Where do I start... toddler/baby bedtime troubles!

[Unsure4589]

Please help! We're going through it!

DD is 2 years 10 months, and DS just turned 4 months.

DD, typically an extremely independent girl who generally prefers Daddy, has realised DS isn't going anywhere. For a month now she's been clinging to me like white on rice with epic tantrums in between. Only I can do bath and bed, despite poor DP trying. She's really struggling atm, bless her. It's heartbreaking, but also a real challenge too. I'm trying to spend a good amount of 1:1 time with her for reassurance, and giving her lots of attention and praise for good behaviour, while holding boundaries around the not-so-great stuff. But, she's holding onto bedtimes!

DS is a little velcro baby. Such a shock to us because DD wasn't. His witching hour is 6.30-7.30pm, and whether he's rested and fed or not, poor DP has to deal with him crying for me while I put DD to bed. He's EBF on demand, which doesn't help matters. He also has reflux so that he happily throws up and then wants more. I've found it hard to pump successfully so DP can feed him.

We want for bedtimes to be more harmonious but I'm stumped as to how! I think getting DS to take the bottle is key, but if anyone has any advice, please, I'm all ears!

Don’t have any answers, but I’m bumping as we are in a similar position- 2 years 5 months and a 10 week old. We have doggedly insisted on alternating toddler bedtime between us and he seems to be in a phase where he is relatively accepting of this at the moment, although this fluctuates and I don’t feel we can get complacent about things. But baby often screams when I’m doing toddler bedtime and he’s with dad, which just feels awful. He is also EBF, but the tears don’t seem to be down to hunger, he usually quietens as soon as I hold him, doesn’t necessarily want to be fed at all.

You have to stagger bedtimes or you have to persist in the divide and conquer approach. I would also sometimes do bedtimes with my older one while feeding the baby or having him in the sling. But I don’t think that’s a realistic strategy long term.

Bedtimes will not go away. Mine are 7 & 12 and they still sometimes get upset because they both want me to come in and chat with them at bedtime at exactly the same time and there’s only one of me to go around.

We were just persistent in each taking one. Your partner presumably is a competent parent. They have to just persist, perhaps with the promise that you will come in once baby is asleep, if your eldest is old enough to understand that. Yes, it may mean that bedtime takes 2 hours, but there will still be 2 of them and one of you in a year or 2 years or 3 years. So now is the time to just create a new routine. It will get easier.

Be waiting in toddlers bedroom feeding baby with a story to read to her after she lets Dad get her ready? He stays so she stays used to his presence in the room and you can fade back out when she's ready or you can alternate in time to come?

Thanks for the tips! It's really all down to DD processing DS's presence, so I'm hoping it will settle soon enough. We used to alternate bedtime just fine and as I said, DD has always worshipped her dad. We've always parented 50:50 so there's no change there, just the arrival of DS and his boob habit!

The latest is FOMO wherever DS is concerned. So, last night for instance, DP sterilised DS's bottle in front of DD. Daft! She saw that and wanted to stay downstairs to watch him drink from it. When that wasn't allowed (because we're trying our best to get him to take it and she'll get very involved), then she wanted DP and DS in the room with her during stories NOW, and there were tears. It kind of ruined the attempt with DS, which really irritated me.

It's exhausting and I feel low on patience. @KatRee, DS also just wants me. Not food, not sleep, not even general comfort, just ME. I was expecting this to shift a little now he's four months but nope!

Hello- don’t know if you will see this at all, but I was wondering how things are going for you with your DS? My baby boy is now almost 7 months and now he has a proper ‘bedtime ‘ with a routine like our toddler and me and their dad altérnate who does whose bedtime. Whenever it’s my partners turn to do baby’s he cries and screams -usually from the minute he gets out the bath ( we do bath time together) to the moment he eventually falls asleep. I wondered how bedtime for your youngest is going and whether you did end up getting him on a bottle to help make things easier?

Hi @KatRee, I’m sorry, it’s hell isn’t it?! We’re doing much better. DS is 8.5 months now. He has a loose routine with bedtime at the same time as his sister, and he will take a bottle albeit reluctantly. We just strong-arm him into it if necessary and he gives in. 🥴

DD still struggles with jealousy and wanting me, which was our main problem tbh, but that’s not isolated to bedtime!

Me and DH tend to do parts of bedtime for each rather than alternate entirely, which is much more efficient and sort of necessary given the ongoing jealousy problem. DS will go down with a lot less histrionics these days, typically within 5-10 mins if he’s been properly stimulated and fed beforehand, and might actually be better for DH than me now. 🙏 Bedtime is done by 7.30pm and it’s so nice to have our evenings together back.

Choose an approach, be consistent, and it’ll get better, I promise!

I will say that one big change is DS spending more time with DH. He takes care of them both one day a week while I work and take some time for me. DH has also been working steadily with him on the bottle, and basically just being the one to comfort him more often. DH is always goofing about with both kids and DS has recently decided his dad is funny as hell too. You could try more dad time maybe?

Thanks so much for replying- yes, it’s hell! So glad things are going better for you now - gives me hope!
We also have issues with our eldest being jealous and being very clingy with me during the daytime, which is exhausting, but strangely he accepts that we take it in turns with him at bedtime and doesn’t ask for me then. I just feel sorry what should be our quality time together is accompanied by the soundtrack of little brother screaming in the other room! It makes me feel so stressed and like I have to rush through bedtime with my toddler

May partner gets very little time with the baby without me there- we will definitely try to squeeze that in and hope that will help him be more accepting at bedtime- thank you for highlighting how helpful it’s been for you- makes perfect sense it would help, don’t know why I hadn’t thought of it! I will suggest we take one each for a while on weekends so I can get one to one time with our toddler at the same time and hope this will help with the jealousy there. The fact baby has been entirely breastfed has been an obstacle to this, but slightly less so as he gets older , so will make a conscious effort to do this going forward and probably also try to get him to take a bottle to help with this

We tend to have both boys asleep by 8:30, we’ve always had slightly later bedtimes, but we are so exhausted by then we don’t get much of an evening- my partner just fell asleep on the sofa when we were supposed to be watching a series together!