Biting, hitting and raising my voice

[Firsthingsfirst]

It’s been a long, chaotic Easter break with my very spirited 2.5-year-old and his 4-year-old sister. Today was his first day back at nursery since April 3, and honestly, I haven’t had a moment to breathe. My husband leaves early and is back late so it’s often non-stop solo parenting. The days have felt endless, and I’m running on empty.

I work weekends and here and there during the week, but today I had a rare clear day to tackle the house. After school, the kids played and made a mess - which was fine - but by evening, they had filled a play tent with colour-coded dirty laundry, Lego, cuddly toys, and random stuff. I asked my nearly 5-year-old to help tidy, but she was so overtired she started yelling that she hated me and wished I wasn’t her mummy. I didn’t take it to heart, but I was already hanging by a thread.

Then the toddler climbed back in the tent and started ramming into her, which made her even more upset. I tried to move him out - and he bit her, hard, a full bite mark. I completely snapped. I shouted, ‘NO, YOU DO NOT BITE. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?’ I pulled him out and packed the tent away. I then told him he’d need to go to his cot by himself because I had to clean up. He looked worried, so I softened and ended up putting him to bed with a story.

I’m really sad about the shouting. It’s happened a few times over the last few days- but only when he’s done something actually harmful, like smacking my nose with a toy or slamming a Lego board on my head. I never shame him, call him naughty, or do time-outs - but the guilt about raising my voice is getting to me.

Anyone else in this boat? Do you shout sometimes? And if you did, did your kids turn out okay? Just need a bit of reassurance.

Yes, if someone hurts you automatically you may shout out. It's a natural response. It seems you are very aware of trying to parent well don't beat yourself up, I've done it a few times but always discussed it after and it's a rare occasion. My three year old goes to nursery for the day on Tue / Fridays and this includes school holidays, this gives me more patience and 1-1 time with the children (my youngest is with me 1-1 during term) is this an option for you? Sounds like you need a break

Well does he repeat the behaviours after you've shouted? If so then I'd say no harm done as it worked. Biting and hitting need to be stamped out immediately and sometimes you can tell them nicely 100 times and it doesn't go in.

While constant screaming and yelling at young children is obviously not ok, occasionally showing your child that you are very cross is not going to cause life long damage. Especially if you quickly repair the relationship with them in an age appropriate way.

Don't be too hard on yourself OP, you are in the trenches of parenting right now.

Only on here do I see so much hand wringing about raising of voices, and god forbid actual shouting.

Of course if its non stop of the majority of the communication that is not positive or productive but now and then you're going to raise your voice, including to partners quite frankly. Its life, its human interaction.

Visit other countries and see how people verbalise!

I do this 😥 it's just pure automatic response and I'm really trying to work on it. But I'm in the same boat, 2 year old DS biting, hitting, screaming, tantrums, but instead of an older sibling we have a 4 week old baby in the house. The raising my voice has got worse ! The mam guilt is horrendous, but I agree with pp, sometimes he needs me to tell him a firm no. I find it so hard to "ask nicely" in these circumstances it just doesn't work. And the thought of him biting or hurting someone when I'm not there is mortifying!
I'm trying to find the middle ground between raising my voice and "Gentle parenting", it's so hard and i don't want him to just see me as an angry shouting mam

Nothing wrong with shouting about him biting! I don't understand why you feel bad. It's fine to shout sometimes, when they do something particularly bad.

You sound at the end of your tether. He probably won’t even remember it in the morning. DC are very resilient to admonishment as long as the majority of the parenting is caring. Cut yourself some slack fgs!

Like a PP I can’t really understand the angst about a raised voice occasionally. My friends all shout at their kids sometimes, as do my siblings, as do I. Sometimes it’s the most effective way to let a child know enough is enough. In my house biting would certainly earn a very stern telling off indeed, and I wouldn’t go chasing after him to apologise for shouting either. I’d give it an appropriate amount of time for him to understand he did something very very naughty and then I’d move on.

You sound like you need a break. Can you prioritise that as an emergency measure?

Also, sometimes it’s understanding where your edge is that helps you parent better. Your own behaviour was the flag here, not your children’s. Your capacity to cope is impacted by your tiredness/burnout.

I was you. I yelled at my son when we was a similar age - really yelled - and he’s 9 now but I have never forgotten the look on his face, and how he tried to respond to me. That helped me forge my own line in the sand. I never wanted to be that stressed out shouter again. Not that I haven’t lost my rag multiple times since - but somehow never quite reached that edge again. Mistakes are for learning.