dump them.
• put sofa cushions on the floor so she can crawl all over them
• basket of musical instruments. Things that are easy to get a sound from. Bell shakers etc
• basket of things that feel interesting. Not toys. Stuff like a toothbrush, wooden spoon, hairbrush, something metal, etc

He liked physical toys, like a doorway bouncer or be of those fisher price circular things you sit them in and bounce.

good luck 😩

It does sound like it could be tiredness or bored. I'll echo the question around sleep – what's her rough pattern like?

In terms of boredom, physically what can she do? I'm trying to gauge what might appeal to her. It sounds like she's not crawling – does she sit well? Can she slide herself across the floor or bum shuffle? Pull to stand and cruise the furniture? Can she feed herself finger food? Bang two toys together?

Both of mine had a very tricky stage when they'd outgrown the young baby toys, rattles and textures and such, but couldn't yet really do things like shape sorters or stacking toys. DD2 was also very vocal about her frustration at not being able to crawl!

You’re not doing anything wrong at all, it’s not you! It’s such a frustrating age, are you apart of any groups?

do you have a local community centre? They usually do free classes for baby’s and there amazing. My 8 week old always seems miserable at home, I take him to sensory classes twice a week and it’s the happiest he is for the whole week! He loves seeing the other babies, the sensory toys that I don’t necessarily have at home, they do a light show and music which he loves, he loves the other parents talking to him. Tbh he just loves PEOPLE😃like you, it’s just me and DH. We moved 3hrs away and have no friends or family here and it’s to far to travel with baby atm. His nan comes every other weekend and he loves when she’s here and is super chill too. I take him to the zoo, aquarium regularly that he also loves.

if your like me and struggle with making friends/anxiety in new or social places - please don’t be worried about a baby group. I was so nervous to take mine as he’s quite miserable compared to most babys I’ve seen but he honestly thrives! There’s also lots of other noisy stroppy babies I’ve seen there and even ones who just sleep the whole time. Every baby’s different and it really shows. I don’t feel judged at all and the parents are all really approachable. It’s nice to have someone to talk to about my parenting struggles and they can relate etc. it’s my favourite times of the week aswell as baby’s! This time last month I was a no way I can’t go im to scared. I dragged DH along for the first session so if I felt nervous I had someone I could speak too but I probably spoke to the other parents more than him and I go alone now as it’s my time to speak to others 😆

10 months is awful as they’re old enough to be awake most of the day but too little to entertain themselves or communicate. 18 months is a lot better - they’re walking, saying a few words, they can indicate by pointing to what they want. Hang in there

I dont have kids so dont know what its like.
But you are doing your best its early days and it will get better.

They can be teething for a while before eruption, so maybe try giving her some hard things to chew on, and look into some of the products for it. I recommend Baby Bonjela if it's not severe, and Baby Anbesol (lidocaine) if it is.

Also, from what you've said, she's definitely bored! @Newbie887's suggestions are great for home. I second the church and community playgroups, and the library for story/song time too. They're usually free or a few quid, and at some you get a cup of tea. It'll entertain her, and you'll get chance to interact with some other parents. Basically it breaks up the day, which can save your sanity.

Come September, she'll be able to get 30 hours 'free' childcare, if you're eligible. She may be entitled to 15 hours now, but I realise either way there's still a cost attached. Might be worth looking into if you haven't already.

Yep, awful age. They're so frustrated! Agree with everyone re giving objects and not toys

Do you have access to a garden?

Probably not what you want to hear but would definitely knock the dancing fruit/ms Rachel on the head as it's just setting the bar for that level of stimulation. You want her to be entertained by less, not keep having to upping the ante x

Can you get some second hand Duplo blocks? My baby just loves emptying then out all over the floor (and sometimes putting them back).

My partner did months 8-12 of leave, and got the baby to crawl by just keep on and on putting them down on the floor and putting headphones on if necessary while playing with them. Crawling and pulling to stand both came in the same week and helped with the general baby woe.

I also recommend going to any story time your local library puts on, and church play groups (I'm not religious) Or local council play groups - all cheap and it gets you out and meeting other adults.

Mine was like this at 10 months, constantly whinging, uncooperative and unable to be entertained unless we were out.

He's now 12 months and so much better! It was a combination of teething and frustration I think. He's constantly on the go now, crawling and cruising and entertaining himself (with everything he shouldn't!). We still have some bad days but he mostly only whinges when he's tired or clearly in pain (still teething).

It sucks right now, but hopefully it's a phase she'll be out of soon x

Sending solidarity ! Lots of great general advice re getting out and about / things to do at home! Mine is also 10 months and isn’t interested in toys just household items like a sieve / hairbrush/ wooden spoon, empty egg carton.

Shes recently started crawling and standing / cruising - all happens at once almost overnight - I think yours is frustrated because they want to be able to do things but can’t. Once they get on the go things are easier plus when you leave a room they just follow you instead of having a meltdown lol

You both sound bored stiff.
What are your back to work plans?
Start looking into your funded hours and options.

Sounds really grim.