Struggling with child’s mental health & parenting

[Goldfinc]

i have 2 children, 8 and 4. My eldest has had emetophobia (phobia of being sick) for a year now and it’s taken over her (and our) entire life. She’s having panic attacks daily, especially around bedtime and in the middle of the night. She doesn’t want to go anywhere without me or my husband, even to grandparents. The mention of one of us going out sends her into a panic attack. I’m finding it so difficult to manage, i’m so scared for her future as I can’t see how this is going to get better. We’ve tried the Thrive Programme and she’s just started to see a therapist but all they do each week is play, not actually talk and it’s not cheap!! It’s taking its toll on us all, I’m so scared my youngest is going to be affected by this too, I can’t go through it all again! I can honestly say I don’t enjoy being a parent, I’m exhausted and feel so jealous of friends when they post photos of their family doing normal things and enjoying life!! Not sure what the point of this post is, maybe to feel not so alone? Thanks for reading

That sounds really hard. My view of this sort of thing is trying to encourage acceptance : rather than staying ‘away’ from the thing she’s scared of to try and accept it so it does not increase in scariness level. Lots of talk about accepting her feelings and validating. I would persevere with the sessions; is there any cbt available online for children which may help?

Oh you poor thing, that sounds so difficult.

My daughter developed panic attacks when she was 11. She seemingly went from a confident, happy-go-lucky child to a quivering, nervous wreck almost overnight. She became intensely and irrationally afraid of being in the car, eating food prepared by others, being away from us her parents, becoming ill… so many things. It was awful.

She began to recover after a few months - so it wasn’t as long as a year. But it was a very scary and unsettling time.

I think she’ll always have an anxious streak but she now bears no resemblance to that tearful, clingy child. I’m still not sure what triggered her crisis - it was almost as if she suddenly realised the world was a dangerous place and it shook her to the core.

I think all you can do is love-bomb your child and make her feel safe in this time of extreme anxiety. And if you don’t feel happy with your therapist, don’t be afraid to ask questions or make a change if need be.

I hope you see some positive changes very soon. Meanwhile, look after yourself too.

Meant to add, this is a good book for kids:

What to do when you worry too much - by Dawn Huebner

CBT

otherwise medication will help ; similar part of the brain impacted as OCD , anxiety

I empathise, not easy at all, good luck

Your school should have a mental health lead. Ask them if they have a link with the education mental health practitioners in your area. They are the teams that sit before CAMHS and can help provide low intensity CBT or work with you to help manage her with support. They may suggest things like graded exposure or something else. But they definitely work with some of what you are saying on more practical ways that just playing and talking.

Hi OP

We were in exactly this position 2 years ago, and I got lots of great advice on here. It‘s a scary and lonely place to be, so I will share the things we did that helped. DD was a bit younger than yours (it started at 6 for her), and was really bad for about 18 months. She is now nearly 9 and in a much better place (she wouldn‘t get on a bus,or go into town, she wouldn‘t go to play dates without us sitting there the whole time).

1. Find out if your school does ELSA courses. It‘s emotionl literacy for kids. It helps them talk about their fears and worries. Either way, have a sit down conversation with the school and find out what support they have. Dont sugar coat how bad it has become.

2. We went straight on waiting list for Cahms through GP. It felt a bit like overkill at the time (considering some of the problems kids waiting for CAHMS have), but we really wanted to stop her anxiety leading to anything worse. We were lucky in getting referred relatively quickly. Becuase she was so young, we were actually the ones who had the CBT to help her manage her emotions.

3. Get this book https://www.amazon.co.uk/Helping-Your-Child-Fears-Worries/dp/1472138619
   Its basically the same stuff that we went through with the CAHMS person.

4. CAHMS in my area has started doing group zoom calls about anxiety in kids, we got a link sent through the schoool. Maybe see if you can access anything like this.

5. Try and validate how she feels whilst also not making a big deal of it. This is the hardest part. Me and partner were really insistent on not letting it completely dominate our lives (where possible). This involved a lot of upset, but we wanted to show her that life goes on and that we wouldnt let her worries stop us doing things as a family.

6. Ask questions ‘why do you feel xxx‘, ‘what do you think will happen if xxxx‘ etc
   She might not always be able to answer but you‘re making her think and say what shes actually anxious about

7. Gradual retreat. We gradually started to push her into doing things more independently. So I wouldnt stay for a whole playdate, but would leave after an hour etc.

This will take a lot of work and support from you, and other people. You need to get school on board, and if possible some sort of CBT. Someone on here sent me a lovely message when I was at my most stressed where she said that its all about replacing her trauma responses with nice experiences. Gradually all the nice experiences will outweigh the worry and horrible experiences. It didnt feel possible at the time, but it has happened.

She‘ll always be prone to worrying, and i‘m still on tenter hooks about how she‘ll manage with things as she gets older. But for now shes doing brilliantly, and we‘re still trying to build her resilience about things everyday. Good luck OP.

I would look into solution focused hypnotherapy. Not all hypnotherapists work with children, but enough do and a lot of therapy is online so if you find someone who is a good fit, it won’t matter how local they are to you. It can be very effective for emetophobia and while you’ll have to pay privately, it is short term and much better than NHS waiting lists for a bit of talking or play therapy that isn’t going to help much.